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Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by Kathlav55, Nov 16, 2015.

  1. Kathlav55

    Kathlav55 Member

    My son who is addicted to heroin has asked if he is going to be invited to come around for the holidays.
    Thanksgiving my husband and I spend with his family. Christmas we go to his family and then over to my moms. No one wants him around and I can't say that I blame them. He (the drug) has done so many things to my family that he isn't welcome, nor trusted. I too have some of the same feelings as my husband and aren't going to even invite him over for Christmas Eve. I feel so guilty but I know that it has to be this way. It hurts so much for it to have to be this way. I have one child in prison and the other one is an addict. Please help me to think of ideas to get through these holidays.

    Thanks in advance
  2. pwarbi

    pwarbi Community Champion

    This time of year is always going to be tough for everyone, from the addicts themselves to the family and friends surrounding that person.

    There's nothing to say you can't meet up and see him over the holiday season, he just as to realise that things are different now, and while he's still taking the drug, unfortunately it as to be this way.
  3. GettingBetter

    GettingBetter Senior Contributor

    I'm so sorry you are struggling with how to handle the holidays with your addicted son. It's tough no matter what you do, but I like pwarbi's idea of trying to meet up with him in another way? It gets very lonely during the holidays for the addict and just seeing you might provide tremendous support. I totally understand and respect your wish to not have him around at the festivities, I've seen a lot of holidays ruined by addicts myself and it is hard on everyone. But meeting for lunch or coffee and giving him some cookies or other treats might help to lift his spirits and yours even if you can't have him in your home to celebrate.
  4. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    I could really feel your pain right now. As a mother, it must have been pretty difficult for you to not invite your son over for Christmas. However, I think you should not reject him because in the first place, he is your son. And more than anyone, it is you whom he needs the most right now.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Kathlav55... I feel your pain. When my son was struggling with addiction, holidays were always very, very difficult. We never shut him out of Thanksgiving or Christmas, but there were many times that I wish we would have. When your kid is high at the dinner table on a special holiday, it kind of puts a damper on things. I think you need to do what you think is best. I am sending you positive decision-making vibes. And hugs.
  6. Kathlav55

    Kathlav55 Member

    Thank you all for your input. I really like the idea of taking him out after the holiday and spending some one on one time with him.

    deanokat likes this.
  7. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    Well I think you made the right choice for not inviting him at all, because his presence does more harm than good to the people around him. Who knows if he will steal or cause trouble when you invite him? Sometimes parents should also give tough love to their children even if it hurts them from the inside because it's the best option to take.
    deanokat likes this.
  8. Dwayneu

    Dwayneu Community Champion

    Tough and difficult choice, probably hurts, but sometimes it's up to you, and if the situation is as bad as it sounds, I would have done(unfortunately) pretty much the same thing. Try to spend time with him and help him, and hopefully by the next holidays he will be someone you'd want around the family.
    deanokat likes this.
  9. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    I think as long as he would adhere to not shooting up in the house. I would probably invite him. Setting ground rules in advance might help. I know and addict is pretty much going to do what they are going to do, but hopefully he could contain it for a few hours. It is a family time after all.
  10. mayasupernova

    mayasupernova Active Contributor

    This sound very hard thing to happen to every family, especially hard for the mother. I can only assume how you must be feeling. Your own flesh and blood being treated like that for some mistake he has done, or for the wrong path he has chosen in his life.
    I am sure he also feels abandoned..that is terrible, maybe a little bit more support from family with actually help him realise his wrongs and put him in the right path. It is even harder if he is misunderstood and not wanted. He must be feeling very alone in all this..
  11. missbishi

    missbishi Community Champion

    It's a tough one isn't it but at the end of the day, there are other family members to consider, not just your son.

    @mayasupernova, the OP is the mother.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @kgord... If you're going to let him come over for the holidays, setting ground rules in advance is a great idea. But "as long as he would adhere to not shooting up in the house" doesn't even come close to being strict enough. I've been through Thanksgivings and Christmases where my family was sitting around the dining room table and my loved one was high and close to nodding off in his plate. Trust me: family time or not, holidays or not, that is completely unacceptable.
  13. irishrose

    irishrose Community Champion

    The holidays can be really tough for anyone who is alone. It is understandable that you may not want to invite your son to other people's holiday gatherings, as it puts more liability on you if something goes wrong. However, is it possible that you could celebrate on a separate day with your son? You could have him over or meet up with him at a restaurant or something the day before or after a holiday. Perhaps this is his way of reaching out to people who he knows cares, and who may be able to help?
    deanokat likes this.
  14. Tsky45

    Tsky45 Community Champion

    The only thing you can do is go visit them. If you want to see your child but don't want them in your home because of stealing, just go see about them. This way you can show them you still love them. I can understand not wanting a addict around because of mistrust. You can always bring them some food or something if you care about them.
    deanokat likes this.
  15. doatk22

    doatk22 Community Champion

    One on one time sounds fantastic. I'm really sorry you are going through this right now. I hope he cleans up his life very soon and gains everyone's trust back.
  16. sillylucy

    sillylucy Community Champion

    That is so hard. I would not invite my using son over for the holidays because it will help him hit rock bottom faster. I feel like opening your doors to him will just enable him and it shows him that you accept him for who he is. Tell him he can come over if he agrees to get treatment.
  17. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    I also think that spending time with him is a nice idea. It will not be good for him to feel so alone that could just make him feel depressed. Maybe you can convince him to seek help or medication to get rid of his addiction.
  18. Psyduck

    Psyduck Active Contributor

    First of all, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. This is a very hard phase and please don't lose hope. I really think you could maybe meet them alone once and see if things have changed. There is no restriction on you to not meet them. I hope you have a great holiday!
  19. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    Do what's best for you. If your son being around will ruin the holidays for everyone then you shouldn't invite him. Of course he'll be angry but this would proffer you the opportunity to tell him why he isn't being invited and why he should do something about his addiction. At times one must make some tough decisions.
    deanokat likes this.
  20. Carnold23

    Carnold23 Community Champion

    I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be such a tough position to be in and such a heartbreaking decision to have to make.
    Hopefully this will be the kick in the butt that your son needs to make some steps to better his life.
    I wish you nothing but the best, and hope that you have a beautiful holiday.