An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the Forums?Join or

How can I help him?

Discussion in 'Tobacco / Nicotine' started by Tremmie, May 11, 2015.

  1. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    Someone very close to me has been smoking for 11 years already, I'm very worried! He started smoking when he was just 21 years old, he found a pack of cigarettes and smoked one. From that point on he started smoking. I've tried to do everything I could to make him stop, actually his parents have done the same, but nothing works.

    We have explained how dangerous it is to smoke, we have talked about the possibility of him seeking help from a doctor (they offered a great plan for those wanting to quit). But truth is he doesn't really want to quit. I know, otherwise he'd still be trying.

    To be fair yes, he managed to stop smoking for 3 days last year, but that was it. He says he smokes when he feels bored or anxious. Last time he said he had lowered the amount of cigarettes he smokes a day to 7. I'm not even sure what he says is true.

    I don't know what else to do... I'm not sure what's the right thing to do in a situation like this :( Should I keep reminding him he should quit and how bad and harmful smoking is? Or should I just drop it in hopes he will get it sooner or later. I read somewhere you make it worse by reminding them...
  2. pwarbi

    pwarbi Community Champion

    If he's been smoking for 11 years then his addiction will make it very hard for him to quit, so the first thing is, it won't be easy for him at all.

    As for keep talking to him about it, you might be making it worse because he might think that your trying to push him into something, and people usually don't like being told what to do.
  3. SunnySkies

    SunnySkies Active Contributor

    Considering he has been smoking for 11 years, it's going to be very hard for him to quit. I suggest being supportive to him, and reinforcing the dangers of smoking in a kind manner. Don't force it upon him - make him understand and slowly change his behaviors. Take it slow and steady, so he doesn't lock you out. Only then, you can work with him to look into decreasing his cigarette consumption.
  4. rightct

    rightct Community Champion

    Woah, 11 years?! That's a huge amount of time, though you shouldn't despair. It's still feasible for you to make him quit, even if you think that the most clever people can't. I'm sure there's something that will make him stop smoking for the sake of him and everyone else who worries about him.
    Like SunnySkies said, just don't try to make it seem like you're imposing him this. It won't work.
  5. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    11 years is a really long time so it might be hard for him to abruptly stop smoking. He needs to quit gradually at at a pace he's comfortable with. The thing is, he's not yet ready to quit. Maybe when realization hits him on the head, that's the time he would finally think twice about his life. Once he realizes what he's up to and what he's been missing in life because of his addiction then maybe he would decide to finally quit. You need to make him realize the beauty of life without smoking. It would be nice if you ask him to join you in activities that will keep his mind off smoking. Exercise, travelling or even engaging in artworks can help make his mind busy while being healthy and productive.
  6. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    Buy him a vaping machine. I've found it works great for those who just want something to inhale while bored. At worst he would at least be able to cut down even more than he already does since in between the major needs of smoking a cigarette he could just settle for vapor, and at best he will be able to quit because of it.
  7. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    I know, right! Whenever I stop to think about it... I can't believe it's been 11 years already. It's been so long and that is what worries me the most. I know is not too late, it's never too late. But he just doesn't care how serious this is... he saw how wonderful life can be without smoking when he went cold turkey for 4 days. That wasn't enough.

    I don't know how else to put it really, maybe I'm saying this out of frustration (most likely), but God knows I've tried to tell him all sort of things to motivate him to stop. NOTHING works. Now he is very busy with a project of his own, but even then he smokes. He even finds time to smoke during work...

    He works at store, so whenever he has the chance he goes outside for a little break and smoke. This nasty habit seems to be ingrained in his life completely. I feel guilty lately, I feel like I'm just standing there watching him destroy himself. I mean, no sure on my approach anymore. I'm tired of telling him how bad smoking is, or how god it is not to smoke, he feels nagged... I just don't know know anymore...

    I had a very serious talk with him the other day, but he just tells me what I want to hear so I stop: ''I really need to stop soon''. I've met addicts who use until they die, alcoholics who drink til the alcohol kills them and I'm really starting to think he will not quit smoking until he gets lung cancer and can no longer breathe. I hate to say this, but I'm starting to think he is that kind of person.

    I'll keep on trying... not sure what to do now though, but I'll see if next year I can push him to go to the doctor, and see if they're still offering that free program for smokers.
  8. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    I know, I have tried, but it's harder to do than to say... believe me. He just doesn't want to. He most likely wont until he gets a cancer diagnosis, then it will be too late. And I'll feel terrible, blaming myself for not doing something. We had already lowered the amount of cigarettes to 7, now is at 10 again... he needs to held responsibility for his own health, not sure how to teach him that.

    I don't talk about it often, I actually feel a bit guilty I haven't talked about it in a while. I have no idea what to do anymore. All I can do is remind him of the dangers of smoking. I just sent him an article from the ''why quit site''. Hope he doesn't ignore it.

    I'm not even sure what to do, I don't even talk about this often. I guess if he doesn't want to quit on his own nothing will. It's frustrating, I abused drugs and cigarettes myself, I think this must be some kind of poetic justice. I didn't know how frustrating could be for the relative of the addict who is trying to help them, but knows isn't supposed to impose anything on them.
  9. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    Wow! I can really sense how frustrated you are right now. Sometimes this is one thing a drug or substance abuser doesn't realize - that their loved ones or immediate family members are hurting more than they do. I have posted a thread about this previously because I know how hard it is for someone to watch his/her loved one put his/her life into waste because of addiction. An addicted person can be a little too hard to reach out to. He/she can be too hard headed that it's not too easy to make even a small crack onto that hard headedness. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself either because you might be his only available help right now. Be strong and don't give up on your fight. Whenever you feel like giving up on him, just remember that you're the saner person in your situation and breaking down will never solve the problem. :)
  10. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    Thank you, lol, yes, I was very frustrated while I was writing that. I had a small talk with him regarding to this topic, he made jokes about it. I told him he doesn't take me seriously (we didn't fight) and I made him promise he'd lower the amount of cigarettes smoked per day to 7.

    I told him that I'd like him to reduce the quantity little by little... I suggested that maybe taking one cigarette of that total count every month would be a good idea. He didn't show a lot enthusiasm or anything else that showed he was willing to compromise, but we will see :)

    Thanks for the words of encouragement!!! Yes, I need to be strong, I never thought I'd be the one in the other end, ever. Hehehe. It's a bit odd and not used to it, but if I got clean I know he will, he has to!!
    gracer likes this.