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How can I help someone who doesn't want help yet?

Discussion in 'Alcohol' started by Carrie, Oct 1, 2014.

  1. c9h2ua

    c9h2ua Member

    I think everyone will be changed by someone, but you may not be the one that can change her. Maybe praying for her and encouraging her is the best way to solve the problem. Try to find a balancing point between her will and your will.
  2. Zyni

    Zyni Community Champion

    Wonderful post, Jen. So very true. It is impossible to help those that don't want help. It is so hard to watch people you love destroy themselves while you are helpless to do anything about it. I've seen too many people fall hard. I've even had dear friends die rather than quit drugs. It hurts your soul. You gave great advice and know just the right things to say.
  3. downsouth

    downsouth Active Contributor

    I have learned the hard way that when we have expectations of loved ones we only invite pain. If she comes around good and if she does not then don't fret about it is my advice. I had a family member I cared for deeply and when I needed them they turned their back on me. It hurt a lot until I realized they were under no obligation to help me. I expected it and it made common sense for them to help me based on our relationship and that caused me pain. I eventually got over it and from then on made it a point not to expect anything from anyone.
  4. Onionman

    Onionman Active Contributor

    There are a lot of people on this site that have experienced the same issue. It's definitely worth reading a lot of their comments here to see how they have handled it. But essentially those people with dependency issues need to want to change. But even if it takes them some time to accept the issue, they need to have people around them that are willing to love and support them.
  5. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Yeah this is a tough one. A friend is maybe easier than if you are in a relationship with someone like this. It can be a difficult situation to decide. I never thought for a second that I shouldn't be friends with my friend who had a problem. I just continued. This was a completely different situation. She had a prescription drug problem. Many doctors kept prescribing and she didn't think it was a problem. She's not alive anymore. All of it killed her, I lost her. I tried so hard to convince none of this was safe. Nothing I said or did seemed to help. After awhile I stopped saying anything. Part of me now thinks why did I continue when I strongly disagreed with what she was doing. Maybe I should have broke off the friendship and now I wouldn't have to feel this loss. I don't know it is hard to say. Maybe it would be better to just break it off. I am really sad my friend is gone and that she didn't care enough about herself. I don't know it is a personal thing to decide something like this. You will figure it out. You can't imagine your life without your friend, well now I have to live my life without my friend. They have to want to help themselves.
  6. Mackmax

    Mackmax Active Contributor

    I believe that you should contact her and express how you feel about the situation. Tell her what you're telling us, that you were expecting at least an apology, and how you feel hurt seeing her continue her dangerous habits despite having just recently put you in the hospital, and how you cannot risk being her friend if she continues her behavior. Doing this will at least give you a sense of closure.
    It is impossible to help someone who doesn't want to be helped, and considering that her addiction has put you in the hospital and she doesn't even care enough to apologize, it is best to cut her out of your life.
  7. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    You're right. Walk away.The question is why don't you?
    It is not actually impossible to help someone who doesn't want help. If it seems that way than maybe you are doing more harm than good. Usually if this is the case the kindest thing to do is leave them alone. People are happier helping themselves. It is called being an individual.
  8. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Hi Carrie, welcome to the forum.

    20 years is a long time and a lot can change in 20 years. Your friend hasn't just started drinking it's been going on for a long time too. For you to ask for space is a good thing to give yourself time to be away from it all and the breaking of your foot seems to have been the last straw. I hear you say that you can't imagine your life without her in it but that can't be true. Before you meet with your friend you need to think about your own life without her in it because that may be the way the relationship ends. Your heart has already been broken by her not making an effort to even comfort you as a true friend would do. Just don't rush into anything before you know yourself how you are going to handle whatever happens. You need this time to clear your thoughts and let go of the anger and approach your friend with a forgiving heart and be strong enough to handle letting go.
    Joseph likes this.
  9. MrsWright

    MrsWright Member

    Unfortunately like everyone has said, you can really help someone who does not want to be helped. When someone is in that state of mind, nothing matters except for the next drink. I doubt you will ever get an apology or offer to help you... the best thing is just not to be an enabler. Good luck :)
  10. RoseK

    RoseK Active Contributor

    I can identify with what her friend is going through with her addiction and failing to admit that she has a problem. This thread has actually been stuck in my mind for the last few days. It's a tough battle between facing intense emotions and seeking help (while perhaps feeling like a failure and helpless) and avoiding the situation. Admitting a problem and making a plan to become healthier is not an innate behavior. I was a very dark pit for a long, long time. What has brought me to where I am now? A multitude: drugs that are working for my depression, people who have patience with me, consequences for when I slip...but a ready hand up when I do fall. For me, I needed someone to have faith in me..who wouldn't lose faith no matter how hard I tried to push them away.
  11. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    She probably doesn't remember hurting your foot. Self centered people also don't usually apologize for having done something like this. It doesn't make her a bad person to be self centered. There are many ways to correct this but the first one is to make them aware of it. Most people are clueless about that. The only way to reach a person like this is to treat the the way you want to be treated. Like think of something that you may have done that you didn't apologize for. Or even when you call ask how she is. You know like, "how are you? how are you doing, is everything ok? How are you feeling?" You know stuff like this. "I was thinking about you and wondering how you were. You know drinking a lot can make you depressed." Engage in the truth of what goes with drinking. A reality check. "I guess maybe you are just having fun." These kind of statements might invoke the real reason for the drinking. There could be a masking of a deep problem there. People do drink to have fun but when it is excessive there is usually a bigger problem other than the alcohol itself.
    It's really up to you whether or not to continue with a friend that has this problem. If you care you can take it from every angle you can think of. I mean just taking a simple stand that doesn't push the envelope too much usually can work. Constant pressure and lecturing doesn't tend to do much to help someone. It's got to be that person's decision. It really might help if you say, "I miss the way you were before all of this. You just don't seem like the same person. If there is anything that I can do to help you just let me know."
  12. Rowe992

    Rowe992 Senior Contributor

    Well you can bring a horse to the water but you can't force it to drink. If a person doesn't want to help themselves then there is nothing you can do about it. You can encourage her to change her ways but at the end of the day it is all up to her.
  13. mscaver86

    mscaver86 Member

    I am going through the same problem now with my ex. We have been together for 2 years and I just recently left him because of his drinking addiction. I have done EVERYTHING I can possibly do to help him and it still does not work! It is so frustrating because I love him but it seems like I love him more than he loves himself. I had to leave because when he drinks (which is everyday) he becomes mean and at times violent. All I can do is move on with my life and pray that he realizes he has a problem before it becomes to late.
  14. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    To tell you the truth, you can never help someone if he/she isn't even willing to help himself/herself. You can be there to support and motivate your friend, but you can never force her to change her ways. Let her realize what she's been doing to herself. And once she was able to do that, I am pretty sure she'll come to you and ask for your help and support. It will take a lot of time and patience, I guess.
  15. Cheeky_Chick

    Cheeky_Chick Community Champion

    I am very sorry that this is happening to you. It must be incredibly hard for you to deal with. However, what you need to remember is that your friend does not mean to hurt you. They are struggling with a problem that they don't even know they have yet, and that is a terrible thing to have to deal with. If it was me, I would keep checking in on her until she was ready to accept the help that she needs. It will be difficult for you, but you are a good friend and I am sure that she will appreciate it when she comes out of the other side of the battle.
  16. Jasmine2015

    Jasmine2015 Community Champion

    I feel the same here. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. It would be a waste of your time and energy. Your friend is an adult and is responsible for her own actions. Will she have to hit complete rock bottom before realizing she has to face her problems? Who knows. But let her know you care about her and when the time comes for getting help, you will be there.
  17. SLTE

    SLTE Community Champion

    I think part of the issue with trying to get someone to acknowledge they have a problem is finding the proper way to present the subject to them. All too often it takes a big shock - such as, say, a sudden health issue, or something going very wrong in their life as a result of overconsumption, whether alcohol or drugs or whatever - to wake the person up to the reality of their situation. Unless you can find some subtle way of presenting the issue that will really hit her between the eyes and make her realize that her actions have consequences, there's probably not a whole lot you can do without seriously damaging your relationship. Trying to force the issue will cause a backlash, and that won't help anyone. Terrible situation, but...
  18. Whiskers

    Whiskers Active Contributor

    I would say your friend does not recognise she needs to back down on alcohol consumption. I wish you well with your foot and hope that your friend will come to the realizatioin she needs help. Perhaps a safe distance for a while might help.
  19. FuZyOn

    FuZyOn Community Champion

    If a person doesn't want to be helped there's no way of helping her, sadly. If you're going to push the subject onto her you're only going to make the matter worse, which is not what you want. Give her some space and let her handle herself, if she wants help she'll probably seek it. Don't nudge her about it.
  20. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    I couldn't agree more with this advice! The only you can do when a loved one is struggling with addiction and doesn't seem to want help is just wait and hope for the best. There are so many great books on this topic :) All you can do in a situation like this is hoping for the best.