All my life my father and brother have clashed. I know this is a cliche, but it felt true. When I was young, the tension at home was so thick, it could be cut with a knife. My dad and brother screamed at each other, threatened each other, and, generally, butted heads. My brother's addictions began before he was a teenager. Over the years he's been a prisoner to cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs. He made home life a living hell. The consensus in our family is that he was self medicating for mental illness which runs in my family. On top of all the trouble my brother's addictions have caused, my dad has mental illness that makes life stressful and unbearable. I'm visiting my sister partly for my sanity, but her family life is tumultuous, too. I don't know if she transferred negative behaviors she learned growing up in our messed-up family. All I know is I want to be far away from dysfunctional people. I need a real vacation, surrounded by nature, where maybe I can find some peace of mind. Then of course, I'd have to return to the messed-up environment I know because I can't afford to live elsewhere. I don't have any healthy role models so how in the world am I supposed to learn healthy behavior? Even if I could find the perfect book on the subject, I don't know where to turn to see healthy behavior in action. I am so frustrated and so rundown.