@Peachtree... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry to hear about your son's heroin addiction. As the father of a son who battled heroin in the past, I can totally relate to your circumstances.
I hope you don't get mad at me for saying this, but the reality is that by letting your son move in with you so he doesn't have to pay rent, you are enabling him. You are making it easier for him to continue his heroin addiction. Not having to pay rent gives him more money to spend on heroin. So even though you may have thought you'd be
helping him by letting him live with you, you're actually
hurting him. Anything that makes it easier for an addict to continue using drugs is enabling.
At 32 years of age, your son is plenty old enough to be on his own. I know he's struggled in the past because of his addiction, but as parents we have to allow our kids to experience the natural consequences of their actions. If he spends all his $$ on drugs and doesn't have enough to pay his rent, that's
his problem; not yours. To be honest, in his mind your son probably has it made: He's working for his father, who knows about the heroin addiction but still keeps him employed; and he's living with you, so he doesn't have to pay rent (and, I'm guessing, probably doesn't have to buy food, pay utilities, etc.). It's the perfect situation for an addict! And because he's so comfortable, the likelihood that he decides to quit using heroin is very low. Why would he want to change?? He's got everything he wants!
I know it's hard to hear that, but it's the truth. My son lived with us and used heroin and other drugs. He was younger than your son, but my wife and I finally decided that we'd had enough. We told him he had to go to treatment or leave our home. It was an incredibly difficult decision, because we knew the end result could be tragic. But we were suffering because of our son's behavior and decided that
our lives mattered, too. After leaving our home for a few days, our son finally agreed to go to treatment. That's what finally got him on the right path. If we hadn't given him that ultimatum, who knows where we would be right now.
There's a fabulous book out there called
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for parents and partners of addicts and it's full of incredibly helpful information. I highly recommend that you get the book and read it as soon as possible. I think it will help you immensely.
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us this about our loved one's addiction: We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. As parents, we want so much to "fix" our children. But the reality is...we can't. They are the only ones who can decide to change their lives. It doesn't matter how much
we want them to stop using drugs.
They have to be the ones to take the steps necessary to find recovery.
My heart goes out to you, my friend. I know what it's like to be in your shoes. My wife and I enabled our son for a long time. But it wasn't until we decided to stop enabling him that things started to change for the better. For everyone.
We're here to help and support you however we can. It would probably be a good idea for you to seek out a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting in your area, too. Attending those meetings can be very helpful and comforting. There's something about being around a bunch of people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling that makes you feel not so alone.
I'm sending you lots of positive energy, love, and hope.
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