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How do I know if my mother really wants help

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by Dinkers95, Apr 24, 2018.

  1. Dinkers95

    Dinkers95 Member

    When I was born 22 years ago both of my parents were addicts. Anything you can think of they used. My dad got clean and got me and my older sister out of that environment while my mother stayed behind by choice. She tried to physically and emotionally hurt my sister and I during visitations when she was high, and I know that wasn't her wanting to actually hurt us she was just messed up. But regardless, my dad stopped visitations at the courts request and because it was best for us. Years go by and both my mothers parents pass away(she lives with them in a trailer park). More years go by and I reach out to her. Shes still getting high, and couldn't even resist staying sober for a day knowing I was coming to visit. I keep trying to have some contact and eventually my sister tries too. Another few years go by and my mom seems to be getting better. No more twitching, or sores, or random barking. She also was clean enough to attend my sisters wedding and seem normal. Well one more year goes by and we get a call from her. Shes gotten 4th degree burns on her foot because she "fell asleep" with a heating pad on and didnt notice the burn for 2 days... that already sounds bad because who doesn't notice 4th degree burns for that long? Well it gets infected and shes in the hospital for over a month. Come to find out shes also being evicted from the trailer for 4 months of no rent payments. Shes also been unemployed for over a year. Now when she gets discharged she will have no place to live and my sister and I obviously dont want her on the streets, especially not with this infected injury. So my sister graciously opens her home while she is healing. But now she is acting like a child that needs to be coddled, skipping doctors appointments and then lying to us about it, and not taking the proper steps to healing herself faster like checking her sugar
    Levels, changing her bandages, or taking her antibiotics. But she sure can empty a bottle of pain killers in less than a week despite her doctor saying she shouldn't be in much pain anymore. She is causing my sister and I so much stress and she seems so care about not losing her nice comfy home that she lives in for free now, but not about helping heal her injury or getting her life back together so she can move out. I'm just wondering, when comes the time that my sister should just kicker her out? If she wont help better her life than I dont want her free loading off of me and my sister seeing as we pay for the roof over her head, her meals, we get her to all of her appointments, get her pills, make her appointments, and basically do everything for her that a grown woman should do herself... and also we caught her in a lie where she said she rescheduled an appointment which ended up being a no show that we had to pay for because she just didn't feel like going. Should we feel bad about not wanting to help her anymore? Even if she literally never did anything a mother should do and didnt see us for a good 10 years of our childhood?
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Dinkers95 hey there. thanks for reaching out. so sorry you've had to go through all that... not fair at all.

    there's no easy answer when it comes to this situation. it's obvious your mom is sick. she's most likely progressed to a deep level of addiction (disease of the brain)... and addicts are oftentimes selfish, immature, conniving, etc. it's likely she will continue to do these things as she lives with your sister.

    i know you don't want her in the streets. perhaps contact your social services agencies or mental health to see if there are any housing options for her. if she has medicaid, she may be able to get an assessment and case worker assigned...and maybe they can help. i used to work with clients who had dual diagnosis, and i helped them in this regard. she most likely has mental health issues as well as addiction.

    don't feel badly about not taking her in. you can only do so much - family or not. you've gone far above what others may have done... but you deserve a life of peace...and sounds like she's disrupting a lot with her lack of effort.

    hope this helps.

    here if you need.
    Dinkers95 likes this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Dinkers95 I have responded on your other post,i will leave this but check your other post for more detail that i have left you will read a very similar experience with slightly different incidents however you must do what's best for you and your life period you should feel zero guilt for taking care of you.