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How Do You Be The Bad Guy?

Discussion in 'Marijuana' started by DLWright, Oct 19, 2014.

  1. DLWright

    DLWright Member

    We are a low income family. We are always going pay check to pay check and bill to bill. Any time we have a little extra money, I'm so quick to give into my husband. To give him $10, $20, $40 to get a little something to smoke.
    I'm the bread winner and he's the stay at home parent, just in case you wonder why I'm saying I give him the money. I also control the finances so I know when we have "extra" money.

    How do you be the bad guy and tell someone you love that you aren't giving them any money even though its extra and we don't need it? It's hard because I know it helps him. His personality is so different.... Better if you will.

    I almost want to say it's hard to "deal" with him when he's not got something in his system.
  2. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    Every little extra that is saved helps. Drugs on the other hand are a waste of money no matter how little you spend on them. The cash adds up in the end. But to answer your question, how do you stop giving hubby money for drugs without feeling guilty? Simple. Just make a list of the effects of drug addiction. At the end of the day both you and the kids [if you have any] would be losing your hubby to drugs. So why not start helping him right now so he can give up the habit?

    You say that his more agreeable when he smokes something. Could be dealing with withdrawal [syndrome] is what makes him unpleasant. It's just one step towards breaking psychological dependence.
  3. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    I think the best way is to just level with him and talk to him like an adult. He is old enough and should be able to handle it. Just make sure that you are sure in your arguments and you make every point as logical as possible. Once emotional decisions are brought up then it might just turn into a free for all. I'd recommend trying for a compromise first so he doesn't feel like he is being giving the short end of the deal, and you could also look into alternatives such as small side online jobs for the petty expenses.
  4. La.oui

    La.oui Member

    I agree. I know it must be difficult for you and I understand that you would want to see him pleased, but like Rainman said, in the long run it wouldn't be beneficial for him and your family.

    When you approach him about it you'd have to be careful not to make him feel like you are unhappy with him, though. This may lead him to retreat back and refuse the help that you would be offering him.
    Rainman likes this.
  5. sillylucy

    sillylucy Community Champion

    You should ask him if there are any other alternatives to this habit. What if he starts exercising? That's free and it reduces stress. Let him know that you want to start up a savings plan for emergencies. That you want more out of life instead of making it from paycheck to paycheck.
  6. vegito12

    vegito12 Community Champion

    I think it is good what you are doing, as drugs is harmful and may give false happiness for the time being and cause harm in the body. I think it is difficult when someone we know wants money for drugs, and may think if I say no it will cause the person to get upset. The health and family is important, and losing someone to drugs is not something anyone wants. The person just thinks about drugs and other things become second place, and not as important as it was before taking the drugs.
  7. I agree fully with Rainman on the first point. The way people go from living paycheck to paycheck is by putting what's left away and building on something ( and I say this as a person who, until very recently, had to go paycheck to paycheck). Besides, I can't believe there isn't anything else in you and your husband's shared life that extra money couldn't be applied to.

    I understand someone being difficult to deal with, but there has to come a point when a decision has to be made about putting up with someone who won't try to change. It's hard, but if you are honestly worried about him, I think you have to draw a hard line.
    Rainman likes this.
  8. OhioTom76

    OhioTom76 Senior Contributor

    Does he smoke regular cigarettes as well, or drink a lot? If so I would probably cut those out first before the weed. Bottles of liquor and cartons of cigarettes can add up much faster than a bag of weed once or twice a month. When I smoked cigarettes regularly I was spending around $150 per month on them, and liquor, don't even get me started. I could have made a second car payment with a nice ride with what I was spending on booze.

    Could you possibly make up some excuse that one of your monthly bills has gone up and you cannot give him as much going forward? Maybe tell him he can only get $20 per month instead of $40 because your car insurance went up or something like that.
  9. frogsandlegos

    frogsandlegos Active Contributor

    Personally, I think you just need to find a place to put the "extra" money - it could be your kids college fund, retirement fund, saving for a new car, or even your "date night" fund. Then when he asks, you can be completely honest and say sorry, there's none left. Well, it might be okay to resevee a couple of dollars - like say, "sorry this is all we have left" and hand him 2 bucks.

    Have you by chance considered talking with a counselor about this? Many churches will offer counseling for free or low cost -call around. Or call 211 or your local united way for free counseling referrals.

    (((HUGS)))
  10. JoshPosh

    JoshPosh Community Champion

    You can put your foot down and just have a separate bank account and have the check direct deposited. That will definetly make you look like a bad guy. But if you tell him advance that you are going to do this, then that won't be too bad. Tough times call for tough measures, and tough love.
  11. XiaoDre

    XiaoDre Active Contributor

    I do not think that you would be considered the bad guy by telling him this. You may be the bread winner of the household but that doesn't mean that you have to support his habit. That extra money could be used for more important things besides getting something to smoke. Sometimes the truth hurts but people need to hear it. I am sure you guys can find a happy medium about this issue but if not, at least you expressed how you feel. Holding on to things will just continue to make you more frustrated. It is better to let it out and you will feel better about yourself.
  12. Gin0710

    Gin0710 Active Contributor

    You control the finances so you should have a say on what he spends the extra money on. Do you ever buy anything for yourself? Do you splurge on yourself or does it all go to him? I understand you want to help him and in helping him helps the rest of you. To be frank, however, I think the best way to help him is to get him help from a recovery clinic rather than buy him weed all the time. Because while weed might be legal to use, it doesn't guarantee that people use it safely. This sounds similar to alcohol abuse and addiction. Get him help. Don't enable him.
  13. WAVWirmer

    WAVWirmer Member

    I dont think you should become the bad guy in this situation. If its something that hasnt caused any major issues in the family and the money is extra with no real need or importance to "cut him off". However given your financial situation it would be more beneficial to save the money for a rainy day instead of spending it on drugs. If it is a major issue or concern you have try talking with him about it you guys may be able to come to an agreement on the matter.
  14. Gin0710

    Gin0710 Active Contributor

    Honestly, not buying him weed doesn't make you a bad guy. It might seem like it to him initially, but if he gets help for his addiction in the long run it will be a good thing for him.
  15. KC Sunshine

    KC Sunshine Member

    You should ask yourself what kind of role model you want the father of your children to be. You should ask him, too. If you had no misgivings about this tendency to give money to your husband for pot you wouldn't have posted the question at all. Reading between the lines, it sounds like you have misgivings and are afraid to confront the elaborate rationalization you and he have constructed to make this ok. e.g. that it makes him a more pleasant person. I suspect that if you do not provide the funds, he will call you a bad guy. This is red flag. You likely need a third party mediator to help the two of you sort this out. Be honest about your feelings, be honest about your misgivings, and don't be manipulated by his addictive needs.
  16. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Be the "bad guy" by being a 'good gal" and tell your husband there isn't any money for supporting his habit. It's my experience that many women don't do much talking when it comes to matters of finance when their are the helm. They do what must be done to protect the household.

    If you husband loves you as much as you say you love him, he should understand the decisions you make to save what "extra' you have for a rainy day.

    I might be wrong but I am also sensing that you might be paying for more than the weed. It's inferred he's a nicer man when he's high . You can say it. If that's the case, you might have a different problem.
  17. missbishi

    missbishi Community Champion

    This is what I was thinking too. Can I ask, does he get nasty when he's not had a smoke? Obviously, you don't have to answer this but it's what I'm thinking. Are you scared to tell him that you can't afford the weed anymore? If you are, I would suggest doing as OhioTom says and telling him one or two of the bills have gone up.
  18. meenz

    meenz Member

    I'd sit him down and talk to him about the situation. Explain it to him, and if he truly loves you, I'm sure he'll understand. If he feels as if he can't stop, then you can continue to talk to him and explain why you feel that you can't purchase as much of this substance.
    But if he changes entirely as a person when he doesn't smoke, you need to get him help. My dad had the same problem and he turned into someone I'd never knew. It's terrible to be around him, and he needs the help. But because we don't know how to go about it, he's still using.
    I'd definitely sit him down and get him help if he needs it. Even if he claims he doesn't, he might.
  19. cpinatsi

    cpinatsi Senior Contributor

    I think you should be honest with him and talk to him straight forward. I'm pretty sure since you va been together for a long time he will understand that what you do is for the family's well being. He is an adult, he will understand.
  20. Nergaahl

    Nergaahl Community Champion

    Just calmly talk to him and explain why you won't give him the money. He will most likely understand it, and if he doesn't, you can simply not tell him there is extra money.Of course, hiding is never the best option and should be used only in the worst case scenario, but I guess you could talk like two adults.