An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the Forums?Join or

How do you deal with people putting you down?

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by Joyner, Jan 1, 2016.

  1. Joyner

    Joyner Member

    I hope I don't sound whiny, but it genuinely bothers me. How do you deal with people putting you down when you are trying to get over addictive behavior? Specifically, people who throw your past mistakes in your face, or try to associate a mistake you made under the influence with the kind of person you are? I recently had a "friend" throw things in my face from almost 10 years ago. Needless to say, we aren't friends anymore. I know it sounds cliche, but with someone like that around I don't even need enemies to feel like crap. Matter of fact, "friends" are sometimes worse because they know all the little details.

    Short of cutting off everyone in your life (I'm not sure if that's always possible if you have mutual friends or have to see this people at work), how do you deal with it when people want to put you down? Do you confront them or just ignore? I would love to say that "I don't care," but um sometimes it still really stings. We are human. Nobody wants to feel put down.
  2. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    You could ignore the people who try to put you down but since we all learn from mistakes when someone tries to put you down by bringing up something you did years ago, remind them and yourself that you aren't the same person you were back then. Use the reminder to strengthen your resolve to never use drugs again.
  3. kassie1234

    kassie1234 Community Champion

    I used to be very much the kind of person that would just cut people out of my life if they put me down. I've learned that with some people, it's not feasible to cut them out of your life necessarily - I think if it's serious enough then confrontation is okay. I had to do this with my mother in law and I think it's actually helped progress our relationship.
  4. ellyjude

    ellyjude Active Contributor

    The best way to deal with such people is simply to ignore them. They'll be amazed by how you are not wasting your time on their issues and moving on with your life.
  5. HalfBeard

    HalfBeard Active Contributor

    You have to take what they say with a grain of salt, if not ignore them completely. Recognize your past and your mistakes, and you can leave it in your past as long as you've learned. Remind yourself people change, and you too have changed, and you're not the person you once were.
  6. Tsky45

    Tsky45 Community Champion

    You have to be able to encourage yourself. People learn more from what they see then what they hear. There are times when you have to cut people off if they just put you down for whatever reason. But it's your responsibility to better yourself because you will have to deal with the end result of whatever you choose to do.
  7. ellyjude

    ellyjude Active Contributor

    However, there are some things that are to touching to ignore. They are mostly hurting words or words that discourage us. How do you cope with the situation?
  8. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Those kinds of people annoy the hell out of me. I mean, I am trying to change myself for the better now, so why do you have to bring up all of my wrongdoings, and mistakes in the past? Why don't you just support, and motivate me? If you don't have anything good to say, just don't talk to me at all. As for me, the best thing to do is to just ignore them.
  9. ellyjude

    ellyjude Active Contributor

    Will it be wrong if you help such people shut their mouth? I mean, just give them a punch to release the tension within you.
  10. HalfBeard

    HalfBeard Active Contributor

    It's a very difficult question, and I by no means have all the answers. I suppose that some reflective thought on how you have proven such words wrong and plan on continuing to do so can help, as sell as trying to put the situation into perspective.
  11. ellyjude

    ellyjude Active Contributor

    Nicely spoken @HalfBeard,do you have anyone who is trying to pull you down at the moment or at any moment in your life? I would really like to hear a story please.
    HalfBeard likes this.
  12. HalfBeard

    HalfBeard Active Contributor

    I'd be glad to share, but I'd like to preface my story with the fact that it may be drawn out and not all that insightful, but I would be happy to try to help.

    When I was struggling the worst I ever had with OCD (I've had it come and go throughout my life, and have been diagnosed), I also became depressed. I would mope around, cry, pray for things to get better (I rarely pray, this is how desperate I was). Those loved ones closest to me tried and tried to be patient and help, but before long it was too much for them to understand and handle (which, to be honest, I understand. As part of the disorder, I by no means acted rationally, so I literally did sound crazy to the average person). They would often tell me to "man up" and to stop being so miserable all the time. This of course, never helped but only made things worse. Yet, I knew, subconsciously, they couldn't possibly understand. So I powered on. And on and on. I realized those words spoken by them weren't really all that relevant because they didn't grasp the situation or what I was going through. Eventually, I was better, but I never forgot what they said, to this very day. I don't blame or hate them for it, though.
  13. deewanna

    deewanna Senior Contributor

    You have to know that we all make mistakes and once we learn from those mistakes, we become stronger. Nobody should be able to put us down, because at some point in their lives too, they would have made mistakes that would cost them a lot. Once you look at everyone in this light, no one will be able to pull you down.
  14. Cheeky_Chick

    Cheeky_Chick Community Champion

    There are two kinds of people who will put you down in this way, and they are:

    1) People who don't understand how much your addiction affects you and your life, and
    2) People who don't want you to succeed and become a better person.

    Either way, you don't need that type of negativity in your life, because you need to focus on yourself and your own individual journey.
  15. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    It depends on how much you value the person who made the comments. If they are just a casual acquaintance I would say just cut them out. IF it is someone who has been close to you, or who you have to deal with, I would tell them how their behavior makes you feel, and how it is not acceptable to you. If they continue to do it, then cut them out.
  16. Coolkidhere

    Coolkidhere Community Champion

    It's really difficult to ignore people who are putting you down, more so if they are close to you such as your friends, family or loved ones. But for me, ignoring them is the best way to let them know that their negative comments do nothing to you. Of course, constructive criticisms are appreciated but when they are literally putting you down, then they are not worth your time. There are people out there who will love you regardless of your past. Your past doesn't define who you are, remember that. What matters is that you have changed, and is willing to let go of your past mistakes.
  17. pwarbi

    pwarbi Community Champion

    For me, I've always found it quite easy to avoid the negative comments and people surrounding me, and while sometimes you may not be able to cut that person off completely, you don't have to listen to them either.
  18. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    That is a hard part cause as you said, there are times that you cannot just ignore or left behind those people. I think better to prove yourself to them that you already changed as the saying that, the best revenge is letting them see you successful and happy. But of course it is not a revenge but more of proving yourself and living a better life.
  19. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    They are living in the past, not in the present time. Perhaps you never apologized for whatever it was that they brought up. Maybe never admitted that what you did was wrong.
    Being able to admit and correct something that was a past mistake. Owning up to it at the time makes in easier for people to let go and move on. Restore faith or friendship. There are plenty of people who walk around carelessly and endlessly doing things wrong that never want to own up to it. Guess what you get back for that? The same thing, people get tired of it.
    "That's one thing I like about you. You are not afraid to admit when you are wrong." It is an admirable trait. Some people perpetuate it in themselves and others. Years I would always admit anything that I had done wrong, just because it is so much better to live that way. Then I get around people who cannot stand to admit they do anything wrong, complete know it alls. Oh, boy your whole perspective changes.
    If a friend brought something up from ten years ago its because the issue was not properly addressed. I'm going to say you treated it like it was nothing and you did nothing wrong.