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How do you stop the demon?

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Wherespamela, Jun 27, 2018.

  1. Wherespamela

    Wherespamela Member

    So I tried cocaine for the first time when I was 21 and 8 years later was still doing it until I found a new love: opiates. That was a 4 year addiction. I was prescribed adderall last October because I'm bipolar and have focusing problems. I'm not the type of bipolar where I need regular medication, i am the type that only gets manic on ssri's so regular maintenance medication isn't needed because my moods are stable. The adderall initially made me feel great, euphoric and alive. I got up early during the day and cleaned and was able to focus on work. The good feelings ended like they do with all drugs. My problem is, I really want to quit taking adderall because it's making me turn narcissistic and I'm not as bubbly as I used to be. I'm very turned inward. The problem I'm having is a battle with my own mind. There's SOMETHING in the adderall that helps me, but it makes me emotionally numb just like opiates and cocaine did and I want to start feeling again. I don't want to take medication. But when i don't take adderall i crave opiates. I'm seeking to numb my emotions. I've figured out the root of my addiction. I've tried stopping but it never works out. I also live with an adderall addict as well. She actually introduced me to them. I just want to live normally. I want to be sober and be happy. I'm supposed to get clean because I'm supposed to do something important. I had a spiritual experience last year right before the adderall scripts started coming and I believe they're connected. Yet this demon is stronger than me. I'm not at rock bottom. I don't pay for my drug of choice. I don't know how in the hell I'm going to stop this addiction. And I know the obvious answer is stop getting a script. Tell the dr the truth. That won't help because it's in my house all the time and I have access to it regardless. I want to be the type of person that says they're gonna do something and then frickin do it! I'm just ranting sorry. I don't tell anyone about this problem so I had to get it out somehow.
    lonewolves likes this.
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Ok so i was on Ritalin for 12year's from 6 to 18year's old then i found meth and struggled with it for many years and I nearly died several time's.Ritalin and meth 100% the same effect because they are the same thing "Amphetamine" Now cocaine for you was first 8 year's you used it,now you struggle with Adderall,well they are exactly the same thing.Adderall is always constant in strength but it is 100% the same thing as Cocaine similar in every way because they are the same thing minus the chemicals used to cut cocaine so your addiction to cocaine is directly connected to your addiction to Adderall and until you educate yourself about the substance in it's entirety you may continue to think of adderall as a help simply because it is prescribed.Stay Strong and God Bless
    lonewolves likes this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Wherespamela welcome. i'm glad you're getting this out here. that's a great first step!

    i understand wanting to numb emotions...and getting addicted to things that do. it sucks....and FEELING pain sucks too....took me a long time to learn that feeling pain, anxiety,'s not going to kill me, but shoveling substances down my throat might!!

    have you thought about seeing a good therapist? an addiction therapist? time and money spent there, say for a few months, can help YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?? really... if you don't have the money, figure out a way to get it and try it... a good therapist can def help...

    of course, there's rehabs, 12 step meetings, etc. as well. find a strategy that will work for you...
    lonewolves and True concern like this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Wherespamela... I think an addiction specialist could help you wean off the Adderall with minimal withdrawal symptoms. You might want to consider that option.
    True concern likes this.
  5. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    My psychiatrist has me trying all the meds for ADHD right now, but you have me a little scared to try Adderall. I haven’t had any results from Strattera or Concerta, and now I’ve been on Dextroamphetamine’s for about 5 days with no luck yet. I have a very addictive personality, I really hope I’ll be okay. I also really hope that YOU’LL be okay. It seems like you are ready to take that leap to get clean, but I just wish you could find a sober roommate. It doesn’t seem like your roommate is ready to seek help yet, but I know you have it in you!
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Good luck with the meds, @lonewolves. Just be sure to take them only as prescribed. A lot of medications can do a lot to help people when used as directed. I hope you can get your ADHD under control. I have a son with ADHD, so I know how frustrating it can be.
    lonewolves and True concern like this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I can relate to your concern @lonewolves please don't take this personal because i in no way intend it to be,but just as you have worry for @Wherespamela as far as a sober roommate,i everyday worry for you with you being in a similar situation having cocaine at your disposal with your roommate...The roommate you have is your boyfriend so i won't get to opinionated,but i truly care for you and I worry.That being said i commend your courage and strength in not using it and i am extremely proud of you.Being an A.D.H.D. sufferer myself i know all to well how it can mess with your life and as i get more sober time and put more thought into actually writing a book it will definitely be a part of it.I will start writing this book if i can ever get an actual computer or laptop which everyone has these day's except those of us who live in poverty,which i most definitely do.However i believe the lord will supply when the time is right so for now i wait patiently
    Dominica, lonewolves and deanokat like this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You are a great person and parent @deanokat this is the first i've heard of your son's A.D.H.D. and it is absolutely a driving factor in the struggle he has.I know this because it absolutely is a major factor in thing's i've been through in my struggle.I once had my IQ tested and i missed being a Genius by exactly 3 IQ point's but often time's i think back and wonder did i just get bored while taking the test a perhaps am a Genius?I will never know and honestly i never even graduated high school,not because i couldn't pass but i got bored with it 17 credits away from it and i will also add i had just started dope a few month's prior to dropping out,no G.E.D. either as i ended up married with three step kid's to try and supply for so i devoted the focus i had on working and sadly i had the world in the palm of my hands making over 70K a year at 22 and eventually addiction delivered me to poverty and now at the age of 37 i think back and honestly i don't mis the money at all but i do mis everything the addiction took from me as far as relationships with loved one's.....Damn im getting old.
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  9. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    LOL! Im actually laughing right now, you’re totally right, I was being a hypocrite for sure! That’s another reason why I love this website! Even when you’re trying to help someone else, you can end up learning so much about yourself!