An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the DrugAbuse.com Forums?Join or

How to deal with an enabler

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by Clairelouise84, Mar 11, 2015.

  1. Gelsemium

    Gelsemium Community Champion

    How many times the people closer to us are the ones that hurt us the most? Sometimes it's necessary a "stranger" to see the big picture, an external view sometimes it's the best one.
    Clairelouise84 likes this.
  2. JoshPosh

    JoshPosh Community Champion

    You just tell her how you feel about it. If it continues then threaten to go to the police. If she does it again, that actually call the police for real. don't worry about losing her friendship. I wouldn't want her friendship anyways.
  3. Clairelouise84

    Clairelouise84 Senior Contributor

    I am going to have to call the police the next time it happens, I don't care if she hates me, I do not care for her either to tell you the truth. I am tired of her pretending to be a good person when she is in fact selfish and lazy.
  4. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Enabler? Yeah I hear that. The real question is; "Is she a disabler?" Does she suppress him? Giving money and a place to live for someone seems like one is enabling. But the most important thing is what she says and does. Often it seems as if it is his fault by using and taking advantage of his Mom, but is that the reality?
    Her language to him when they are alone or in daily life. If it is there when you look at it this way it makes much more sense. You see sometimes when this kind of a situation is going on you think the bad guy is the drug user or the one who isn't working. Suppression is often masked and disguised to make another look bad. If she does a lot of negative talk to him like: "you can't do that or you'll never do that." If she complains about him endlessly like he did this wrong or that wrong. Constant complaining and blaming.
    Constant negative chatter from your mother is damaging and disabling. Often a suppressive person loves to put that person in a place where they depend on them for money and everyone thinks they are a terrible person. It's power for their ego. Even though they complain they secretly love it. Very often the negative chatter comes when no one else is around.
    Turning to drugs and criminal behavior shows a damaged family environment from childhood. A deranged parent causes their son or daughter to have these problems with this. The parent doesn't have to have a drug problem but that lack of emotional support and healthy behaviors breeds problems in children. They grow up and as adults their groundwork is not stable enough for them to function properly in society. It appears as if they are the problem and they are but it is not their fault. Some parents don't understand how important they are in the raising of their children. They often put so much anger in the child they are surprised when they get it back.
    She could be enabling and she is, but if you look closely. More than likely she gets a rise out of this.
  5. Mzpeaceful1

    Mzpeaceful1 Active Contributor

    Ugh, I keep trying to get my sister to stop sending my son money. She thinks she is helping him out on his birthdays and holidays by sending him huge checks when she knows he is a drug addict and an alcoholic. I keep telling her he is not using it for anything productive but just blowing it all on his addictions. She does the same thing with her own kids. I guess enablers just don't see the errors or their ways sometimes and they think that they are helping when they are really creating a bigger problem.
  6. Wordsmith75

    Wordsmith75 Member

    Enabler? Yeah I hear that. The real question is; "Is she a disabler?" Does she suppress him? Giving money and a place to live for someone seems like one is enabling. But the most important thing is what she says and does. Often it seems as if it is his fault by using and taking advantage of his Mom, but is that the reality?
    Her language to him when they are alone or in daily life. If it is there when you look at it this way it makes much more sense. You see sometimes when this kind of a situation is going on you think the bad guy is the drug user or the one who isn't working. Suppression is often masked and disguised to make another look bad. If she does a lot of negative talk to him like: "you can't do that or you'll never do that." If she complains about him endlessly like he did this wrong or that wrong. Constant complaining and blaming.
    Constant negative chatter from your mother is damaging and disabling. Often a suppressive person loves to put that person in a place where they depend on them for money and everyone thinks they are a terrible person. It's power for their ego. Even though they complain they secretly love it. Very often the negative chatter comes when no one else is around.
    Turning to drugs and criminal behavior shows a damaged family environment from childhood. A deranged parent causes their son or daughter to have these problems with this. The parent doesn't have to have a drug problem but that lack of emotional support and healthy behaviors breeds problems in children.
  7. pineywood

    pineywood Community Champion

    My personal opinion, your focus should shift from the faults of your future mother-in-law to your future husband. The dynamics between daughter-in-laws and mother-in-laws can be stressful without the added difficulty of drug abuse.

    Do you think, it is wise to begin a marriage while your loved one is still an addict? You have already mentioned that you do not care for his mother. Do you think your resentment will shift from her to him later on?
    deanokat likes this.