I do not know exactly why I have decided to write these feelings down here. Perhaps, they can help others who feel the same or, perhaps, it is just about me, a way of releasing everything that is hurting. I started smoking at the age 14. Now, I am 32. From 16 to 32, I have been smoking all days; rarely, I miss one day or other. During this period of time, I have been done other drugs as well: cocaine, mushrooms, LSD, ecstasy, MDMA, alcohol, benzodiazepines, antipsychotics etc (predominantly weed, nonetheless). Nowadays, my mind is completely fucked up. I am totally paranoic. I need to smoke weed for everything. For my work, for my study, for sex, for sleep, for fun, for sadness. In the end, it does not matter, weed will be always present in my life. I smoke, on average, 8 to 10 reefers per day, which means that I smoke my first one after breakfast and my last one just before go to sleep. In this interval of time (from morning to night), I will be smoking as most as possible. I have zero enjoyment in my life, nothing gives me pleasure (not even smoke weed because all the time I am smoking I am also guilting myself, because I know I should be stopping). I cannot travel or go out to places where I cannot smoke. I never hang out with sober people. I have tried to stop smoking weed hundred of times. I have failed in all of them. I cannot see life without weed. I no longer have emotions for that. I used to have a lot of friends and girls. Now, I still have my friends who smoke. I lost my last girlfriend because she could not live together with me (always stoned). In general, I am so high and paranoic that I cannot approach any women, so that I am living alone for years. I hope one day I will be able to live sober and happy simultaneously. However, even considering my paranoic state of mind, I had a lot of fun with drugs so that I believe if I stop I will be always missing this part of my life, which, apparently, is an instrinsic part of my essence.