Hello, my first time ever joining a group but after reading some stories. And no one judging each other, I believe this is a start. I'm a female 40yrs old and have had anxiety for a very long time. I take Xanax for it but I definitely cannot lie that I've been on them way too long and now I'm afraid of what's ahead of me. My psych has me on 2mg 3x a day but what I've done is just take all 3 at once. I use to take them before but not at this dose until about a year and some change. My psych I go to doesn't ask questions he gives me my script and I go on and get them filled. But I always go over my dose. I got pregnant 9yrs ago and just stopped. I don't think I went through bad withdrawals at that time or maybe because I was sick from my first trimester I didn't notice. I had my daughter and didn't go back on them until a friend called and said they had some to get rid of and BOOM! back on it. We had a really bad storm and all the lights in my city went off and I had no way of getting any because all pharmacies were closed. I went 8 days that time and my sleep was off..my appetite was gone and my vision started to blur as well as my speech slurring. I have 3 kids I would try to hide from them. Tummy was running.. throwing up basically nothing and it was hard.. when the lights came back and I was able to get them and slept like a baby. And all my senses started coming back. But I have so many triggers bills, kids, trying to be the best mom and best worker .. this year has been the worst yet. My children's father died suddenly in Feb if this year. He was my best friend for 23yrs. I didn't know he was using crack weed heroin beer and Xanax he used such a small dose of xanax and always told me to take the lowest amount. I didn't know the reason that worked for him was because he mixed the Xanax with the heroin. I never knew he was using heroin at all. I knew about the crack but I thought he had stopped. He also would play w PCP as well. All of 2017.. his lungs were giving him problems ..it was a struggle to breathe and he would go to the hospital get treatment for his lungs and come back. Doctors told him he had COPD but he was only 38 and never smoked cigarettes. Anyhow, the day he died.. the news they told me was he did a bag of heroin and was still fine. Smoked some weed and had a beer.. he was making jokes the whole time. Then they smoked some crack and he got quiet and said I CAN'T BREATHE..he was with 5 guys and 4 of them ran the owner of the house he was in called an ambulance BUT he carried him outside. He said that my kids father was gripping him as they went down the stairs but once they got to the front door his grip loosened and he fell to the floor. I believe that both of his lungs must've collapsed and my poor guy suffocated to death basically..ambulance tried what they could because the guy told the EMTS that he had an asthma attack making no mention of the drugs they did. He was DOA upon arrival. I've been crying everyday since Feb2.. because his bday was Feb9 and he would've been 40!it was such a huge loss for me. I lost my job my car and my best friend. And to have to break the news to the kids was horrible. It took me 21yrs back as my mom died suddenly of a aortic aneurysm.. and he stood by me that whole time. We had a conversation before he died and I said if u were to die it would eat me alive. I cannot do this without you. He had been in my life since I was 15 and got pregnant at 19. Soon as I had my daughter 4months later is when mom passed. I'm also a product of molestation. I was molested by different people from age 2-10.. and I always said to myself... if all these people could touch me,then I MUST be doing something to attract them. I knew everything about sex by 10.including falatio. I wanted to throw a brief part of my history with you all. Xanax made me able to open the mailbox and deal w my bills. I dont have a support system. Only my kids. Last time I ran out by day3 my heart racing blood pressure and pulse was skyrocket high and ended up in hospital.i chose to go on day3 because I knew I wasn't going to get any better by the next day.it would only get worse. I don't drink. I may smoke some weed time to time. But the state of my life is ridiculous. I'm still not working. I'm trying to get stronger to start my new life without my partner. I receive Medicaid now that I'm not working and also an HMO.. I'm tired of being a slave to this drug and I want to detox safely and I know I wouldn't pop another mind altering pill again. The problem is who takes Medicaid? And maybe if I was in my 20s it would be something easier to do.. now my kids have lost one parent and I don't want them to lose me.i choose LIFE .. it's summer time so I am thinking this is the best time to do it.. because I can have the kids stay w someone. I don't know how long i would be in an inpatient program because I'm on a high dose. I just want to detox safely. Each time I get my script filled I say I'M GONNA TAPER DOWN MYSELF. And I dont. Just need a program. I don't want to struggle like this anymore. My life is insane.. my oldest and I got into an argument and we aren't speaking. I love her so much.. but she has her own life. Now just asking you all. What do I do??! Been on these things for a long time. Is there hope for me? When I went to hospital the docs and nurses looked down on me.. people hear Medicaid and know I'm gonna be perceived as a druggie. Help me guys please..sorry for it being so long this post.