I believe this is my rock bottom

Hello, my first time ever joining a group but after reading some stories. And no one judging each other, I believe this is a start.
I'm a female 40yrs old and have had anxiety for a very long time. I take Xanax for it but I definitely cannot lie that I've been on them way too long and now I'm afraid of what's ahead of me. My psych has me on 2mg 3x a day but what I've done is just take all 3 at once. I use to take them before but not at this dose until about a year and some change. My psych I go to doesn't ask questions he gives me my script and I go on and get them filled. But I always go over my dose. I got pregnant 9yrs ago and just stopped. I don't think I went through bad withdrawals at that time or maybe because I was sick from my first trimester I didn't notice.
I had my daughter and didn't go back on them until a friend called and said they had some to get rid of and BOOM! back on it. We had a really bad storm and all the lights in my city went off and I had no way of getting any because all pharmacies were closed. I went 8 days that time and my sleep was off..my appetite was gone and my vision started to blur as well as my speech slurring. I have 3 kids I would try to hide from them. Tummy was running.. throwing up basically nothing and it was hard.. when the lights came back and I was able to get them and slept like a baby. And all my senses started coming back. But I have so many triggers bills, kids, trying to be the best mom and best worker .. this year has been the worst yet. My children's father died suddenly in Feb if this year. He was my best friend for 23yrs. I didn't know he was using crack weed heroin beer and Xanax he used such a small dose of xanax and always told me to take the lowest amount. I didn't know the reason that worked for him was because he mixed the Xanax with the heroin. I never knew he was using heroin at all. I knew about the crack but I thought he had stopped. He also would play w PCP as well. All of 2017.. his lungs were giving him problems ..it was a struggle to breathe and he would go to the hospital get treatment for his lungs and come back. Doctors told him he had COPD but he was only 38 and never smoked cigarettes. Anyhow, the day he died.. the news they told me was he did a bag of heroin and was still fine. Smoked some weed and had a beer.. he was making jokes the whole time. Then they smoked some crack and he got quiet and said I CAN'T BREATHE..he was with 5 guys and 4 of them ran the owner of the house he was in called an ambulance BUT he carried him outside. He said that my kids father was gripping him as they went down the stairs but once they got to the front door his grip loosened and he fell to the floor. I believe that both of his lungs must've collapsed and my poor guy suffocated to death basically..ambulance tried what they could because the guy told the EMTS that he had an asthma attack making no mention of the drugs they did. He was DOA upon arrival. I've been crying everyday since Feb2.. because his bday was Feb9 and he would've been 40!it was such a huge loss for me. I lost my job my car and my best friend. And to have to break the news to the kids was horrible. It took me 21yrs back as my mom died suddenly of a aortic aneurysm.. and he stood by me that whole time.
We had a conversation before he died and I said if u were to die it would eat me alive. I cannot do this without you. He had been in my life since I was 15 and got pregnant at 19. Soon as I had my daughter 4months later is when mom passed. I'm also a product of molestation. I was molested by different people from age 2-10.. and I always said to myself... if all these people could touch me,then I MUST be doing something to attract them. I knew everything about sex by 10.including falatio. I wanted to throw a brief part of my history with you all. Xanax made me able to open the mailbox and deal w my bills. I dont have a support system. Only my kids. Last time I ran out by day3 my heart racing blood pressure and pulse was skyrocket high and ended up in hospital.i chose to go on day3 because I knew I wasn't going to get any better by the next day.it would only get worse. I don't drink. I may smoke some weed time to time. But the state of my life is ridiculous. I'm still not working. I'm trying to get stronger to start my new life without my partner. I receive Medicaid now that I'm not working and also an HMO.. I'm tired of being a slave to this drug and I want to detox safely and I know I wouldn't pop another mind altering pill again. The problem is who takes Medicaid? And maybe if I was in my 20s it would be something easier to do.. now my kids have lost one parent and I don't want them to lose me.i choose LIFE .. it's summer time so I am thinking this is the best time to do it.. because I can have the kids stay w someone. I don't know how long i would be in an inpatient program because I'm on a high dose. I just want to detox safely. Each time I get my script filled I say I'M GONNA TAPER DOWN MYSELF. And I dont. Just need a program. I don't want to struggle like this anymore. My life is insane.. my oldest and I got into an argument and we aren't speaking. I love her so much.. but she has her own life. Now just asking you all. What do I do??! Been on these things for a long time. Is there hope for me? When I went to hospital the docs and nurses looked down on me.. people hear Medicaid and know I'm gonna be perceived as a druggie. Help me guys please..sorry for it being so long this post.

First off welcome to the site and yes there is hope for you.Im so sorry about your husband and im truly devastated by what happened to you between 2-10 that was not your fault and those sick motherfu×kers deserve to hurt,for them i have no sympathy and could.....well i can't say what i could do to them because it's graphically violent.Yes inpatient rehab is absolutely the best way to go but on benzodiazepines or xanax same thing you must taper as you will get deathly ill and hallucinations are worse than LSD but please be very careful 6 mgs of xanax at one time absolutely labors your breathing and you may die in your sleep so please one 2 mg bar with atleast 6 hour's in between or each dose very well could be your last.Stay Strong and God Bless.I will reply further once i calm down....When i hear of molestation i am filled with superman type strength and my anger boils over so i must go beat the hell out of a punching bag for awhile.You got this and other's will reply and hopefully they will supply better information than myself

Thanks for responding. And I always try to put those years behind me... but they hurt. The 3 men who did do it are now dead. Thank you so much for responding to me and I am so ready to face this uphill battle.

We will be here share openly it helps us know how to approach our responses but this community of people are all amazing in so many ways but i really like that they really care so we understand and indeed do want to be by your side on your journey

Thank you so much! I will start searching today, it's summertime so the kids are out of school and I believe i can go inpatient if any one takes Medicaid w the HMO.. I know for Sure that once I can get that assistance that I won't relapse. I take them now because I don't want to get sick. But being low income ..i see they treat us differently. I am gonna change that God willing once I get clean. This is the ONLY place I've come that people actually care. I don't think anyone should be treated differently due to social status. But I am more than ready to face this and work towards getting my brain and my body back to me. Now that my partner is gone I have to do this for my kids. They are still mourning the loss and I am too. Unending tears. It's time. I will keep you all posted on my journey. If u don't mind me asking, how long were you on the benzo. And can you share your story with me??

@Looking4betterdays, my heart breaks for you. No one should have to go through anything like that in their lives. My mom was molested multiple times as a child, and she was very open about it to us when we were young. My mom’s childhood pain made ME stronger as a person, and I truly believe that your 3 kids will be just as strong as you. You may not see yourself as strong right now, but from my perspective you seem like a superhero. Quitting Xanax when you got pregnant? Your mom passing away right after you have your first baby? Losing your best friend and having to continue raising 3 children alone? Fucking Wonderwoman to me!

YOU ARE SO SPECIAL IN THIS WORLD! You deserve to get clean, you deserve to be happy.

I wish I could help you with your Medicaid problem, but I am Canadian and I don’t know anything about it. BUT, we are here for you, and we’re all so glad you made it here to the forum.

Thank you.. I am kinda weak right now.. but yes I will find my strength

No matter how weak you get we will all extend our arms and help you back to your feet

Wow! I'm glad you're off of them and that you tapered off them yourself. That story is amazing! No inpatient programs or anything. I can't wait to give my testimony. You guys are all super supportive.. and this is what the world needs. I had a therapist but when we dived into my WHOLE life story. I think he went to a therapist after me. He actually said the best thing was to stay on the medication...

I agree, and if I had spoken to just 1 person before taking them and they would have told me the nightmare I would experience. I wouldn't have taken it. I don't want to sound naive but I didn't something prescribed would be so lethal.
I know former heroin addicts who kicked at home and it was horrific for them but speaking to someone who used both, they said the Xanax was the worst to kick. Heroin became a huge epidemic in the town I use to live in so going back and old girlfriend of mine said she went to jail and had to kick both. She said jail doesn't help you through withdrawal symptoms and the Xanax kicked her butt! She now has been clean for 11yrs and she's working a program as well. She still goes even after all these years. She said it's an everyday struggle for her to not turn back. But I thank God I wasn't around when everyone started on the heroin. But this is even worse.

I kicked both and alcohol at the exact same time so i don't know what made me the sickest but i do remember 27 straight day's of hell on earth oh and meth...i kicked 4 at once.Thank you heavenly father for sparing this soul.I will do good things with it from now on.Stay Strong and God Bless. 6month's sober as of yesterday yaaaaaaa

Hi,. I see what everyone else is telling you, and I can't add anything else to it I don't think. You've already established that benzos are straight from the bowels of hell,. and that satan himself manufactured the withdrawals. That about sums up benzos. I call em hell pebbles.
I guess I could tell you what I'm going through I have come along way.
2 years ago it took me 180 MGS of Valium to really settle me down good if I was in a serious panic attack. But without fail everyday I needed 120 mg just to keep withdrawals away. And to keep my senses functioning properly like you mentioned.
But that was 2 years ago and now I got down to 30 MGS of Valium the swapped to 4 MGS of Ativan to finish the taper. Now I do have epeileps, so I'm prone to siezures. So for me since that can be a withdrawal symptom it happens to be the first one I get. That meens I cannot go into any type of hard withdrawals at all.....none.
So my taper is lasting waaaaayyy longer than normal.
Most people don't have to worry about that.
I will speak to what you said about not being able to do it at home. In this last two years I have had 2 instances where I knew I was about to get week and take more than I should. So I went inpatient before I even had the chance to screw up my detox. And both times I didn't feel like I was being week to go get help, I was infact happy that I did go get help because I knew that this drug had such a powerful hold over me that the only way I could continue was to be locked away from it for a couple weeks. I think that takes more willpower to voluntarily put yourself in rehab because you know you can't do it than to sit at home and struggle. I know how it is when you can't do anythinf but .pace back and forth for hours trying to not take that one more pill (and you know it's fruitless because your gonna take it anyway) and you can't get anything done because you're so distracted by the craving.
I would not give a crap what people think about you for getting your life back. And I'm speaking from experience here.
I remember going to ER for help because I was an addict that couldn't stop. I had been for od's plenty of time, but not ever because I wanted to quit.
Well when I went because I wanted help, actually a few of the nurses who had treated me before came to me and this is true one was even crying telling me that she was so happy I finally wanted saving. One of the doctors even told me that he hoped his daughter found the same strenght-his wording not mine-to get herself hello before she died.
You said that you just know as soon as anyone heard Medicade they are gonna think druggie. But I promise you they are actually going to think finally someone on drugs smart enough to get Medicade!
I'm not trying to make a joke, I'm being real with you, not many people who get on a hard drug and given how hard and dangerous benzos are to stop I think they are some of the hardest drugs. But not many people get on them and of there own volition have the will power to admit they need help.
Stop worrying about it and go get your life back. You can do it. These people saved me from a relapse only three months ago that was sure to kill me. Hurry and do this while you have the chance.
And please don't take 3 xanex bars at once, you did say you want to live and that's a death wish. You can do this.

CONGRATS ON 6 MONTHS!!!! THAT US GREAT! OH MAN, I HOPE YOU CELEBRATED YOURSELF. You made all of that happen, and here's to 60more

Thank you so much and i cannot give the people of this site enough credit,it took alot of opening up,sharing thing's i had never shared before.Lot's of tears and resentment.Many month's and it continues to this day.Simply put i didn't do this alone,i had support from everyone here.Absolutely a life changing experience and i thank you all again

Thank you so much for your story. Whew panic and anxiety attacks are so REAL! I know I have issues but I'm ready for me and God to face them now. His strength and mine. I called a few places but all were closed yesterday. So I will try again. I'm scared of having a seizure.. never had one in my life but what does happen is my heart rate and blood pressure sky rocket and the trembles and all other stuff is crazy. I did go 8 LONG DAYS once because we had a big storm and went without power so my pharmacy was closed. My brain felt like the Matrix and if it would've gotten better I would have stopped then. But my sleep was filled w busy dreams so when I opened my eyes I felt as though I never slept. My vision was blurring and it was just all bad. I did look at a chart and it said after 2 weeks it should taper down. But I also read never go cold turkey. If I was in my 20s I think my body could handle cold turkey and it would be a lesson learned. But I know I need the help. The place that said they accept Medicaid says it's an Intensive Outpatient Program so I'll see what they mean. It also said if they felt i would need detox first they would send people for a detox then back to Intensive Outpatient Care. With urine samples to make sure I'm doing my part. I heard this guy the other day on TV and he was addicted to Xanax and Percs he has been very open about his usage. He had lots of money and people so it was at his beck and call. And he's clean now. But he said IT'S A SERIOUS UPHILL BATTLE to get off. He won't even take a Tylenol if he has a headache. Honestly, I know I'm really sad because I lost my partner but then I cry because I'm sad how I let this get so out of hand. And my support system will really be online and the future people I meet in whichever place I go to. But I'm sure God will continue putting the right people in my path as I take this journey.

Yes he will the lord work's in mysterious ways