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I believe this is my rock bottom

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Looking4betterdays, Jul 5, 2018.

  1. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Absolutely. If God had not been with me the last two years I would not be alive.
    I often say that my story of addiction and now my journey through recovery is nothing short of miraculous. And that's because it is there is no other way to describe how I've lived when I should have been dead.
    The last time I shot up and went to the hospital, they didn't expect me to live when they took me off life support, but I started breathing.
    Then there's was my suicide attempt about 5 years ago. 3 doctors stood in my hospital room and conversed with each other like I wasn't there listening. But they were deciding if they should give me dialisis or not and give me fresh blood. I heard one of them say he just didn't know what to do because it was as if the alcohol and drugs weren't affecting me. And they indeed were not. I took a whole script of Klonopin and the remainder of the Valium I had and washed that down with vodka and Gatorade Mike's just so that I could guzzle it. I passed out while drinking that and someone found me and took me to ER. But I just slept and then woke up, like nothing happened. That was a real eye opener and I began to think about getting clean. Anyway don't be like me and think about it but wait years before you do it and risk overdose all the while. God helped me He can surely help you.
  2. Looking4betterdays

    Looking4betterdays Active Contributor

    What were you shooting? If I may ask..
  3. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    I am a recovering heroin and benzos addict.
    Looking4betterdays likes this.
  4. Looking4betterdays

    Looking4betterdays Active Contributor

    I only WISH I knew my children's father was shooting up heroin.. I saw no track marks and i didn't see the signs. And he was always taking the smallest dose of xanax.. but then I found out it was because he was mixing it w the heroin. He was a loving guy he was great. And I missed it. I can't believe I did.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  5. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    H addicts go to great lengths to hide it. You can't blame yourself. And I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure if he were here he would encourage you to beat this addiction.
  6. Looking4betterdays

    Looking4betterdays Active Contributor

    Ok. That became and still is an epidemic in the town I grew up in. BUT there's a problem now, people are putting Fentanyl in this drug. Alot of my school friends are dying. My partner and I were friends from 15yrs old. And he cried for our friends so I didn't dream he was doing it. He tried many things the last 10to15yrs but when it got rough he stopped. Or I thought. Because he did heroin beer weed and crack that day.. and his last words were I can't breathe..
  7. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Yes I overdose a few times on fentenyl and it is the strongest drug I've ever done. I was too scared to inject it it's so strong. I'm very sorry so sorry your hurting. I lost my wife early and that was the driving factor being my continual use. I feel for you. Know this though that coming off benzos has emotional effects like crazy. Different from day to day. Just stay strong and stay the course. I'm having rough emotions the last few days that is why I haven't been here. But @True concern has been a real encouraging friend and kept my mind on track I'm grateful for that. You can do it.
    deanokat and Looking4betterdays like this.
  8. Looking4betterdays

    Looking4betterdays Active Contributor

    I think so too. It may be crazy but I feel like I can hear him say GO MA GET THE HELP.. YOU'RE STRONG.WE GOT THIS. Because his lungs had gotten really bad in 2017. Doc said it was COPD..and he never smoked cigarettes.. they told him he had 10yrs w those lungs. But they kept collapsing. I told him if he died it would eat me up.and he said I'm sorry ma.. I'll be here im not gonna leave you. But that day I can only believe that both lungs collapsed and it was too late for asthma pumps or anything. He died on the sidewalk.
  9. Looking4betterdays

    Looking4betterdays Active Contributor


    I hope to have a relationship w you all that I can give you hope through your roughest days. Right now I don't even know what I'm about to face. But once I am clean and my mind is clear. I want to help everyone I can. Because I know how it is to be alone in this battle and no one should have to go through this alone.. it makes me feel like changing my career path. Because so many people are hurting and sometimes all they need is confirmation that they are worthy. Everyone is worthy.
    deanokat and Josh111187 like this.
  10. Looking4betterdays

    Looking4betterdays Active Contributor

    I'm not working right now. When I woke up that dreadful night(I worked overnights) and saw I missed so many calls and then i read my text message and his mother said he died. The pain went past my heart and straight to my soul. I went back to work 2 weeks later but the account I was in charge of was Apple and I knew I couldn't do anything.. I left and quit. I'll never be who I was but I'm ready to start my life anew.. my job I left sent me an email.. I think they want to take me back and I will go back but after I take care of me.
    Dominica likes this.
  11. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    What do you mean "Mike's" to wash it down
    Looking4betterdays likes this.
  12. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Thank you my friend for giving me such credit,however i want you to understand.I DO IT BECAUSE I CARE,YOU MATTER TO ME and not just that i think about your son and though i don't know him if i can help his daddy in any way at all to keep him around to see that boy grow up...I'm All About It and it is indeed my honor
  13. Looking4betterdays

    Looking4betterdays Active Contributor

    @True concern I think you're helping many people on here.. I pray God blesses u in the overflow. Who was your support system?
  14. Looking4betterdays

    Looking4betterdays Active Contributor


    I think there's a drink called Mike's Hard Lemonade.. it's an alcohol beverage served cold
  15. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    God has blessed me and continues to do so.He has given me the opportunity and blessing of meeting all the beautiful soul's on this site.My support network was only One family member who's encouragement and constantly pointing out my bullsh×t really gave me hope but i rarely see or talk to him anymore as we come from very negative families and we were the worst as far as addiction and morals are concerned and for the family to see us now they honestly true to discredit and mock us as if they are saint's so we don't go around each other's side of the family as both my side and his are absolutely miserable human beings who only feel good about themselves when they are judging someone else and seeing us now sober just disgust them,they truly are just hateful resentful people.So 95 percent of my support came from the people now commenting here on your story and i thank god for each of them and indeed i think of them as my online family and if they ever needed help in real life i would make a road trip,which they would have to pay for because im beyond poor and actually live in poverty but none the less if they needed me i would be there
  16. Looking4betterdays

    Looking4betterdays Active Contributor

    Funny thing guys is I come from addicts.my father was hooked on crack and whatever else he did. He was in hospital and when the doc was discharging him they told him YOUR HEART CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE..IF YOU DO IT AGAIN,YOU WON'T SURVIVE.. he came out and a 2weeks later he laid there in a coma and died.

    My mom smoked weed and drank and sniffed coke back in the days..
    So I smoked weed but because I saw my oldest brother get addicted to crack I told myself I won't even drink. Because I'm an addict already without using because of my parents
    And both my parents are dead now I look and say you still found a drug to make you a slave to yourself... my mom quit everything she did once my brother got hooked. As we sat in the hospital w him and the doctors told him he was HIV+ and looking back he was only 23yrs old. It shook my mom to the core. She stayed in church. Unfortunately she never saw my brother clean. She died before that miracle happened. I was 13 or so. But for years I thought I would lose my brother because he went even harder afterwards. Now he is 51 and he runs a Christian Rehab for Men. But even he says my trauma runs so deep.
    Dominica likes this.
  17. Looking4betterdays

    Looking4betterdays Active Contributor

    Wow they should be celebrating you. Family isn't always blood. You are amazing. I'm glad you're here.
    deanokat likes this.
  18. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Addicts aren't bad people and your husband is a testament to that.We as addicts are sick not evil.One can heal and the other will always be what they are
    deanokat and Looking4betterdays like this.
  19. Looking4betterdays

    Looking4betterdays Active Contributor

    Yes. He always had to make people laugh.We laughed alot. I'm goofy too but he took the cake. Through it all. He treated his daughters like princesses and would pick them up from school spend time w them and was so proud of even the smallest accomplishments they did. My 21yr old said MOM YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE HARD ONE TO PLEASE. DADDY WAS HAPPY EVEN IF A FARTED.HE SAID THAT'S GOOD U CLEARED YOUR SYSTEM.. and his hugs were in the overflow. She is affected the most. She took a break from college.. moved out and got an apartment w her boyfriend. And that was so sad. She would still be here if he was. But I do speak to her and she stops in but never stays.
    True concern likes this.
  20. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I too come from addicts.My parent's are still together almost 50 years however even though my dad lived with us my entire life we didn't have our first conversation until i was 18 year's old as he left for work before i woke for school and was at the bar until me and my brother were asleep.So that's hard and while i was addicted and pretty low i asked him for help and he looked me in the eye's and said "I'm not worried about you,i didn't want kid's im only concerned for your mother you don't matter" That destroyed me so i went on a self destruct mission like never before.I ended up in jail looking at 15 year's in prison and before the judge slammed the gavel a man walked in and said"your honor can we talk privately"I had no clue what was happening and when they both came out this man walked by me and said "I fuc×ing hate you and only did this for your dad"My dad wasn't there so i was so confused and the judge sat down and changed my sentence from 15 year's to 90 day's.I found out through the grapevine my dad spent 50'000 dollar's to help me,even after he said i didn't matter.I still struggle emotionally with this as my fad is dieing slowly from several forms of cancer and he still says i didn't want you and never will say i love you back to me so ya theres that i have never shared with anyone before right now
    deanokat and Looking4betterdays like this.