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I cant stop doing coke and it has got a little out of control

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by ilovemylittlegirl, Jul 15, 2018.

  1. First of all please can I say do not judge, I am so ashamed to say but I really want help with stopping cocaine. Before I had my little girl (who is 9 months now) I used to go out with my partner and we would do it when we were out drinking and that was fine. Over the past two years it has really got out of hand and I find myself relying on it all the time. My partner has stopped doing it and does never crave it like I do. I now find myself sitting at home doing it on my own, yes I now how sad am I and I feel so EMBARRASSED about it! I feel like I am in a terrible hole as I can never say no to it, meaning I will get one after another and wake up the next morning realizing how much I have spent and getting all worried and depressed about it.

    It has got to the point where I would rather sit at home and do 1-3 bags than go out, I am ashamed and really want to stop but I find it so difficult! My partner and I argue so much over it as he hates how much I am doing it and cannot stand to be around me when I am on it- he constantly says just stop doing it what is wrong with you- I wish it was that easy but I am really struggling!

    I have such a beautiful baby girl... why is that not making me want to stop doing it?! I love her to bits and would never put her in risk but why am I being so selfish and not stopping it? My partner always says to me look at her how can you not stop knowing you have such a healthy beautiful baby- why cant I, it makes me feel sick!

    I feel like I am in a hole and I cant get out - I really want to go and get some help but I am so worried they are going to take my little girl away from me... I am terrified of it! I would never ever put her in risk but I just do not know what to do!

    I know I sound very sad and need to get a grip and stop it but I am really finding this all very hard!
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Leave the baby with the Dad and go get help,like rehab. You won't lose your baby that way but you keep doing what your doing and it could manifest itself

    And don't be embarrassed addiction affects Millon's of great people, but there is always hopeo_O;):):)
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  3. Thank you for replying to my post - first time I have opened up about it... when me and my partner talk about it, it always ends up in a massive argument!

    Yes addiction does happen to people but when they have a baby girl? I literally feel disgusting that having her has not made me stop!

    Would I have to go to rehab or is there other ways?
  4. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    Hi @ilovemylittlegirl, and welcome to the forum. I understand that you feel guilty for doing coke, but please try and be kinder to yourself. You are not a bad person/parent and you’re not disgusting! Addiction will try and convince you that what you’re doing is necessary, but some people don’t even have the anxiety and guilt telling them it’s wrong. So even if it’s tough to feel guilty, in my opinion that means that you are more in control than you think! Part of you wants to get clean and is super strong, but the addiction part wants to keep you suffering. I hope you can empower the strong half and learn to control the other half. Personally, I have not been able to completely lose that evil half that tells me I’m worthless, but I have learnt to live with it, ignore it, and even use it to my advantage. If you really can’t manage going to rehab and leaving your baby girl, I hope you can find an NA meeting somewhere close. They even have them online. We are here for you!! Please don’t give up hope.
    deanokat, True concern and Dominica like this.
  5. Thank you for your reply - it is really nice to talk to someone about it as speaking to my partner is hard as we always argue! I just feel so guilty for my little girl... why do i still feel the need to do it when I have her... I must be mad!!!

    If I went to the doctors this week and explained this all would social services get involved... I am worried sick about this!!!

    I really appreciate you being kind about this, I know I sound awful!!
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @ilovemylittlegirl hey there. thanks for reaching out. we don't judge here, so come anytime and feel free to be share honestly.

    first, you adore your daughter to the moon and back..... that's a given... we know this and i hope you can come to KNOW this about yourself. you're not a bad mother or a bad person -

    you have a disease...called addiction, and it's a disease that affects your brain. no, not everyone who does cocaine gets super addicted to it, but your brain may just be wired in such a way that it keeps you going after it hard. it affects the survival part of the brain...and that part thinks it will literally die without another "HIT". you see? you want to say no, but that part of the brain is screaming "more!"

    but there are treatments. your task now is to figure out what types of treatments will work for you...AND to keep trying no matter how many times you relapse....

    there's Narcotics Anonymous meetings in most cities. check them out online and maybe try going to meetings.

    there's rehabs, of course.

    there's addiction specialists too... consider seeing a therapist...

    i don't know about social services. but getting clean is your priority, so trust that as you do, things will work out alright.

    and start educating yourself about addiction... that can help!

    and we are here for you.... we believe in you, won't ever judge you...and will encourage you through the good and challenging!

    hugs!
  7. Thank you so much for your message- I was very worried I would get horrible messages being in the situation I am in and doing what I am doing.

    I just constantly keep asking myself and getting so frustrated as to why I feel the need to do it when I have such a beautiful little girl who needs her strong mum! It makes me so upset and I need to get myself sorted for her.

    I am 23 and have so much I could achieve in life but I am taking the wrong path and that needs to change. I have contacted an organisation this morning so fingers crossed this is a step towards me getting myself sorted.

    Again thank you so much for messaging, I have no one to talk to about this so really am struggling!
    lonewolves, deanokat and True concern like this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    You can share here anytime you need
  9. So first step... i have a telephone consultation with nhs substance abuse line!!

    Fingers crossed this is the start to me being a normal 23 year old who can be the best mummy to my little girl!!

    Thank you everyone x
  10. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @ilovemylittlegirl... Welcome to the community, my dear. I'm sorry you're struggling with cocaine addiction, but I'm incredibly happy that you found us and reached out. And look how much progress you've made in just the 24 hours since you first posted! You are AMAZING!!!

    I want you to know that you don't sound disgusting. Not at all. In fact, you sound like a wonderful mother and human because you know you have a problem and you are looking to get help to overcome it. Addiction is a disease, not some kind of moral failing. You aren't a bad person who needs to learn to be good; you're a sick person who needs to get well. And you're working on that!

    It's great that you have phone consultation set up with the NHS substance abuse line. I hope they can help you get on the recovery path. It might mean inpatient rehab, or an intensive outpatient program. Whatever they recommend, do it. You are so young, with so much life ahead of you. And so much to offer your beautiful daughter. Also, as @Dominica suggested, Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings might be a big help to you. There are also Cocaine Anonymous (CA) meetings. You can find meetings for both groups at these links:

    NA: https://www.na.org/meetingsearch/
    CA: https://ca.org/meetings/

    You may feel like you're in a hole, but you can climb out of it. I know you can. If you are willing to make a commitment to bettering yourself, and willing to do the hard work required to get clean, you can do it. And we will help you however we can every step of the way. We will give you support, advice, or just listen. And we will ALWAYS listen without judgment. You are safe here. And you are not alone. So post whenever you'd like, okay?

    I'm sending you tons of love, light, hope, and encouragement. You can kick cocaine's ass! And your life will be healthier and happier when you do it.

    Go forward, be brave, and keep the faith.
  11. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    This is awesome news!! Good for you!

    Hope you keep coming here. We really do care, and will be here, no matter what ok? Consider us part of your extending friends/family k?
  12. Thank you so much for your support, I literally feel so much better for posting on here... I thought I would get some nasty comments considering the situation I am in.

    I have an assessment at the substance abuse center on Wednesday. I am very nervous but I need to do it and finally sort my life out. If anyone knows what the process is going to be please will you let me know ? Will I have to go to rehab or anything?

    You have made me feel so much better about myself and I really am ready to make a change... cocaine is a horrible thing and cannot believe I am not strong enough to say no myself. I cannot begin to tell you how much money I have spent on it this weekend whilst I have not had Isla.

    thank you so much x

    Will keep you posted x
    lonewolves and deanokat like this.
  13. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    I don't know what the process is for that assessment, @ilovemylittlegirl. Just trust the process and know that there are better things for you on the other side. And it's perfectly okay to be nervous, too. You're embarking on a journey that will bring a big change to your life. It's a change for the better, but it's still a big change. And change is always hard, even if it's good change.

    I'm so glad you found us and decided to share with us. And I'm soooooooo proud of you for taking steps to improve your life. You got this. Let us know how things go on Wednesday.
    Dominica likes this.
  14. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    I’m so thankful that you found this site, and I truly believe that one day you will be an amazing sober coach who is able to help others who are struggling. Your daughter is going to grow up with a great role model, and I’m not just saying that.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  15. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    so proud of you for doing this!!!

    as far as the process, they'll ask a lot of questions...but don't freak out, b/c the questions are just so they can gauge where you are addiction wise and know how to best form a recovery path. remember that they WANT you to "recover"... they are on your side. not so sure they would "send" you to rehab... my understanding would be they are there to "assess" and "recommend".

    super glad you're going and i do believe it will do you well. gives you hope, ya know? that you don't have to keep living this way, that there is treatment, that there are "supports" that can help.

    good for you hun!! you're doing this!
    deanokat and True concern like this.