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I can't stop thinking about this

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by True concern, Jun 22, 2018.

  1. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    So many of you know my story as well as the love i have for my wife,i have been separated for almost 3 year's now and of course my choices and the way i was living have a lot to do with why i'm currently separated.I am to blame for the choices i've made and believe me emotionally i am paying the price,but i spend alot of time now trying to figure out and understand certain thing's that i simply couldn't when i was in self destruct mode but one memory really eats at me and i have been trying to understand it for to long alone and i can feel it breaking me down in my motivation and indeed my drive and focus on recovery so for better or for worse i have type it down and see if anyone else can help me to understand.A week before my wife kicked me out of my home and i actually had almost a month sober at the time my wife came to the room where i was trying to take a nap because well i was recovering from year's of drug abuse and a month prior had decided i was done and i had enough and she wakes me up and said "here is 40 buck's go get you some dope"and I looked at her and asked "why would you say that to me"to which she replied "You are boring now,go get some dope"This conversation went on for about 20 minutes and in the end i said "if that's what you want fine"and i went and got dope.Right as i was just about out of dope she kicked me out for using dope....So anyways i went to my parent's and started to self destruct on an insane level.I was drinking a case of beer and as i would get sleepy i would shot up half a gram of meth and drink some more than as i would start coming down i would throw back 2-4 mg's of xanax and sleep for about 2-3 hour's wake up and shot an 80 of oxycontin and drink some more hour's later more meth followed by more beer followed by more xanax and so on and i would do this for nearly a month at a time with maybe 20-25 hour's sleep the entire month,its at this time i wanted to die and she knew that.I wanted to die because i gave in after nearly a month sober but not only did i give in i lost my entire family when i did and i couldn't understand why.I haven't talked to my wife much in the past 3 week's really not at all.3 week's ago she called me and said she had rats in the house and needed some construction done so i went over and fixed some holes in the dry wall and put in a new custom window in the side of the house and fixed some molding around the garage to help keep the rats out and i came home.Well it's been 3 week's since i did those thing's and i haven't heard from her once.I am havi g a very hard time with this situation now and i can't stop thinking about her telling me to go get dope and then kicking me out because i had got boring.I love my wife and i miss my family and i have tried to talk to her about that incident and every time she get's defensive and says "oh your blaming me for your addiction's"and ends the conversation and i am left wondering why?Why would she use my addiction against me instead of trying to help me?Why will she only talk to me when she needs something and then act like i don't exist?Is this pay back?I don't know but this is tormenting me at this point.I don't know what to do or what to think.I literally lost my entire family and it feels like she did it on purpose because i got "Boring"and I can't fuc×ing stop trying to figure it out.
    lonewolves likes this.
  2. lonewolves

    lonewolves Senior Contributor

    I can see why this has been playing in your mind like a broken record. At the beginning of the story, it seemed like she was doing it to test you in a very toxic way. But to say after it’s because you are boring now? That’s seriously messed up. I’d much rather be a beige wall than be in a body bag. I’m sorry she said such truly evil words to you, but I have never been in her shoes so I can’t judge her for it. Addiction has made me do some questionable things, so it makes sense that those affected by it must also wear down over time. I’m jumping into a doctors appointment right now, but I’ll check-in in a bit!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Not sure I have any intelligent opinion to offer you, @True concern. But I can definitely see why that memory eats at you. Who knows why people say the things they do? Maybe your wife said it in a "moment." Just a thought. I know I've had lots of "moments" over the years where I've said some horrible things to people I love and deeply care about. I'm sorry you can't resolve this in your brain. Or by talking to your wife about it. It's also too bad she shuts you down when you try to talk about it. Have you ever considered asking a therapist about this?
    Dominica likes this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I've thought about it yes.
    deanokat likes this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Indeed those affected by us breakdown over time and i will be the first to admit i have done alot of messed up thing's throughout the year's while intoxicated on various substance's and i totally understand where the desire for some sort of revenge would come into play,is it right?no but it is to be expected and i accept that notion as we are only human so for year's of heartache i caused i expect some sort of revenge from my loved one's but at some point we must move beyond pay back if there is to be a future for us.If there is no hope in reconciliation then at some point the conversation needs to take place.It's very hard for me sober because even i can see how fuc×ed up i was and it makes me mad to know i am such a caring person now when i was such a hateful person in the past.I am in no way similar to the memory many have of me and at the same time i can't outrun the memory i've left behind.I don't know if i would change how i have done thing's in my life simply because i don't know if i would have ever dug deep within my heart and soul to find the person i am today.I don't blame my wife or anyone in my family for feeling the way they do i can only blame myself for giving them a reason to feel that way.I believe the lord has a plan for us all and much of our destiny is pre determined with moment's of critical decisions in between and the decisions we make end up feeling in the part of our destiny that is undecided.If you were to read about the life i've lead every day while actively using without hearing my side of it most would probably conclude i am a bad person,if i read such a story i would probably come to that conclusion myself and i got to tell you so far the hardest part of sobriety for myself beyond the initial detox is trying to make sense of and understand my emotions because i don't feel as hateful as i may appear on paper(so to speak).I thank you all i don't know what or how i would deal with much of my journey with out you guy's.This particular memory has me all messed up right now and i am trying to push forward but this is definitely the next hurrdle in my journey.Thank You All and God Bless Each and Everyone Of You
  6. Cametobelieve0202

    Cametobelieve0202 Community Champion

    Alright so I have a few thoughts on this. First I think your wife could really really really benifet from Alanon. It’s for family and friends of addicts/alcoholics. Not only does it allow those people to come together and share their struggles with being on the outside of an addiction but it can teach them about addiction and how to deal with how it has affected them. Secondly if we look at this situation logically without at bias, who would put up with someone in active addiction for decades (?) unless they didn’t have some issues of their own? Right? Like I’m sure you were like me. A selfish destructive asshole when you were using right? What sane person would stay with us?. (My fiancé did for most of it which is insane to me had it been the other way around idk if I would have stayed) Next, there are bound to be resentments towards us about our addiction. Our addiction has a ripple effect, it rubs off on all the people that are closest to us. She did a terrible thing but as addicts we did terrible things as well more likely ten fold. We have 12 step programs for us to work through our character defects and resentments and amends. I would worry for your relationship with her if she doesn’t work through them as well. Does that make sense? Like your bettering yourself, turning a new leaf, becoming the person you were always meant to be. But she has her **** too. And if she doesn’t “fix” herself, her way of thinking and especially work through her resentments then it’s like two puzzle pieces that don’t fit together anymore. My biggest worry for you is that you will have changed and become this new wonderful person and if you get back together with her and she hasn’t done some work on herself she will bring you down. I don’t mean that to sound harsh if it does. It’s just my concern. Both parties have to change to make this relationship work. NOT JUST YOU :)
    Dominica, lonewolves and deanokat like this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Indeed it all makes sense and i can't disagree with any of it.I know she has issue's,i understand that and she does not.The man she had her 3 kid's with my step kid's dad was very physically abusive to her and my step kid's,i came year's later and became very verbally abusive i never laid a hand on her but i was very shitty the way i would talk to her,and i feel terrible for that i simply didn't understand what i was doing was effecting her as much as it was this is also I'm sure why my oldest step son will have nothing to do with me and he was my best friend but now i can see how he felt,he remembered his birth dad beating his mom i came along and thing's were good then 15 year's later I'm no longer in his life because i verbally abused his mom for so many year's while abusing dope and alcohol...I can see this now,i hurt deeply for it,i am to blame there is no disputing that and i have a burning desire to try and mend my marriage because i love my wife,my kid's,my family and yes i could get over it and move on but i can't live with the knowledge that this wonderful woman gave her life in it's entirety to a man who in the end fixed his self and moved on.She means to much to me and it kills me to know she feels like she has wasted her life on men who abused her and moved on...I Cannot Do That To Her for any reason she has to know i'm sorry and she is the best soul i have ever known.She deserves to be happy and feel loved with me or with someone else but i feel fuc×ing terrible i hurt this wonderful woman and now she feels like she doesn't have enough time left to live a happy life with any man.I have to figure this out for her,she needs to feel good about herself because she is the best human i have ever known
  8. My apology for responding so late,,I HATE that you're emotionally tormented. I know it hurts and is extremely painful. The one question that comes to my mind is did she ever receive treatment or counseling after the physical abuse she endured with her children's bio father? Because that definitely plays a major part in her future relationships. The second question is did u start using before you two started dating? Had she received therapy after the first breakup- she would have a totally different outlook on the type of partner that she would give her time to. Most women move from one relationship eve marriage to the next without taking the time in between to focus on themselves. During that time,, the focus would be or should be on learning themselves better and understanding what they will and won't accept from ANYONE. Without taking that allotted time to really focus on themselves they are susceptible to repeating patterns of dating.if you were a good man, husband, and father in the beginning and started using AFTER a few years of bliss- then by all means she would stick by you while u recover and would definitely embrace your sobriety. But if she knew you were using from the start and yet still married you- she was turning a blind eye and therefore the marriage was set to fail because it wouldn't have been set on a trusting and strong foundation. People marry each other in hopes of CHANGING someone. If a behavior is overlooked BEFORE a commitment, it's usually going to continue throughout the commitment--- UNLESS AND ONLY UNLESS THAT PERSON CHANGES IT. THE damage that was done prior to you coming along wasn't necessarily corrected therefore- her tolerance was definitely like a ticking time bomb. Her feelings were diminishing during your time of "partying" so by the time you were ready to clean up- she was already on her way out(so to speak),,, so she could have cared less if u were to clean up or continue to party. So when she offered you the 40 bucks-not only was she testing your strength and will power..she was also looking for an escape route.so now she reaps the benefit of having you at her mercy-- to do things she needs done, possibly money, etc, without having you fully in her company. Now there is also the hope of reconciliation. The fact that you are separated and not divorced speaks volumes. Aid orcs would have already taken place perhaps a year after the separation. So somewhere there is a definite chance and possibility. Stay strong and stay on your recovering road,, don't steer away. Don't call or make any visits. Continue to work on yourself and heal. In due time-- she will come around. If not-- during your journey you may come to realize that you YOURSELF may not want to reconcile. It's amazing how things turn out in ways we least expect them too.it may be extremely difficult for you to see or understand it right now but please trust and believe that things will work out in your favor. He knows what HE is doing. Just because we may want certain things,, doesn't mean that He has those things in His plan for us. He may bring you guys back together where the marriage is stronger than ever. Stay positive and keep the faith. Trust in Him.it will work out for the good my friend.
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  9. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Wow.She knew i was using when we met
  10. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I met her in a stolen car in a police chase she didn't know me and allowed me to hide in her home until the police were gone and i never left and we got married
  11. lonewolves

    lonewolves Senior Contributor

    Damn, I thought things like that only happened in the movies!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  12. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Ya it's a really unique scenario it always make people think i'm a liar however even though it sounds like made for T.V.it's the truth
    deanokat and lonewolves like this.
  13. lonewolves

    lonewolves Senior Contributor

    Like your overdose survival story with the guy from Sublime’s mom. After I read your blog post today, I’ve been trying to find her for you. Especially now that I know you aren’t the best with technology, and I have a knack for it. One article says that her name is Nancy Watilo, but the only person I can find with that name got the last name from her husband. And I’m assuming that it’s her maiden name because the article mentioned that the father remarried, but it didn’t say anything about her remarrying. So basically I’m on a mission!!
  14. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I went to see my Dr today and spoke honestly,she has referred me to a psychologist so i will see if that helps
  15. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    I'm glad you're going to see a psychologist, @True concern. I think that might really help you. Glad you spoke honestly with your doctor. We can't get the help we need unless we are honest about what we're going through!
    Dominica likes this.
  16. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Her name was Nancy Nowell but she divorced and i believe re married
  17. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @True concern hey there. just reading through this thread...and i'm sorry that all that happened in your marriage. sure, i get how a partner can get resentful or more, but just pointing fingers and not trying to work on things can be frustrating...

    i agree that it's great you're going to a counselor. i think that can be SO HELPFUL! good for you and good for you for getting back on the recovery road... this is where you belong. clean, sober, and helping others despite the ache, despite the hurt, despite the fear or whatever... i'm so glad you're here.

    chances are the relationship has many cracks in the foundation, and honestly, i think it would take professional counseling to really start fixing those cracks. for now, focus on you and let her live her life...

    and know we are here for you!
  18. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Just so everyone knows Josh had all his accounts Hacked which is why we haven't seen him.I talk to him via cellphone and he is creating New screen name and will return shortly
    Dominica likes this.
  19. lonewolves

    lonewolves Senior Contributor

    Oh no! I hope the damage isn’t too serious and it doesn’t take too much time to fix all of it.
  20. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Thanks for letting us know, @True concern. I thought it was something I said. ;)
    Dominica likes this.