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I deprive myself

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by kana_marie, Apr 8, 2015.

  1. kana_marie

    kana_marie Community Champion

    Once I started recovering I realize I was extremely depressed while I was using. I had no idea at the time, though. Now that I am clean, I want to pay attention so that if it happens again I can handle it- nip it in the bud.

    What I realized recently was that I am depriving myself of a lot lot of good, clean, fun. It feels like I'm worried that if I have too good of a time I might let my guard down and relapse. I also worry that if I'm happy people will believe I'm not remorseful. It's almost like I don't trust myself to have a good time, and I don't feel like I deserve it after everything I did.

    I need to find that balance. I need to learn to trust myself enough to be able to relax and have fun without relapsing.

    I understand life will never be like it was before. I've lost a lot I'll never get back. There will lways be reprucussions i have to face. But I don't want to punish myself all the time either.
    kjonesm1 likes this.
  2. Zyni

    Zyni Community Champion

    Absolutely. It's important not to punish yourself forever for past "sins." You have to forgive yourself and live your life. You do deserve to enjoy your life. Everyone has made mistakes in life and done things they aren't proud of. Everyone. I'm sure you think that other people deserve to enjoy life despite their mistakes, so why not you too?

    When it comes to not trusting yourself when you're out having fun, that's a balance you'll have to find. You deserve good, clean, fun. You need it. It's part of being healthy.
  3. kana_marie

    kana_marie Community Champion

    Finding that balance is one of the hardest aspects to my recovery. I do think I deserve to be happy. But the remorse is such an important key to not falling back into the old habits. I guess maybe I think about how miserable I made other people and is important that they know I ally do feel bad about it. Thank you for saying that!
  4. kjonesm1

    kjonesm1 Community Champion

    There are tons of healthy ways to have fun. Pick up a new hobby. Sewing, hiking, cooking, fishing , volunteer work and a sport are just a few healthy things you can do to keep you productive. You deserve to be happy and don't need to feel like you deserve to be punished. Your sobriety should be celebrated and not frowned upon. Good luck!
  5. kana_marie

    kana_marie Community Champion

    I really like that. I guess I haven't really given myself the opportunity to celebrate it. I am not the expert by any means, but I think I missed out on a very important step. I didnt to to rehab or use the 12 step program. I apologized to a select few people, but never actually made amends. I never thought about it until just now. That's what I love about this site. I don't believe an addict is ever done recovering. When something bothers me i can talk a out it on here and work it out. Apologizing is good, but very different from making amends.
    Zyni and kjonesm1 like this.
  6. kjonesm1

    kjonesm1 Community Champion

    Absolutely! If you haven't had any closure with those you have hurt I can understand the guilt you feel, but in healing (or moving on) from those relationships you will find it will help to heal your own heart. You should be proud that you have gotten over those past regressions, and be ready for the future. Deprivation is not a good thing to look forward to and to move on you need to have something motivating you. Find your motivation and find yourself.
    kana_marie likes this.
  7. imperivm1

    imperivm1 Community Champion

    There's always a middle ground. You shouldn't deprive yourself completely of one thing just to avoid another. Perhaps you could party all night long drinking just a few glasses of alcohol. Or you could indulge yourself a bit more but call it quits earlier on during the night. You just need to strike the right balance.
  8. AFKATafcar

    AFKATafcar Community Champion

    You're right, but things can always get better in the future whether you have what you've lost or not. Finding that middle ground between enjoyment and letting go without relapsing can be difficult, but it's not impossible to find and conquer. You'll get better at "it" as time goes on, and things will become easier in the recovery process.
  9. TommyVercetti

    TommyVercetti Community Champion

    Coming from recovery and depression, we often have low self-esteem and we tend not to trust ourselves with our own judgement, in case we slip up again. It's very understandable and quite common. Once you've realized that you have taken the right steps, your self-esteem will come back.
    Zyni likes this.
  10. Nick W.

    Nick W. Community Listener Community Listener

    I think that the first step is to learn your own limitations and expectations. Once you do this you can venture forward and see what specifically works for you. Self-esteem is not something that goes away over night, and it's not something that comes back right away either. You need to build upon little triumphs and successes in order to build your self-esteem back up. Try setting small goals and accomplishing minor achievements and work your way towards bigger things.
    Zyni likes this.
  11. kana_marie

    kana_marie Community Champion

    Everyone one of are right. I knew y'all would be able to tell me. Sometimes it's really hard to look at these things objectively and tell yourself what you need to hear- good or bad. Thank y'all!
  12. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    I love the way you're having a positive outlook now about life after your dreadful battle with addiction and depression. That's absolutely great to hear! ;):) Yes, life may not be the way it used to be before, but hey, you can start a new one, a new adventure. Best of luck!
  13. Zyni

    Zyni Community Champion

    I can sense your remorse, just over the computer, so I bet the people in your life can definitely see it up close and personal. It's good to take accountability for your actions, but that's another balance... not beating yourself up for the rest of your life for the past.

    It sounds like you are working very hard to be your best self. I'm happy for you that you are changing your life. Just remember to give yourself credit for the good things too. :)
    kana_marie likes this.
  14. amethyst

    amethyst Community Champion

    You might have lost a lot of things that you can't get back, but on the other hand you gained so many new insights that will lead to new "things" that forever open new doors. Think only about this present moment, and all the things that you have right now, and see how far you've come...
    kana_marie likes this.
  15. kana_marie

    kana_marie Community Champion

    I just want to thank y'all. I have the hardest time seeing the forest for the trees sometimes. It's nice when someone reminds you that it's there. And believe me, I have missed the forest for a long time now!0
  16. May102014

    May102014 Active Contributor

    Find another indulgence that is not harmful to prevent relapse. Also, yoga helps to go through this stage. Things will not be normal for sometime but will dedication and persistence it will happen. Also family support is key to overcome relapse.
  17. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    You don't have to do drugs to be able to have fun. Just engaging in a sport or hobby that you really like can divert your mind from taking any drugs. Don't think that there is a risk of you relapsing when you try to have fun. A lot of people who have never touched drugs are able to have fun without it, so you have to think positive and eventually you will be permanently weaned from your addiction.
    Zyni likes this.
  18. Nick W.

    Nick W. Community Listener Community Listener

    Remember, post-addiction, we are not talking about what's "normal". We're talking about the "new normal". What was normal prior to addiction may have been a catalyst towards usage. Instead, focus on what life is providing now, what path you're currently on, and how that path can be optimized to suit your current wants & needs.
  19. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    It's good that you're now thinking more clearly. Most people really do have some problems prior to substance abuse because it's what causes them to do so in the first place whether they realize it or not. At least you got to gain a better perspective before it was too late, and I think it's good that you are recognizing that it is more of a psychological problem rather than a substance oriented one at the core.
  20. oraclemay

    oraclemay Community Champion

    Trust me your life is going to be a lot fuller and happier! It will just take a little time. Don't rush into anything, take one step at a time. It is a good idea to avoid the same old hangouts. Try something new, where you can meet new friends. Take up a new hobby or start a small business. Get creative. Set some goals.