Once I started recovering I realize I was extremely depressed while I was using. I had no idea at the time, though. Now that I am clean, I want to pay attention so that if it happens again I can handle it- nip it in the bud. What I realized recently was that I am depriving myself of a lot lot of good, clean, fun. It feels like I'm worried that if I have too good of a time I might let my guard down and relapse. I also worry that if I'm happy people will believe I'm not remorseful. It's almost like I don't trust myself to have a good time, and I don't feel like I deserve it after everything I did. I need to find that balance. I need to learn to trust myself enough to be able to relax and have fun without relapsing. I understand life will never be like it was before. I've lost a lot I'll never get back. There will lways be reprucussions i have to face. But I don't want to punish myself all the time either.