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I didn't know what else to do...

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by Nessa, Feb 24, 2019.

  1. Nessa

    Nessa Member

    My daughter has been using heroin and meth for years. She is 30. On parole and pregnant.
    I found out she is still using and have had it. I called her po
    Her PO just messaged me back and said she knows what's going on. She is giving her a chance to go to a halfway house. Dont know if that will even work.
    I attend meetings and they help somewhat but I'm just not getting it. We fight all the time.
    This is just what's on my mind right now. I'm sure you all know the detail of the rest of the story.
    Thank you for listening.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Hello and welcome. Thank you for reaching out. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this and that your daughter is struggling so much with addiction. I imagine it weighs very heavy on your heart and I'm sure you're very tired. I'm glad to hear that you do go to meetings, as I do believe that that support system can help you not go crazy among all of this. Does your daughter live with you?

    I really hope that she will make some Positive Choices for her life and her parole officer maybe can help her come to that decision. Feel free to come here and share anytime. Some of us understand a little bit of what you're going through, as we've had loved ones struggle with addiction.

    Try to remain focused on you... self-care. I know it can be incredibly challenging b/c your heart can be so heavy for her... but you are important... your health and sanity. :)

    We're here anytime for you
    deanokat likes this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, @Nessa. As the father of a 29-year-old son who has struggled on and off with addiction for 13 years or so, I can relate to much of what you're feeling. Although, I will admit that the fact that your daughter is pregnant probably adds to your worries exponentially.

    For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing by contacting your daughter's parole officer. I know that probably wasn't an easy thing to do, but maybe it will lead to your daughter getting the help she needs. And maybe it will give that baby a chance, too.

    I'm glad to hear that you're going to meetings. Please keep doing that. It's a good way to practice self-care, which is so important for you at this point. Remember: You didn't cause your daughter's addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. So please take good care of YOU, because you are the only person you CAN control. Plus, you do not want to become addicted to your daughter's addiction; when that happens, the disease will likely take you both down.

    There are some terrific books out there that could help you. Here's the link to a blog that talks about 6 of my favorites:

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One

    Stay strong, my friend. And know that you are not alone. We are here to help, support, and listen...anytime.

    Sending you lots of love, light, and hope. And praying for you and your daughter, too.
  4. Nessa

    Nessa Member

    Thank you so very much. And yes at the beginning I became addicted to learning everything I could about addiction and about her choices and enabling as much as i could. I feel so guilty as not to have been there for her when she needed me.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Nessa don't beat yourself up... guilt can eat one alive... so i hope you can let that go. you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. that's what they teach at al-anon and you probably know that already.

    you're taking care of you...and that IS being there for her. i pray she can get the help she needs.... and really begin to work a recovery program.
    deanokat likes this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    None of it is your fault, @Nessa. I understand the feeling guilty thing. But you have to go easy on yourself and, like @Dominica said, let it go. Take care of yourself. That should always be your top priority. It's like they tell you before you take off on a plane: You have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help others. If you don't, everyone will suffer.

    We're here for you. Anytime you need us.
    Dominica likes this.
  7. Nessa

    Nessa Member

    Thank you all so much. The things I know are ridiculous because I know them and dont practice them. she face booked me today saying she can't call her job or see what time it is or what day because I broke her phone. Which I did. But can you believe she actually asked me to call her job for her and try to save it? Good God please help her.
    deanokat likes this.
  8. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Nessa having a child who struggles with addiction is gut-wrenching hard at times... there's no denying that. learning how to take care of you and not let it completely destroy your life.... that's a process and a journey. doesn't seem fair... i understand. we want THE BEST for our children!!! but...still... here we all are and we might not ever have the answers (why???) but we can choose to do our best at living OUR life and trying to find peace and joy amidst the struggle.

    boundaries.... boundaries... and more boundaries. self-care, self-love.... all things to keep in the forefront of the mind...

    and yes, we are always here...

    and yes, God, please help her.
    deanokat likes this.
  9. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Nessa... Have you read the book Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change? I really think it's the best book out there for people in our situation. It's written specifically for parents and partners of people who struggle with addiction and it's full of helpful information. I highly recommend it. You can access a PDF version of the book at this link:

    There's also a companion workbook called the 20 Minute Guide, which you can access here:

    Trust me: They're both great resources.

    We are here for you, my dear. Don't hesitate us to use us however you see fit.