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I hate you, addiction.

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by lonewolves, Jun 13, 2018.

  1. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    This week has been a whirlwind of emotion for me. I relapsed this February with coke, but it’s been 2 weeks or so since I’ve been clean from it again. I’m also hoping to make the transition back from smoking weed to vaping it. In all the stress I asked my mom for a benzo, and she brought me over 8 of them. I know she wants to help me, but I honestly feel like she forgets that I’m an addict. I don’t even have to beg her for them, sometimes she just offers them to me without me even asking. Other than cigarettes, I don’t think my mom has ever been addicted to anything, so maybe she just doesn’t understand. She rarely uses her benzos, as they are just a back up for her bipolar, so I know she always has some, and lots.

    So yeah, basically I’m having a tough week, and since I’ve been on medical leave from work for a couple of months, I’m just sitting in my small house all day by myself with a big bag of weed, my boyfriend’s coke easily assessable, and a few benzos (that are disappearing quicker than I’d like).

    I feel like I’m constantly screaming in the inside.

    Pray I make it through the day without putting myself into another self induced drug coma.
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Ok so step away from the benzo's you already know where this is headed or you wouldn't have finished your post the way you did.Addiction is a son of a bit×h and all it want's is everything you've got.I understand what you're going through i really do,i'm having a difficult time myself just with taking my prescription for my knee so i can walk.It really sucks to go through everything i have to get sober to finally be free of it to all of a sudden actually needing it to walk...It really pisses me off and being an addict fighting the addiction trapped by a substance that allows me to walk i can't even describe how that feels.How many benzo's have you taken today and how many mg's?We are all here to help one another and none of us are perfect,we're addicts and we obviously don't have the ability for recreational drug use or we wouldn't be here.I'm proud of you and I thank you for sharing with us that shows two thing's.1-your struggling.2-You want help to better your life and without acknowledging it you can't beat it so your on the right track.Be very careful because benzo's at a certain point intercept common sense and before you realize it you have done something your not even aware of.Talk with us.What's going on?How long have you been fighting cocaine?Do you think you can beat addiction living in a home with such easy access?Are you sad?What has you worked up besides the struggle with addiction?I ask because it always helps me to put it all out there,the more i carry with me the closer i am to giving up.You are not alone and you don't have to do this alone,you are worth more than addiction has to offer.
  3. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I to am always screaming on the inside and i put it all in words on this site,it does help
    lonewolves likes this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @lonewolves... I echo what @True concern said. And what your mom is doing is not helping you; it's enabling you. If you really want to find recovery, tell your mom not to give you anything. Ever.

    I'm sorry that you're struggling this week. Maybe try to get outside and go for a walk or a bike ride or something. Soak up some sunshine and breathe some fresh air. Anything to get out of your head for a bit, ya know?

    Sending you positive energy. We're here for you.
    True concern and lonewolves like this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    How are you?I hope thing's got a bit better from earlier.
    deanokat likes this.
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @lonewolves i'm sorry you are struggling... i agree with dean that your mom in enabling you, and it's up to you to tell her NOT to bring you pills..... i def hope your day has gotten better... i understand screaming on the inside... been there...but know that you're not alone...

    here if you need.
    lonewolves and deanokat like this.
  7. Cametobelieve0202

    Cametobelieve0202 Community Champion

    Hey girl,
    Yeah addiction is such a crazy thing and it really does **** with your head. So it sounds like you think you have a problem with some drugs but not others? If only it worked that way. I mean you can do this dance if you want. Try to stay clean from coke while still using pot and benzos but it’s not going to go how you plan. Eventually you’ll come to the conclusion that we as addicts can’t use ANY drugs (including alcohol) if we want to have a good life. So I’m recovery they tell you to “play the take through to the end”, deep down I’m sure you know you can’t quit one drug without quitting the rest. I’ll give you an example of one of my tapes (alcohol was what I was addicted to, didn’t try many drugs and didn’t care much for pot) So a little voice in my head will tell me, “you know maybe you could start smoking pot, you never really had a problem with weed, so why do you have to be completely sober? You’ve been sober for years, don’t you deserve to get a little high, I mean it’s not like your relapsing on alcohol.” So I’ve been sober a while so I can catch those thoughts right away. I know that’s SLICK (my addiction) talking to me, trying to get me to go back...trying to kill me. So I “play the tape through” first I’ll start smoking weed, then I’ll realize I still dislike the high and would much rather have alcohol, so I figure since I’ve aready technically relapsed I might as well start drinking again. They say your addiction picks up right where it left off, so sooner rather than later I’ll be back to a liter of vodka a day just to maintain, withdrawals will be inevitable so I’ll start drinking while I work, someone will find out or smell it on me and I’ll be fired. I’ll probably drive my car while in a blackout and get arrested or worse. That will be my 3rd OWI so now I’m a felon. That’s one of my tapes, and it’s utterly on point as to how my future will go if I start thinking I can use any kind of drugs or alcohol.

  8. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    Thanks for taking the time to share! I totally agree with you that I have a problem with all drugs, mentally and physically. I can’t even have half a cup of coffee without a day or two of migraine “withdrawal”. It’s been almost 4 years since I had a sip of alcohol, and it was 4 years without cocaine as well. But, just like you said, I was like “well it’s been 4 years and I never really had a problem with coke, so it should be fine to reward myself with one night of it”. That one night turned into a few months and here I am again.

    I know that my SLICK is trying to sabotage my life, but I have serious self hatred issues and I almost wish it would. But maybe that’s just my addiction talking.
  9. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    Hey @True concern ,
    Sorry for the late reply. My brain gets harder and harder to control as the day goes on. I’m on a generic Concerta for my ADHD, but I don’t think it’s working. I used to be on the brand name and it worked wonders for me, but they put me on generic and now my head feels like a beehive. (I’m working on getting a special authority from the government to make the brand name free like the generic, yay Canada!). Anyways, The Clonazepam my mom has is 0.5mg I believe. Yesterday I was able to only take half of one. The day before, I actually don’t remember. Maybe 1 and a half? Maybe 2 or 2 and a half? My numbers didn’t add up probably when I counted them the next day. So maybe she gave me 7 pills instead of 8, but more likely I just took them.
    When I think about my addictions, I think of alcohol, weed, and coke. I totally forgot I had some serious issues with Xanax last year or the year before? There are big gaps in my memory from it, and it caused some serious issues in my relationship because we bought a large quantity that was supposed to last the both of us for a year. And selfishly I did 3/4 of it in a couple of weeks. Convincing myself it was okay because my tolerance for all drugs is WAY higher than my boyfriends.
    As to what has me worked up, I’ve been on sick leave from my full time job for wrist pain since the beginning of April and the anxiety of stressing out my boss and coworkers by not being there has taken a toll on me. Like, it’s a freakin’ grocery store. They will get over it. But still..
    I have also been going through muliple tests for MS, and have to drive 8 hours to the closest MS clinic for even more tests soon. Also I don’t drive because of my anxiety and ADHD.

    And am I sad, you ask?
    I have been sad since depression and anxiety hit me at 8 years old. I don’t know much else.
  10. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    A little siren goes off in me every single time I have thought about your post since you posted it. Tell her not to give me more, ever? That sounds like a job for Superman, haha. It would be such a good idea, if my addiction didn’t trigger my anxiety and lift me out of my body every time I thought about it. I don’t think those words could ever leave my mouth. When I quit cigarettes I told my boyfriend to never give me another one again, but I still knew that I could go to the store if I REALLY wanted to. Since I moved across the country to the middle of freakin nowhere, my options for illegal substances are pretty much zero. My boyfriend knows the connection for coke, and someone he knew sent us the large amount of Xanax in the mail last year. Our town only has 200 people and we are a 4 hour drive to the nearest city, so my addiction has to be suuuuper hidden here. If I cut off my connection to my mom that will make it extremely hard for me to get any relief when I need it (to hide my benzo addiction from the doctor, I only get 30 pills from them a couple of times a year to make it look like it lasts a long time). Basically my addiction brain wrote this whole post so I hope it makes sense haha. But really it just goes to show how badly I should be cutting myself off from my mom (pill wise). She just moved across the country for the summer to be close to me, I don’t want to ruin it.
    deanokat likes this.
  11. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    No need to apologize,i sympathize with you and I can say in confidence that I truly understand how you feel as i to have A.D.H.D. and i was medicated young 6 year's old with Ritalin.So a word of caution any upper cocaine,Meth,etc has a different effect on us considering we have A.D.H.D. and when we take it it takes over as it is exactly the same as our medication only stronger in your case because it's cocaine so i'm sure at some point you have noticed the similarity,and i to have bouts of depression and it comes out of no where and i was on a major self destruct kick for most of my life and i will be honest with you what i learned from 20+ year's of trying to make sense of why this is what i came up with.So because of the medication you have ups and downs and over time this wears on us physically and mentally and in my experience it delivers depression often and rapidly(highs-lows) so i personally no longer take any meds for my A.D.H.D and i don't touch Meth because after 35 years i finally caught it was the fuel for my depression and self here hatred, that's why now i run at random hour's because the A.D.H.D. harasses me so that's what i do i exhaust myself and honestly it helps because even exhausted the A.D.H.D. keeps me going through the day with the energy i have left.Now that i don't take meds for A.D.H.D. and no more meth i have way less depression but now I struggle with anger,however the anger i now have is honestly it pisses me off i wasted so many year's trying to figure out why i had to be depressed and other thing's as i didn't have a choice when i was medicated but i guess it is different for everyone because you said the meds help you so basically i'm telling you these thing's because no body told me so i don't know maybe something in there may be helpful to you,maybe not but i wanted to at least tell you how it affected me just incase you have been trying to figure out any of the same thing's i was.Stay Strong and God Bless
    lonewolves and deanokat like this.
  12. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You are in a tough situation i am really happy you found this site,i am really happy i found this site.That little siren you mentioned can be annoying,or at least it is for myself,i mean who runs 4 miles at 2 a.m. lol however i am learning to cope better than ever before and i can't thank the people on this site enough.Without this site i would be stuck in my head and i remember a friend told me once (don't leave me alone with my thoughts) and at the time we laughed but now i think i understand what he was saying.I literally use this site for everything.Reading the stories on here makes me feel like i'm not alone and even that makes me feel selfish at time's because i don't want anyone to struggle the way i do or have and i think that's why or how i care so much when i read the stories on here,sometimes as i read it's like i can envision and at times really feel the pain and struggle someone else is going through.I'm not perfect and i feel bad about many things i've done in my life so i try to be there for support as much as possible,i honestly didn't know i cared so much for anything or anyone while i was in self hate mode and now i spend my time running or trying to release my emotions and that's odd to me at times because i don't have that much sober time but i have so many emotions i blocked most of my life through substance abuse and at times-often they overwhelm me because i don't remember having them before but i thank God I have the chance to feel the way i was intended to versus hiding behind some substance.I don't know what else to do at this point i just take it one day at a time which as you know is very difficult with A.D.H.D. as my mind is always trying to plan for everything some time's day's even year's in advance.Anyways i feel im rambling Take Care
    lonewolves and deanokat like this.
  13. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    I'd like to reply to that I too play my tapes through to the end and that's what keeps me from relapsing most of the time. However I have never heard it put that way " play the tape through to the end", I like that.
    After pleading first time offender for a felony charge I got and doing 6 months out of a year in county prison I can tell you that having a felony on my record is something I am going to avoid.
    I don't have another $15000 to spare to keep me from being a felon.
    To think 25 dollars worth of xanax, and a liter of vodka, cost me 6months locked up, and $15000 in lawyer fees ahhhh!!! I think the lawyer knew to the penny how much I had in savings!
    Anyway play the tape through yeah, I like that.
    deanokat and lonewolves like this.
  14. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    I’m so happy that’s behind you now. That sounds terrible! I once stole a 10$ bowtie from a store (honestly I never even steal) and got caught (probably why I got caught lol). The fine was 600$, and I thought THAT was bad. Nothing in comparison!
    deanokat likes this.