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I have hope again

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by shenanigans1990, Mar 14, 2016.

  1. Addiction was my choice, the lifestyle came with it, and my choices from then on supported my addiction.

    I used to be an extremely, almost annoyingly outgoing and bubbly, happy person. I got along with people easily, I was sweet, selfless, considerate, giving and I never expected anything in return. I worked as a home health aid for the elderly for 5 happy years. I had so much fun learning, being there for people who needed help, and always giving quality care as willingly as you could imagine. I paid my own bills, made choices that supported and was in favor of continuing a successful and simple life. I was love by a lot of people, hated by only one or two. I loved myself enough to do the right thing for me, even if it meant having to sacrifice in another part of my life.

    I ended up leaving my boyfriend of two years because I got bored I guess? A week later I met someone from an online dating app who happily and ruthlessly, intentionally tore me apart bit by bit. Built me up just to tear me back down to nothing. He made me believe he found me beautiful, but the next minute couldn't stop expressing to me how ugly I am, in every way. I lost my identity through him. I, in desperation and brokenness made several attempts to get back with my ex. He started falling back in love with his ex, was talking about moving to a different state with her...and all the while I could feel any hope I had spill out onto the floor in front of me.

    I chose to stay with my abuser. I got hooked on the swing life style (so not me, i'm a strict monogamous person) to make him happy. He introduced me to Meth a month after knowing each other. I was hooked with a tight grip to the drug the first time I smoked it. I lost my job, I lost my identity, I lost my hope. I became incredibly selfish, violent and angry, resentful and unforgiving (mostly to myself instead of others) and I became, over time, anxious, depressed which then lead to isolation for a while.

    I wanted help, I knew that after losing my job and myself that I needed help. Change for the better MUST happen soon. But, I didn't hit rock bottom yet, there wasn't enough desire, motivation or drive to stay clean for a long period of time. I went to the same rehab 3 hours away twice, and I did a 90 day program at a nearby sober living/intensive therapy and rehab facility. Before the most recent rehab, I was the victim. Total pity party mind set, no doubt. I felt entitled to empathy, compassion, expecting anything to be willingly and freely handed over to me without having to work my ass off for it.

    I discovered that I wasn't a victim in my self created hell I was living in. Yes, I wasn't treated like I deserved nor was my body, mind, and spirit treated with dignity and respect. But, I also wasn't doing anything in my life or treating people that gave anyone any reason to treat me any better. I had my car stolen from me, my purse and birth certificate stolen, and over time, after maintaining sobriety and finally hitting rock bottom, I accept the truth that I caused most of what has happened to me.

    My rock bottom was seeing a woman who didn't even look human, thin as a rail, part of the skin on the right side of her face was a result from continuous picking and deterioration from years and years of drug use. She was sitting on a sidewalk rocking back and forth, talking to herself, paranoid, and in a different world. She asked me to help her, that she doesn't know what to do.
    My heart ached for her, because I, in a very small sense, related to how she felt. But knowing there was nothing I, or anyone could do for her, because she didn't even have hope for herself, opened my eyes to the reality of what I could possibly become if I don't start loving myself enough to live a better life, become a person that people WANT to get along with.

    I don't feel sorry for anything I have endured or suffered through. My high power that I believe in puts certain obstacles in my life for a reason, and I have learned over time to not question why, what if, how, who? I have a lot of work to do to get a job again, get another car, and to be a better person.

    I personally believe, as a reward to maintaining sobriety, my boyfriend that I left chose to be with me, all in, for the long haul and I excitedly said yes. Life is full of surprises, and moral to the story, never say never.

    I am happy, I choose happiness. I don't welcome sympathy or compassion for the life I chose because I'm a lot stronger, smarter, wiser, and more compassionate and selfless than I have ever been in my life. Sobriety is worth the hard work, my love and my life and my family is worth the fight.


    a new and improved happy woman
    Mara, Zyni and MrsJones like this.
  2. P.S. my boyfriend and I are doing great. we are moving across the country to be closer to his family and to build a brand new life together. I am so, so blessed to be given this amazing opportunity.
    Mara and MrsJones like this.
  3. Nancy D.

    Nancy D. Senior Contributor

    Hope is all we need to come out of the darkness. I feel like if we get it in our minds that we are strong and can do whatever we set our minds to then the sky is the limit. Put your best foot forward and keep your mind engaged in learning new things about life or even take up a hobby. Stay occupied and focused on your goal.
    shenanigans1990 likes this.
  4. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I am so happy that you were able to accept responsibility for your life and to finally get clean. That is a huge accomplishment. All the best to you and you continue on your journey of being clean.
    MrsJones and shenanigans1990 like this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @shenanigans1990... Welcome to the community and thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I'm so happy to hear that you have found your way to recovery. No matter what we've done in the past, we can always find our way to the other side. And it's well worth the hard work it takes to get there. Please know that your story will help inspire others to find their way. Keep doing the next right thing and be grateful for every day, my friend. We're glad you're here!
    MrsJones likes this.
  6. philthegoat

    philthegoat Active Contributor

    @shenanigans1990 I'm so glad to hear that everything worked out for you and your boyfriend in the end. You have done a great job on taking control of yourself. You have shown that you are not one to give up and I wish you well in your journey through life. Have a splendid day.
  7. TheWife

    TheWife Member

    I'm so happy that you have found a new path in your life, Your road has been a long one. Stay strong and take each day as it comes and feel proud of yourself for what you have achieved so far. It is not and never will be easy for you but I sincerely hope you find your happiness. Thankyou for sharing your story.
  8. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    @shenanigans1990 welcome and thank you for such an inspiring journey experience.
  9. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    Hello @shenanigans1990 and welcome to this forum! You had a very inspiring story and I am glad that after the storm that you had been through into your life there's a rainbow that gives color and new meaning into your life. It only shows that we should never lose hope in our life and time can only tell when is the right time that is why we should never give up if we are struggling from something into our life. I am glad that you had find your happiness again with your boyfriend and good luck on your new journey in life together with him.
    deanokat likes this.
  10. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    I see the word hope and I am inspired before I read the entire story. I am truly happy for you and wish you nothing but success going forward. A hearty welcome to the forum @shenanigans1990. We are happy to have you join us.
    Zyni and deanokat like this.
  11. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    It is always good to know a happy ending real life story. :)
    You are right that those things that happened were trials in life that you have succeeded and made you a stronger person. Right too that if you like changes in your life, you should do that and make it happen.
  12. lexinonomous

    lexinonomous Community Champion

    Wow, this story honestly brought tears to my eyes. It makes me so happy to read inspiring stories like yours. This had such a wonderful and happy ending. I feel like this would be able to give a few people hope in knowing that their journey to escaping addiction can be worth it in the end. Congratulations on your happy life. :)
    deanokat likes this.
  13. darkrebelchild

    darkrebelchild Community Champion

    You sure are a lucky woman @shenanigans1990 . You have tasted both the light and dark, sweet and bitter sides of life. What more can one say, you deserve a trophy for being there, not looking back but learning your lessons the hard way. I indeed admire you and wish you the best in all your relationships.
  14. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    Thanks for sharing, but I have a question... the boyfriend you are moving with... is he the boyfriend you left out of boredom or the awful man who introduced you to meth? Or is it a totally new boyfriend? Anyways, kudos to you for choosing sobriety, I feel so bad for that woman you told us about... it's so sad. Drugs are awful... I think of it as a Russian roulette, because once you start you don't know if you will ever get away from it or end up dead as a result of getting into it.
  15. achexx84

    achexx84 Active Contributor

    Wow, what an emotional story you have. It's always a beautiful thing to see someone pull themselves back up and come out on top again. I'm so happy to hear that everything worked out with you and your boyfriend and that you both are living a happy, healthy, lifestyle. You should be so proud of what you've overcome; drugs, abusive ex, etc. Good for you for finding your own happiness again.
    deanokat likes this.
  16. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    Wow, amazing story Shennagin. I hope that your life will be happy and good again. Thanks for sharing, and for letting people know that you can come back from the brink. We never really know in what direction life will take us, and it seems yours took you down a dark road, and brought you back again. Peace and Love!
    deanokat likes this.
  17. Zyni

    Zyni Community Champion

    Welcome! Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I love happy endings. I'm happy and excited for you, and I wish you the best as you start your new life. Stay strong, continue choosing to be happy. God bless.
    deanokat likes this.
  18. ZXD22

    ZXD22 Senior Contributor

    Welcome to the forums and I am so happy for you as your life will be very well for you since you took the right path! Thanks for letting us know more about you and may God bless you and your family!
  19. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    I commented about this post before but it's as fresh as when I first saw it and again I am inspired just seeing the word hope. Being happy for you makes me happy myself.
  20. Mara

    Mara Community Champion

    I'm glad that you're okay now and doing great. I firmly believe that the awful things that happen in our life serve a purpose. You've learned a valuable lesson. And in your battle with addiction, you've become a stronger person.

    I wish you all the best!