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I just don't know what to do anymore.

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by Brandon N. Smart, Feb 1, 2020.

  1. I've never done anything like this before but I figured I'd give it a shot. My name is Brandon. I have been an intravenous methamphetamine user for almost 5 years now. Up until recently I had never gone more than 3 days without shooting up. I do not share needles nor have I ever been charged with a crime! I've never sold drugs and never intend to. I just simply get my sack and go home. However about 6 months ago, everything fell apart. I lost my house, car and my children all in less than a month! I have been homeless the last 6 months. I dont know how to be homeless. I've never been in this situation before. I just found out the mother to my children is also on drugs and cannot adequately care for my 2 boys, so I have to get clean to fight for custody. So , I was able to go 7 weeks and 3 days by myself, clean! It was something I never thought I could ever accomplish. But I have relapsed! I can't believe it. I am so ashamed and upset with myself. I can't take seeing the sadness in my moms eyes again, so I have not told her. The thing is, is that I'm so tired. I'm so tired of fighting this addiction just to fail. I am so tired of seeing the disappointed looks in my brothers and moms eyes. I have been to numerous rehab facilities. None of them worked! I just don't know if I can start over from day 1 again! I dont know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated and taken to heart! I have no one to talk to about this. Thank you to anyone who is willing to help.
  2. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    dont startover with day one then. in fact i never really got into counting days personally. i just know im somewhere coming up on 3 years. i havent relapsed on Heroin (mydrug of choice) but i have used coke and stiff, i really dont remember. im not beating myself up over it. Im an IV. user as well, one of my biggest addictions is the needle itself. just loading and seeing that blossom gets my sweating. i understand its a hard thing to beat.
    you know, i stuck with my screen name which states that im still clean because i am. how long, i guess that i would have been having to keep up with days to know. i do know i got clean, i have used, and more than once. but im still clean. today im clean. We both know using is going to eventually stop any chance of you getting your family back. think about that everytie you want to use. i know my son is the only reason i havent used opiods. i know as soon as i do i will loose him. think about getting your kids back. and just my opinion, counting days is stressful and makes you always -daily have to remember the drug- have a weight on your shoulder afraid you might use and tired of trying to be clean. just live life without counting the days. made it easier for me.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    "I just don't know what to do anymore"I believe you do know what to do!I struggled with meth for longer than I care to admit and I also lost the same things only over a completely different timeline,you said you don't know how to be homeless but did it for 6 month's and in that time I imagine you learned how to be self efficient and you prove it by getting clean for over 7 week's which is a huge accomplishment worthy of praise so congratulations on that,shortly after your 7 week span of sobriety you had a relapse. My question is during your relapse did you finish the bag and go get another or finish your bag and reach out for help?You have children which changes thing's greatly, considering the children you must get this figured out quick,especially since the mother is now using. @Brandon N. Smart I believe in you,believe in yourself!The children need a sober parent,preferably both but atleast one.You said you can't tell anyone about the relapse because you can't stand to see the hurt in your mom's eyes and I get that now try to picture telling your children and try picturing the hurt in their eye's!I'm not trying to make you sad but you need to figure out how to get sober and exactly where your priorities lay,I'm not questioning your love for your children but it needs to be the look on their face that drives you....In my opinion. It is a fact,A person will only stop using when THEY are ready,they will never do it for another person and if they do it will slowly fall apart again.I imagine you have been staying with your mom as it was the look in her eye's that you had a problem with and I'm not judging in fact I think it's great your mom is willing to help while you piece your life back together, but it has to be looked at as an opportunity to rebuild not to just hang out and get loaded.You obviously have the right things on your mind as you mentioned the children and your mom and your 7 weeks sober before a relapse...You can't allow shame and sadness to consume you after a relapse or you will get stuck using daily again,it happened now forgive yourself and move on.If your a religious man pray about it,if not pray about it anyways.You can do this my friend and you don't have to do it alone,all of us here on this site are here for you to support and encourage as best we can so please come back and share when you get down or feel like using....also if possible seek out an addiction specialist and a therapist these things will help tremendously.
    Stay Strong and God Bless you
  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Did I just type this to myself?How can I give advice that makes sense yet I myself can only complete 70 maybe 80% of the list?I will get there just keep pushing forward
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  5. Nathan420

    Nathan420 Member

    Relapses are inevitable for people with an addict mind. Don't let one relapse overshadow what you have achieved. Going 2 months sober on your own is an amazing achievement that many other addicts would not be able to do. In the past 6 years since I've become obsessed with abusing drugs I've only been able to go 22 days completely sober. Any addiction is going to be hard to overcome. You're not alone. Don't look at your failures, look at your achievements and use it to assure you that you can do it again, and do it again but better. Every addict that wants to overcome their addiction has a chance of relapse and there is nothing wrong with having a relapse. It's part of the process. If you have some purpose, something to fight for, use it and try again. Fall down 7 times, get up 8.

    I wish you all the best mate.
  6. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    i understand. and i have no answer. but so as to not hijack this thread im starting a new one.
  7. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    Relapse is a part of getting sober. Sometimes you have to fail over and over to get it right. Please don't beat your self up. Get your self up, dust yourself off and start again. It sucks? But do it for those kids? They need one parent to be there for them and it looks like that is you. You can come here all the time for moral support but getting some more therapy is a great idea. NA or just another group. A good one is SMART. We are here for you and you can do this!
    Joshstillclean likes this.