An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the Forums?Join or

I love an addict, and she broke my heart..

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Gatsbee, Oct 28, 2018.

  1. Gatsbee

    Gatsbee Member

    So, I'm in a strange place..I went to therapy about a year ago for alcohol after I got my 2nd DUI..I met a heroin addict in outpatient therapy, we became friends and eventually had a relationship over the next year. She fell in love, or she said and I pushed her away. I had hoped she would stay sober and get on her feet, that's what I wanted, I did not want to have to always have to help her. I cared for her but did not show her the way I could or should have. I broke it off and she spiraled into using again, meth and heroin. She got involved with a drug dealer, who is her "boyfriend" now. I've seen her a couple times over the last few months and she has lost weight and she gave her 2 young girls to her Aunt in California. Before she met this guy, she had wanted to stay with me and wanted us together, I cared about her but I did not want the burden of helping someone and their kids, while trying to get better myself, working, going to school and taking care of my own kids. The irony is, I want her in my life and she is with this guy and using heavily, but I know what I should be doing. I feel empty at times and wish I would have done more, I don't know if it's love or guilt or maybe the fact that she does not want to be with me anymore. She has told me that he beats her and treats her badly, but she stays and I understand this as I have seen it many times before. I offered to have her stay with me until she can sober up and she almost did, but at the last minute she opted not. I drove to where she stays, to try and talk to her in person, but she saw me and told her new guy I was there, so I left. I was upset, don't know if it was because she took another man's side or because I feel like she has given up on life and it was partly my fault. I know what I need to do, but I wanted to vent and let this out, hoping for some relief. So, thanks for listening and for those of you who are in tough situations, stay strong and don't give up. There are people that care and you will go through hurt, but keep your head high.
    deanokat, Dominica and True concern like this.
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Gatsbee first off I want to commend you on a few thing's, 1st you had a problem with a substance and you are keeping your recovery top priority...This is vital as if we don't heal ourselves first trying to help someone else is like playing chicken with a stick of lite dynamite you just hold in your hand with no intention of releasing...eventually it's gonna blow up,2nd through working on yourself you have found genuine compassion for another human who needs help and your obviously sincere or you wouldn't have posted it at all.3rdyour reaching out for advice as you realize this situation most likely has your better judgement clouded.Your a good man and it's easy to see your heart beats with purpose,the world needs more compassion and people like you help deliver it.This comment of mine to you I just realized is going to be a novel.I can relate to you both as I have been fighting my entire life for sobriety and I am making serious progress finally,I am now sober other than meds from my Dr as I just had surgery 10 day's ago,but I struggled for over 20 years and at this moment I am sober 2 month's, as I through away 7.5 month's for one day, I'm human and I make no excuses it was my fault alone but it did not take control of me like it had in the past.I too am worried for her simply by the 2 substances you said she is using.(Meth-Heroin) at the same time. I don't know about other's but for myself when I abused the 2 at the same time I was actually hoping to OD and die,I am not proud of that but I don't hide from it either because it's the unfortunate truth,at least for myself at that time in my life. I am proud of you for showing restraint as you know he abuses her physically, you are a bigger man than I am when it comes to that,violence against women and children.........Well that's the only thing that would ever put me back in a jail cell as I have no "off"switch if I see or know of such thing's even though I know I can't change the world, childhood trauma in my life is what drives my inability to look away on those situations, again I'm still working on me much like you.I unfortunately don't have advice that could lead you to a 1-2-3 step fix,I pray I did but I do not.You are not at fault in anyway for her actions,WE all have to do what's best for us especially when kids are involved and I'm not talking of hers,though I hurt for them,I'm talking about yours.As parent's sometimes our sacrifices are necessary, not for us,not because we want them,but our children need us,they need us more than we realize and it hurts like hell to turn around one day and realize you chased your wants and desires and your kids are now adults and you only see them if your lucky every other month for one hour...i know,I chased all the thing's I thought was important and the scenario I just described is my reality,lost my wife of almost 20 year's and 3 kid's, 7 grandkids.I struggle everyday of my life now,I lost everyone I ever truly loved and it can happen before you even realize it, so the best advice I got for you is even though you may love this woman next time you talk to your kid's look deep in their eye's and feel the love and need they have for their dad.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    deanokat, Dominica and Gatsbee like this.
  3. Gatsbee

    Gatsbee Member

    True concern,

    Thank you for your input, I am sorry for your losses as I can attest losing anything is a terrible thing but I couldn't even fathom losing everything..but the truth of the matter is I went to get treatment for alcohol, but I am not sober..I do drink moderately, but I make better decisions and don't let it control my behavior..I truly don't believe I'm an alcoholic although I do know it does not present itself in a traditional way all the time..I appreciate your heart felt words and I am trying to do what's best for everyone..I did speak to her tonight and she wants to meet up tomorrow for lunch..I can't tell you all the emotions that I'm going through right now as I was prepared to go forward but now I think if she wants my help, as I have offered, am I prepared to face the music and take on this venture..I do care for her deeply as I have stated here and have also told her, but I can't stop thinking, is she able to fight her addiction with me or am I creating a bigger I prepared to live through her failures and deal through relapses? These are the things people do for each other when they care for one another, I know that in my heart, so tomorrow I will see what I need and want to do..I know there isn't a cut and dry answer as I can talk to 20 people and 10 can tell me, yes, this is right, do it and it will pay off, where as 10 others can say, don't do it, run far and fast as addicts are selfish and only think of I have to make my own future and I ask you for your prayers and support through this and thank you for listening and good to vent and hear others and their experiences..I will update..thanks again
    True concern, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Hello and welcome. Thanks for reaching out. You've gotten some great insight and advice from true concern. And you're right, you would get various responses from different people depending on their beliefs, background, and so on. I personally think you're setting yourself up for great disappointment. She is nowhere near ready to have a healthy relationship. Not even a great healthy friendship. That might be tough to hear but I think it's reality. I think it's great that you want to help people, but it does sound like you have a ways to go working on yourself. But I know that it's easier to help others than to help ourselves. And sure, it could partly be your that she is with someone else now... tough to say.

    This woman does need help...but her breakthrough is most likely not going to come from you "helping" her. It is more likely to take a long time in some sort of recovery program, treatment centers, counseling, etc...... and her continued commitment to a recovery path....

    In working on your own recovery, do you have a recovery path? Either support groups or counseling? I'm a firm advocate of seeing a professional counselor to work out whatever issues you may be having.

    You can definitely come here to vent anytime. We will never judge you, but we will definitely offer our insight and advice and you're free to take it or leave it. We definitely want the best for you and your children. Again, thank you so much for reaching out.
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the forum, @Gatsbee. I'm sorry you're hurting, but I want to let you know that none of what's going on with this woman is your fault. You're doing what's best for YOU, which is absolutely what you need to do in recovery. It's not your responsibility to help or try to save this person.

    @True concern and @Dominica have given you some great insight and advice. I echo all that they've told you. And definitely come back here as much as you'd like. We are here to offer up help, support, and a listening ear. You are not alone, my friend.
    True concern likes this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    There is no shame in having a caring heart,just don't forget about YOUR well being while trying to help her recover.ADDICTS only change when THEY decide too.i wish you all the best.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    deanokat likes this.