An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the DrugAbuse.com Forums?Join or

I miss my husband.

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by Tired Wife, Dec 4, 2018.

  1. Tired Wife

    Tired Wife Member

    I don’t even know where to start, I feel so lost and I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t told anyone about this, so sorry if this is really sloppy. My husband has been addicted to meth for years. He’s lost so much weight, his teeth is falling out, he’s broke, he has zero motivation to do anything. He’s a completely different person. He gets high at least 3 days a week. He let himself go, and is totally unrecognizable. His family has asked me “why is he so skinny?” He’s always been the thin one in his family, but now he just looks sick. I’ve tried everything to help him get sober, but if you ask him he doesn’t have a problem. He’s mean now to the point where I’m embarrassed to be with him in public. I have to hide money from him, otherwise he will spend it on drugs. I left him 6 years ago because of drugs, and he was sober for a while so we got married, then I noticed all the same symptoms of his addiction, and he’s been on it since.

    I’m not sure what I can do anymore, he says he loves me, but every time I bring up his addiction and begging him to get help, he says he doesn’t need help. He doesn’t believe in rehab. It’s sad because he had so much going for him, and he’s just thrown it away for drugs. He’s outside right now, High as ever or doing drugs in our bathroom while I’m sleeping. Before this, he was sleeping for 3 days. What can I do to help him understand he needs help? Or is there no
    Hope? Will he never change? I miss the man I fell in love with 10 years ago.
    Lynnette likes this.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Tired Wife... Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing your situation with us. I'm sorry to hear about your husband, and I know you're going through hell because of his addiction. Unfortunately, you can't make your husband change. He is the only person who can take the steps necessary to get clean and sober. If he doesn't want to change, there isn't a whole lot you can do about it. It may be that you'll have to make some tough decisions about your relationship at some point in order to save yourself. If you allow yourself to be addicted to his addiction, his disease will take you both down.

    There is a really good book out there called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. I think it would be a worthwhile read for you. The book is written specifically for partners and parents of people struggling with addiction and it's full of good, helpful information. There's also an online companion to the book. It's called The 20 Minute Guide and you can access it here: https://the20minuteguide.com

    The most important thing you can do at this point is to take good care of yourself. Practicing self-care is absolutely essential when you are in a relationship with an addict. You have to preserve yourself, because YOUR life is the most important one; and it's also the only one you have complete control over. As Nar-Anon and Al-Anon teach us, we didn't cause our loved one's addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. I would urge you to find a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting in your area and check it out. Or find an online meeting (https://www.intherooms.com) and give that a try.

    We are here for you. To help, support, and listen. You are not alone. So please reach out and lean on us anytime you need to. We may not be able to fix things for you, but we can certainly stand by you as you deal with your husband's issues.

    Sending you love, light, and hope. And strength. Lots and lots of strength.
  3. Lynnette

    Lynnette Member

    I relate to your story!
    It’s so hard to walk away, you just want to fix them, and better them. Making the step to walk away is like giving up on them, letting them go and own their own to get worse.
    Because you feel like your “helping” by encouraging them to quit trying to motivate them. TRYING all you can to help. But when your give up they have free rein to do however much they want and it scares you. But we can’t let it tear us down! This isn’t our fault.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lynnette... Walking away isn't necessarily about giving up on them. It's about trying to save yourself. Sometimes, we have to take drastic measures to preserve our own sanity. Is it easy to walk away? No. But sometimes it's necessary. I hope you are doing alright. And you're right: It's not your fault!
    Lynnette likes this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Tired Wife... How are you doing, my dear? Just checking. Please know that we're here for you anytime you might need us.
  6. Tired Wife

    Tired Wife Member

    Thanks for the reply, I decided the best thing for me is to leave. He doesn’t want to change, and I can’t live like this anymore. I’ve been so consumed with his addiction that I haven’t even thought of all the things he was taking from me. Our whole marriage has been about him. I know it’s going to be hard, and maybe I won’t get over him, but I want my life back.
    Lynnette likes this.
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Tired Wife hello there. if leaving was best for you, then glad you did this. i'm sure you have extended a long grace period for him.... you do deserve to have your life back.... it might help you to attend a support group like al-anon or nar-anon if you find yourself really struggling.... or seek a counselor. just a thought.

    we are here for you anytime!
  8. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    I commend you for making the decision that is best for YOU, @Tired Wife. Being addicted to and consumed by your husband's addiction will definitely take a toll on your physical and mental health. Will it be hard? Yes. But YOUR life is the most important one. Always remember that. YOU are the only one you have control over. So it's best to practice self-care and take care of you first.
    Dominica likes this.
  9. Lynnette

    Lynnette Member

    You are very strong. I wish you the best to come❤️
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  10. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    @Tired Wife...Thank you for sharing your story with us. As a wife sometimes it is very hard on our part if we are experiencing such things and it always end up in a failure that what we really want for the best of our husbands they are not giving importance to it. It is very sad because we only want to change their life for the better. But like what they said love ourself first before anybody else. For me if you think it is best that you will leave him then do it. Who knows he will realize your loss in his life and change his way of life. Just be strong and keep up your faith and God will provide. All the best and take care of yourself.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  11. Tired Wife

    Tired Wife Member

    I haven’t been on I a while, so here’s an update:

    I told him I was leaving, and stayed with my parents. Long story short, He was clean for 1 month, so I went back. About a few weeks later I went into the bathroom and could smell it. I asked him if he was using again, and he of course denied. So I went through his things & found a small bag with a pipe, straws, mr. clean eraser and drugs. So we are back to square 1.

    I feel like I failed myself. I asked him again last night, “when is this going to end? When are you planning on being sober? Don’t you notice your teeth are all falling out!” He of course didn’t take me seriously and said he doesn’t have a problem & he’s not as bad as his addicted sister.
  12. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @Tired Wife thanks for the update. Now you are going to have to leave for good. He is and will ruin your life if you stay. He got you back and went right back to using. If you stay resign yourself to the fact that you can t fix him. We are here for you.
  13. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Tired Wife... It's good to hear from you again, although I'm sorry your husband is using again. I'm wondering... Do you go to any support group meetings? I think they would really help you. And I'll remind you again of what Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us about our loved one's addiction: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

    I have to say, I tend to agree with @DoxyMom. If you stay, you're going to be running on the proverbial hamster wheel again. Put yourself first and do what you need to to make YOURSELF feel better. That's your number one priority.

    Sending you love, light, hope, and strength.