I am an addict - Thank you to anyone that listens. I have been what I call a "functioning addict" for 17 years on and off, but honestly more on than not. I have never hit a rock bottom, never even close. I've never stolen, lied, cheated etc for my addiction. I have always had a job and supported myself. Nobody in my life even knows my struggle with addiction. I have never went to detox or treatment, always quit cold turkey and I am scared this time. I want to quit but I am never ready. I live in a small place where everybody knows everyone and gossip is really bad, which could out my career in jeopardy if anyone found out. I feel like I am a lost soul stuck between a rock and a pill. I know what my problem is, and why I use to escape it, I have went to therapy many times, leaving out the addiction side mind you, and i am always told i am dealing with my issues well. My addiction has caused me severe depression on and off and severe anxiety with panic attacks i have no control over. I refuse to treat myself for these issues as antidepressants and opioid use can cause black outside etc and I cant treat anxiety with another medication I can abuse. I need help and I dont know where to turn. I tried the 12 step program and I just dont find the higher power crap works. I've tried yoga, meditation, anything I can do to break my habit of when I need/want to do a line, it's become so routine. I've tried keeping myself busy but it makes me do more drugs. I'm a lost soul who needs/wants help but feels like the only place to turn is online as I have nobody in my life to talk with. I appreciate this forum allowing me to tell my story, and I thank anyone who took the time to read. It is not easy to tell people online or in life.