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I need help, first time sharing my story

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Keileen, Jan 12, 2020.

  1. Keileen

    Keileen Member

    I am an addict - Thank you to anyone that listens. I have been what I call a "functioning addict" for 17 years on and off, but honestly more on than not. I have never hit a rock bottom, never even close. I've never stolen, lied, cheated etc for my addiction. I have always had a job and supported myself. Nobody in my life even knows my struggle with addiction. I have never went to detox or treatment, always quit cold turkey and I am scared this time. I want to quit but I am never ready. I live in a small place where everybody knows everyone and gossip is really bad, which could out my career in jeopardy if anyone found out. I feel like I am a lost soul stuck between a rock and a pill. I know what my problem is, and why I use to escape it, I have went to therapy many times, leaving out the addiction side mind you, and i am always told i am dealing with my issues well. My addiction has caused me severe depression on and off and severe anxiety with panic attacks i have no control over. I refuse to treat myself for these issues as antidepressants and opioid use can cause black outside etc and I cant treat anxiety with another medication I can abuse. I need help and I dont know where to turn. I tried the 12 step program and I just dont find the higher power crap works. I've tried yoga, meditation, anything I can do to break my habit of when I need/want to do a line, it's become so routine. I've tried keeping myself busy but it makes me do more drugs. I'm a lost soul who needs/wants help but feels like the only place to turn is online as I have nobody in my life to talk with. I appreciate this forum allowing me to tell my story, and I thank anyone who took the time to read. It is not easy to tell people online or in life.
  2. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Hi welcome to the forum. I'm glad your here I think we can all attest to the reinforcing effects of drugs and how hard they are to get away from.

    The biggest problem with drugs is they really mess up our dopamine system and that makes it hard to find pleasure in activities without being high and sometimes for months and months after we quit.

    Its normally why we return to the drug of our choice after because it takes so long for the anhedonia to go away.

    Drs recommend antidepressants because they work similar to cocain and amphetamines through inhibitors of reuptake. They slowly build up those Neurotransmitters that you are craving after drug cessation.

    Thanks for sharing your story I hope we can offer you advice, support, and encouragement we are all just like you here trying to keep our heads above the water in recovery.
    Keileen likes this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Keileen welcome to the community, I just read your story but you didn't share the drug of choice nor the quantity you abuse daily,can you please provide that information so I can understand what your feeling before I respond further?I have been addicted to meth,heroin,alcohol, xanax,oxycontin so I understand how each is different in how they make a person feel both going and and of course coming down.Thank you
    Keileen likes this.
  4. Keileen

    Keileen Member

    My drugs of choice are oxy and percocet. Started at 15 after having my wisdom teeth out and losing my father. It's been 17 years. So long, like it's never ending. What I do daily varies. 60 to 120mg oxy and with every 5mg of oxy I do 1/4 of a percocet so I would say I do 6 to 10 percocet daily with the oxy. Its a lot when I look at it. I'm 5'2 145lbs. Big dose for my size. I also like xanax but I take maybe 5 a week. Not too concerning there. I know I should not quit cold turkey on that amount as it can be so stressful on my body but I have to do it on my own. I just feel stuck. I dont want to live this way but it's so hard to break a routine you've had for years.
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2020
  5. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    So it sounds like your going to do this cold turkey,it will suck very bad but let me share my original first post here on the site and perhaps it will give you inspiration or something to think about.Either way I will respond as you do.

    This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you
    Keileen likes this.
  6. Keileen

    Keileen Member

    Wow thank you for your story, that is intense. Anytime I've quit I've done it myself, I'd throw myself into work, go away for work, this time I dont have that choice. I am so happy that nurse begged the Dr for another shock, I believe you were meant to live on whether to help others and be an inspiration. I know I'm not in a life or death situation and have never hit a bottom which I think makes it harder. I dont have a reason to quit except to be free. I went to europe last year and I thought that would be the time to quit, I'd be so busy I wouldnt notice cutting myself back. That didnt happen. Once I landed back in canada had to drive 4 hours home and the first thing I did was stop and grab pills. I had started withdrawing badly on the plane. Probably the biggest wake up call. I have booked another europe trip for june, and I just want to be free of this routine, I want to be sober. I dont want this to hold me back anymore. I just dont know how to quit while still working every day. Time off is not an option for me. I appreciate your words and support more than you know. A lost soul is feeling not so alone right now.
    True concern likes this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I don't know how to tell you to do this while continuing to work,the only way I see that happening is to taper instead of cold turkey.You keep saying you want to quit but don't know how,well you do know how you just stop period,that's what cold turkey is anyways....and if you really really really want to be sober you will do it but cold turkey and work.....I just don't see it happening
  8. Keileen

    Keileen Member

    I know, unfortunately I am not able to get time off as I work in government healthcare and it's hard to get any time off due to being short staffed. I know it sounds like excuses but I cant lose my job, pension etc. Today is the day I start even if it is tapering. It helps just to be able to talk to people about it after keeping it buried for 17 years
    True concern likes this.
  9. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    And we are here every day for support,encouragement, etc...I have to vent very regularly because I struggle with a lot of substances and I have several mental health issues I can't find the correct meds for so I bounce all over the place....sober 3 weeks..relapse for a week...sober 10 day's, etc plus constantly fighting ADHD,BIPOLAR DISORDER, DEPRESSION so I can write very well when I get those all tamed at the same time but it doesn't last long and it's my greatest passion trying to help other's struggling with addiction but I can't always process my emotions and thoughts properly and that makes me worse because I am actually fulfilled when I feel I said something that may help someone but I spend much of my life fighting my own demon's. However I care enough about helping or trying to help that I try to push through it,it just doesn't always work well for me in my heart because I know when I should have been able to write better and I hate sacrificing in the area of a heart felt response but I keep fighting on
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  10. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @Keileen hello and welcome! This may be your first step to getting clean and sober. You have been honest here. If you are afraid of detox you can try methadone or suboxone to help wean you off. These are tools to use while your brain heals from years of opioid abuse. You need some sort of therapy as well. You may want to try SMART. They are all over the world and have online groups as well. We are here for you as best as we can.
  11. Keileen

    Keileen Member

    It's been awhile. This pandemic has made everything harder! Hope everyone's doing well
  12. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    But don't let the medias fear mongering let you give up and give it to anything. You're going to regret it. Speaking from experience. Not the fear i am not afraid, and i have it. The isolation. Don't give in. The high is fake you only come back down to the same isolated place.
    True concern likes this.
  13. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    This is actually one of the truest thing's I've ever read from you."The high is fake you only come back down to the same isolated place"....
    Them is some song lyrics if I ever did hear some!But seriously it's the truth,it's easy to picture...Very well said my brother
    Joshstillclean likes this.