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I need to stop

Discussion in 'Alcohol' started by SavannaGrimes, Aug 19, 2019.

  1. SavannaGrimes

    SavannaGrimes Active Contributor

    I have realised that I cannot drink alcohol There were periods I would drink some cocktails at home every day at the evening after work. And I thought that it is ok. I do not have a problem. Until a few times I wanted to drink alchohol at 2 in the day, after work. And sometimes it gets crazy... I cannot drink heavy drinks, vodka etc. But I drink them. There been times I start to drink, and I just cannot control myself. I act CRAZY. Talk ****. And do not remember anything afterwards. And this time it was at my cousins wedding. I got so drunk.. I AM SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF. I cannot stand it. I cannot even work my thoughts paralize me. And I have decided not to drink, because I just cannot stop when I start. But everytime I make this decision not to drink , I fail... and then comes next time I get drunk, and I am stuck in this circle. And I do not know how deal with my emotions and shame now. Everyone in my family sae how drunk i was. And I think they think that I am an alchoholic. Which I think I am... please help me.. with some advice or experience?
  2. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @SavannaGrimes hello and welcome. This is a great group of people who will not judge you. If you and your family think you have a problem then you probably do. Have you thought about attending AS or SMART meetings? These can help you change your life. We are here for you too. Hang in there, it gets easier.
    SavannaGrimes and True concern like this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @SavannaGrimes if you think your an alcoholic odds are you are probably correct but as a friend of mine would say addiction is not a moral failing it is a disease I myself have struggled with many addictions but alcohol is the one that has always been the worst for me.It can be worse however, I know you feel ashamed of how you acted at your cousins wedding but at least you didn't do it at your own(I Did) twice to the same woman, I messed up the first wedding because I was to drunk so we renewed our vows and like an idiot I got drunk and screwed it up a second time.... I eventually got it right(The 3rd time) but I know that feeling and it sucks.You understand you can't control yourself when you drink so now you have to be on your toes whenever you're around alcohol,be aware that it NEVER ends well and avoid it, I know it's easier said than done but you have to try.We know you can overcome this addiction because many have and the shame fades in time just stay focused and push forward.You can do this my friend, I believe in you.
    STAY STRONG MY FRIEND AND GOD BLESS
    SavannaGrimes likes this.
  4. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Moderator Community Listener

    That's right sobriety is something we practice at. We cannot have massive success without massive failures. That's how we learn and the more times we fail the better we get.

    Your time to start is now because you recognize the problem. Good luck And I'm sending positive Energy.
    SavannaGrimes and Joshstillclean like this.
  5. SavannaGrimes

    SavannaGrimes Active Contributor

    Hello, @DoxyMom , until this day I did not think about meetings. And I am ashamed to tell my husband, that I would like to go, and I am ashamed that there will be people with more serious drinking problem.. He does not think my problem is as big as it is. Because I did not tell him of the times I wanted to get drunk in the middle of the day.. because I was feeling depressed. He just thinks I can not control myself, but I drank at the wedding because I love to get drunk to be drunk, and then I lost control of myself. Thank you for being here!
  6. SavannaGrimes

    SavannaGrimes Active Contributor

    Hey @True concern Thank you for sharing your story. It made me feel like I am not alone. That there are people who have the same problem. I really need to remember not to drink AT ALL. I can't wait for time to pass. So I don't feel the shame. Today I could not work, I was so anxious and the strange fantasy/memories came back.
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  7. SavannaGrimes

    SavannaGrimes Active Contributor

    @Onceaddicted77 hey! Thank you! I started from last night, and from now on not a drop. Today I was at my friends, and she drank wine. And I water. Well it is easier now while the bad memories are still here. But my journey to better me begins.
  8. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    Hi. Glad you recognize the problem now. I myself was a very functional alcoholic, although that was never my drug of choice. But I started drinking at 15-daily.
    Shame moments been there-time will heal how you feel now. That is if you don't keep drowning those moments of shame in more alcohol-which is precisely what I did. For about a decade I had a few beers in the morning, few at lunch, then vodka or wine as soon as I got off work. I had it in my truck constantly.
    Slowly-very slowly, so slow I didn't know how bad I was until it was far to late, I drank more and more.
    I actually bought a breathalizer and tested myself regularly...if i blew below .18-.22 I would get shaky. I just maintained that level of drunk.
    And I was for the most part functional.
    I haven't drank now in I guess about 3 years or so I had opiods problems much worse so im not sure.
    But I ended up with a failing liver and do have kidney problems now. However I was waking up in the middle of the night to roll over in bed taking a shot of vodka and passing back out. Your never hung over if your always drunk.
    I have quit many drugs, even though i didnt even like alcohol as much as the others it probably was one of the hardest to stop.
    I did I librium detox and avoided the DTs that way. I have epilepsy so every time I tried to quit I had bad seizures.
    But I saw a doctor and eventually, after 4 or 5 tries I was able to stop.
    Please don't let your alcoholism progress this far. I had to loose everything I had before i gave in. And I never even liked to drink. I just liked to forget.
    You really can arrest this problem and redeem yourself now and quite easily to compared to if you continued for more years until you HAD to stop-like I did.

    You can do this but the only way to do it is to allow no grey area in your approach. You don't drink, you don't even go to bars with friends who do drink. This kind of attitude WILL render you success in this. It is hard, I know. But just remember, it can be worse. Or you take the control now, and you never have to experience this shame again.
  9. SavannaGrimes

    SavannaGrimes Active Contributor

    Hi! Thank you for the advice, I have one friend with who we always drink when we meet. And I think we really need to change this. Not going to bars is going to be easy, as I do not like going out. The hardest part will be not to drink at celebrations with family. And to be honest I do not think they will offer me any drinks ever. I do not like the taste of alcohol , I really like that drunk happy feeling and forgetting problems. And this is depressing.. and I feel so sad.
    And that horroble shame feeling. OH THAT IS AWFUL.
  10. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Moderator Community Listener

    We all feel shame my friend. I was hooked on opiates for 10 years. But turn that shame into power. Power that will get you through the hardest time and smile and feel good about saying no and it will turn into something great and will get easier with time. I promise you will never feel more accomplished. Because substances are hard to quit.
    Joshstillclean and SavannaGrimes like this.
  11. SavannaGrimes

    SavannaGrimes Active Contributor

    I will do something around the house so my mind does not go around thinking all kind of things. Because-
    I have some strange memories from my drunken blackout, and I am paranoid that I told someone that I love to smoke weed from bong.. and that person was my relative.. and it is illegal here.. and they are very serious people.. And the more I think the more realistic it feels. That I really told my cousins dad this. I hope if that was true he would think I was just drunk blabbering. But I am not sure if it was my paranoia and I imagined it or I did tell someone. Did false memories came to you after drinking?
    Thank you for being here! I really feel better! I apologise if I talk too much about me. Otherwise my head will explode.
  12. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Moderator Community Listener

    No problem at all this is your thread talk about you all you want. :)

    Turn on some music with an upbeat and feel that depression melt away. I had to walk around almost 24/7 with earphones in when I quit opiates 4 months ago. Music is healing and will give you a boost in Dopamine. Our feel good chemical. :D
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  13. SavannaGrimes

    SavannaGrimes Active Contributor

    I have feeling that music and inspirational videos will be my new best friends:)
    I know sporty activities also help, but I need to tidy the kitchen

    Also I wish you all the best on your journey!:D
  14. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    A few things... I love every post I have read on your thread. Thank you for coming here and becoming part of this cyber family-well stick around long enough and it'll feel like family.
    I do not like that you are dealing with this. I didn't mean this. I just love the honesty.
    In my experience you just can't trust drunken memories when you are in blackout mode. They come back all screwed up and usually its best to just avoid dwelling on it.
    Good thing is it seems like this is one of the first bad shameful drunk moments you have had. Otherwise it would just be another oh well I was drunk day.
    And its super super super- needs more emphasis on super here but for the sake of room- shameful when you are a drunk who doesn't care if they make a fool of themselves anymore. Its just normal. And BTW, it does get to that level.

    So I dought other than anxiety and depression for a little while you will have many symptoms. Might feel lonely, less social-but if your not into hard core liquor to just jeep the shakes away then your gonna be golden coming through this.
    I'm
    Well also what @Onceaddicted77 said about music...Soooo true!
    I keep two pairs of Bluetooth earbuds at all times. One pair charging and one pair in my ears. Then swap out.
    Sometimes our heads (mine anyway) can be a bad place to be but music is the best distraction for me. And my head is not where anyone wants to venture, just take my word for it.
    You will get over your shame and you will be faced with temptation. This is not really a dangerous time for a relapse right now. But be on your gaurd in a few weeks when all of this blows over...and my posts are always long, but I speak very little. So don't think your talking too much.
  15. SavannaGrimes

    SavannaGrimes Active Contributor

    Hi! @Joshstillclean
    It is so nice that I have found this place! Everyone is so helpful. I would not stick to my plan not to drink if not advice and stories!
    For me videos are better because there is a story and I repeat everything I hear. :D although music makes me happy too, I kinda was scared to start listening to music because of bad memories. While I was making jam it was ok. But when I finished everything.. It was too late to do anything ariund the house and my mind wandered off..
    And about the memories. I started to "remember" overthinking random crazy scenarios. I think I made up these bad memories. Mixed up with other drunken noght. I really tried not to think, but for me as an active overthinker and anxious person it is hard. Nothing really helped, the thoughts were so loud. Until I decided to send message to my cousin and apologize for my behavior. He called me back.. And we talked. He said everything is ok and that he wanted to party with me too.. And I made the worst case scenario in my mind. I feel so much better now. And it is day 3 shame is fading away!

    2 years ago I had crazy drunken blackout, honestly I should have stop drinking and smoking weed then. It messed up me so bad. I still do not remember anything. I was with random strangers. And I have to trust they did not do anything bad. Since then I have been in therapy for some time.I am Not anymore, it is too expensive.
    Thank you for support. I really will be carefull with temptations. So far it is good.
  16. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Moderator Community Listener

    I'm glad your feeling better. Dont fret and worry about what happened in the past we cant change it. We all do things we normally wouldn't do when we are under the influence.

    When I got sober I had to call a few family members that I neglected and it felt so good to tell them sorry for the way I was and that'll I'll try to learn from my mistakes.
  17. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    Durring my drinking and drugging days I blacked out drunk-and high-but drinking is what always got me into trouble with the law. Every single time.
    I once woke up on a greyhound headed to Chicago with people i didn't know but I had been on one of those days on end benders, and apparently we were almost to Chicago. I lived in Atlanta at the time.
    We were going there to buy large quantity of heroin.
    Well I was calling family back home and had to admit what happened and that I was leaving chicago, but had to ask for money for a ticket back. I had bought a one way ticket...so stupid the things i have done black-out drunk.
    I understand...really.
    But now its all in the past and now I am using my experiences to help a few younger members of my family who at the time thought I was a horrible person. However they are headed down the same road now.
    Turn this into something good.
    I think your heart is in the right place.
  18. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @SavannaGrimes how are you doing? It's been a few weeks and the Labor Day weekend is here. Do you have a plan to not drink this weekend? I hope you are doing well.
  19. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @SavannaGrimes would you please give us an update, we do care and we want to be here for you as best we can.