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I really need some help

Discussion in 'Methamphetamine / Meth' started by NoNotAgain, Feb 16, 2018.

  1. NoNotAgain

    NoNotAgain Member

    This is my first time ever reaching out like this. I have amazing parents... an amazing pregnant wife... and amazing 2 year old son... I have a great job and zero debt... I have everything I need and want... I have been clean off meth for almost 5 years... it has been a struggle... but nothing like the past 6 months... AND REALLY BAD the past month...I spend every waking minute thinking about it... I dream about it... I think I smell it on people... I think I taste it... EVERY SINGLE DAY! All day... im a blink of an eye away from relapsing... in fact... if I could find it I prolly would've caved in by now...I even watch internet videos of people using meth...I think I'm in some serious trouble... I am so stressed out and depressed over this... I honestly feel like I need to do it... deal with guilt and remorse and move on... why? Why after almost 5 years is third strong right now... I am Not strong enough to keep fighting... my wife and my family are what got me through this... and why I stay clean... but for some reason I'm scared that' not enough right now... I can' talk to them about it this time as it would cause too much stress to my wife whonis 6 months pregnant... and it has taken this long to build my relationship back with my parents... my mum will worry every single day and it will cause too much anxiety...
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @NoNotAgain hey there. thanks for reaching out... i'm sorry the past six months have been such a struggle. i don't know why it's so strong for you right now.... but i do hope you can beat the temptation. sometimes the brain will make a way to obsess about something and it sounds like it is doing this to you right now.

    can you reach out for some help via a counselor? mentor? go to an NA meeting? since it's so strong right now, i advise you do whatever it takes to get through this time in life without using.

    play the tape through. if you use, how will you feel? (not good.) what will consequences be? (negative feelings... guilt, regret, loss of confidence, etc.)

    would using make the cravings stop? (no. you'll want more. your brain will be damned if it only lets you use one time.)

    sometimes things can be going so well in life... and we'll self-sabotage. i've done it. that old familiar feeling of "drama" or feeling out of control...or in control... will nag at me... like how i grew up. but... for me, i don't want to go backwards. i try to stay in check with people that can direct me spiritually, personally, professionally. i don't want to go "back there"....

    does this help at all?

    stay in touch. here....
  3. NoNotAgain

    NoNotAgain Member

    All I do is go over the negative concequences... and who I will hurt... what I could loose... I know it won' be just one more time... but I just can't shake these feelings and thoughts...
    I'm not around it at all... which is good because I am too weak...
    I don' know how much longer I can struggle like this for... i dont petsonally know anybody in this same boat i can talk or relate to... thank you for your help and time
  4. NoNotAgain

    NoNotAgain Member

    Everyone always says talk to someone... that was a big mistake... tried talking to the number one person in my life... the most supportive...didn' even get into details with my wife... almost 5 years sober and you would think I just relapsed the way she reacted... F me...
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @NoNotAgain it's very scary to hear a loved one is fighting the cravings so strongly... was this person your wife you shared with? fear of the unknown can make anyone act irrational, irate, petrified, and so on. try not to take the reaction personal or use it as an excuse to use.... easier said than done, i know.

    when i went to support group meetings, my sponsor told me NOT to go to my partner for accountability or with big issues. when i ignored that advice, it never went well. my partner could not handle hearing my issues... so i learned to go to someone else. a third party who wasn't as invested emotionally. my sponsor. counselor. someone....

    are you able to consult a counselor? how about get your butt to an NA meeting and be honest with them. tell them you're in hell right now, wanting to use... or hit an online video meeting and share...

    i'm glad you are here reaching out for support. it's a start. i'm not a counselor..but i can listen and share my two cents and strength or wisdom gained through the years...
  6. NoNotAgain

    NoNotAgain Member

    Thank you for that message... I needed it... I'm at work on night shift... every minute is even tougher at work...
    I am going to a meeting in the morning... at least plan to... I never needed it before... but I know I'm about to slip BIG time... I will also try that video chat... wish I knew about it earlier... thank you so much for you words and advice
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @NoNotAgain you're welcome! did you make a meeting? let me know how it you're doing!
  8. NoNotAgain

    NoNotAgain Member

    Didn't make a meeting... had lots going on today... which was good... kept me busy...
    Another tough day though
    I wish I never mentioned anything to my wife... it has just caused problems...
    Now I sit here alone at night... that' my toughest time... went to the gym... that' a good place for me... I hate going to sleep... I have very vivid dreams... and dream about meth on a regular basis...I still am going to get myself to a meeting... but I also suffer from social anxiety... it' hard for me to out myslef in the position... but I know it's important
  9. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @NoNotAgain exercising is wonderful. good for you. i hear you on social anxiety... with meetings, maybe the more you go, you get used to it and that decreases anxiety. there's also online video meetings... how about reading a good recovery book? or watching recovery YouTube videos? someone could say one sentence that could change this up in a moment :)