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I think i waited too long

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Mr t, Aug 27, 2016.

  1. Mr t

    Mr t Member

    Hello, I have suspected for quite a while that my younger brother had a problem with prescription pain medications, but i never confronted him about it. I believe it started about 10 years ago when he admitted to having a dependency on tramadol. We talked him into going to rehab but he didnt make it one day and he called my father and threatened to end his relationship with him if he did not come and get him out. My father complied. He has sworn to his wife and us that he has beaten that addiction but i always suspected that it was not true. It has escalated in the last couple of years but i am not sure what meds he is taking. In the las two years he has lost 3 jobs. The first job was a very good job that he had been on for about 15 years. He collected unemployment for about 6 months then he got another job in the same field and closer to home. I thought he lucked out. But he got fired from that job after about 3 months. After that he called on one of his best friends to get him anther job in the same field, and again he lucked out. But he only kept that job for a couple months. Thia time i called his friend that got him the job and asked him what happened. He told me that he was glad i called because he was worried about him. He said that my brother was always very late if he showed up at all, and he often left early after coming up with some family emergency excuse. Fearing that his wife was going to leave him this time around, he did not tell her he lost his job again, and instead, got up every day and left as if he were going to work. He was able to keep that up for a month but when the "payday" came, he broke down and told her. He then got my parents to pay all of his bills that month and also the last 8 months as he has not found another job. I really dont think he even looked. He has called me many many times and asked if i have 40 bucks. I never give him any. I guess his wife finally got suspicious because she started tracking him and she found out that he has been buying pain meds and muscle relaxants and he admitted it. She brought it to my attention and then she told him to leave. My family and I are trying to find him a rehab that takes medicaid because that is all he has and my parents have already depleted their life savings paying ALL of his expenses for the last 9 months. He told her that this has only been going on for about two months and that he already stopped. She did not believe him though and still told him to leave. He flipped out because he didnt know that was coming and he was not prepared to leave his two children. He is furious with me because she told him that she told me several days before that he had to leave but i didnt warn him. Now he says he is "dead, everyone has turned their backs on me" you might as well start planning my funeral". My brother and I have always been very close and i feel like i failed him. Any advice on how i can help him would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for such a long post.
  2. Donnchadh

    Donnchadh Active Contributor

    No need to apologise for your long post. My first piece of advice to you is to get some professional help for yourself talk to your doctor about your problems and ask them to direct you to someone who can listen to and support you. Now to your brothers problem unfortunately bottom line is for as long as he's in denial it's just going to keep going on as it is. I've noticed that he's using the guilt trip card this is common with a lot of addicts please don't fall for it. Addicts usually do play the poor me game when the enabling stops and from your post i detect he's laying it and playing it in spade loads. Your not responsible for what ever he may do in the future. Don't let him guilt trip you don't enable him But don't completely abandon him either. Back to yourself have a good chat with your doctor and get the support and help you need for yourself. The reason I'm offering you this advice is I was excality like your brother before I got into recovery at the time I couldn't see the damage i caused all around me but in hindsight I know exactly what you're going through. So please get help for yourself first then hopefully you'll be able to help him. I wish you all the very best. Your in my thoughts and prayers xxx
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Mr t... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing with us. I'm so sorry that your younger brother is struggling with addiction.

    @Donnchadh has already offered you some great advice. I agree that you should work on yourself and I think going to a support group meeting, either Nar-Anon or Al-Anon, would really be helpful. You have to remember what Al-Anon teaches: You didn't cause your brother's addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It's hard for loved ones of people struggling with addiction to realize this, but it's true. There is absolutely no reason for you to feel like you failed your brother. Honest.

    It also sounds like there is a lot of enabling going on here, especially by your parents. There is no way they should be paying your brother's expenses. That's just making things easier for him and allowing him to be comfortable living the life he's living. And he is definitely trying to manipulate your family and make you all feel guilty when he says things like "you might as well start planning my funeral."

    There's a great book out there called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for partners and loved ones of people struggling with addiction and I think you and your parents could benefit greatly from reading it. It teaches how to be supportive of your loved one using kindness, love, and empathy. But at the same time it teaches you why it's important to let your loved one suffer the natural consequences of their addiction. It also discusses why self-care for you and your family is so important when you're dealing with a loved one's addiction problem. I'm telling you, it's a fabulous book.

    Remember that you are not alone. There are so many loved ones who are dealing with the exact same issue that you are. Addiction is a family disease and everyone who loves the person struggling is affected. Please know that you can come here anytime for help, advice, or just to vent. We are here for you.

    I'm sending positive, healing vibes to you and your family. And lots of hugs full of hope. I'm glad you reached out.
  4. Mr t

    Mr t Member

    Thank you for the positive replies. I have been talking a lot with my wife who has also had a loved one battle addiction. She has been telling me to find an al anon group and i thi k i am going to do that. I am going to try more than anything to get my parents to go as well, because yes , they have been enabling him for far too long. Its primarily my father that refuses to believe. However, the cat is now out of the bag so I am praying that the enabling will stop. I am so glad i found this site. I am going to try and get my wife on here also, because even though she is 44 years old, she still has a lot of issues that are unresolved with her mother and family. Issues that began when she was just a little girl and her mom was an alcoholic. Your support is very uplifting and i think she could use some of that. Thank you
    Donnchadh likes this.
  5. Mr t

    Mr t Member

    Here is a little update. My brother left my parents home late last night and retur ed to his home. Supposedly he had a long talk with his wife and agree to let him stay there and go to an outpatient rehab, with the condition that if nothing has changed after 4 months then she is taking their kids and moviing in with her mother. He is absolutely giddy about this plan because he has a chance to turn things around . He apologized to me for the way he treated me last night. I do not think he is being honest with himself or anyone else for that matter, and i really dont think outpatient rehab will work. Any thoughts?
    Donnchadh likes this.
  6. Donnchadh

    Donnchadh Active Contributor

    Well it's a step in the right direction.the fact that he's apologised I detect some remorse. But my own personal opinion and remember it's only my opinion is that I think judging by your original post that outpatient rehab probably won't work. I think that he really needs to be in a closed centre cut off from the outside world no phones no TV no media no communication with the outside world except for family visits once a week where he should not be allowed to talk but just listen to how his addiction affected you. It's the only kind of treatment that helped me a structured environment with lot's of group therapy and a careing but strict regime. Without the outside worldly distractions I was able to have a good look at myself and my behaviour and you know what when I was due to be released into the outside world I actually didn't want to leave. But fortunately there was a 2 year aftercare programme which I had to attend once a week which was a great help along with AA and NA. And to finish like deanokat advised the enabling has got to stop and you all need the support of NAR ANNON or and Al Anon in order to cope with and understand and deal with his behaviour during his initial stage of recovery because there will be awkward day's but it will get better with time and patience and the support of the group's I mentioned. I so wish you all the very best going forward xxx
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Try to think positive. Will outpatient rehab work? If your brother wants to change and works hard at it, it certainly can work. It is a step in the right direction, for sure. Perhaps the ultimatum his wife has given him will be the motivation he needs to straighten his life out. I hope so.