I think I'm done digging

So as a child I was put on Ritalin at 6,but there were so many other abnormalities about my youth.Every adult in the house I grew u0 in was high or drunkALWAYS so of course that had to be the Apple that fell off the family tree and found a child who was raising the adults.My dad was never home he works 7 day's a week and more during leap year..gone to work before I woke up,home from work after I went to bed,my dad has always lived with us yet our first conversation came when I turned 18,no bullshit we lived in the same house for 18 year's before we spoke!Needless to point out but by 18 I was already full of confusion, resentment, a nagging thought of (Why does he never see me ever on any day)and that emotional torment took me down a dark,lonely existence that I am barely making progress with.who knew having a dad in your life was so important?Roughly my first year as an adult I spent over 9 month's of it in a jail cell.Shortly after turned 19 still getting high,still taking car's that don't belong to me I find myself in a high speed chase on the freeway and I was not giving up at all,let alone easy,anyways I'm gonna try to shorten this up by leaving out many thing's after I explain how I met my wife....10 cop cars 4 exits behind me I cut from the far lane to back track and take a lane I shouldn't have attempted but it worked and bought me about 30 more seconds as the police cars all started ice skating on the freeway after that,I cut through some side streets and pulled into a random driveway,quickly a woman runs out tells me to ditch the car and hope the entire block using all the neighbors back yards.Well I did what she said and she told me I could stay until the police stopped looking for me,again no bullshit that woman later became my wife.This lady is 11 year's my senior with three children and she rolled the dice and bet it all on me,a alcoholic, drug addict who has only raised adults never children. I was consumed by addiction the day we got married and about a week later I started freaking out,more than anything I didn't want the kids to pick up drug use from me,I had to change and I knew how deep my resentment went for the adults who were high around me while I was growing, I had to get sober,I couldn't fail the kids(My life has been from 0 to 100)more time's than I can remember. I got sober,went back to work and struggled as I never spoke to anyone about a just one day I was h8gh and the next I wasn't, but my childhood trauma came back to take me down many many more times...I was failing in the one place I could not accept and I was trapped by addiction again.I decided to combat drug's in a very UNCONVENTIONAL way to educate the kids on every reason why they should never mess with the hard stuff,I was winging it but every time I got sick from detoxing, every trip to jail or the hospital, every time addiction directly caused me serious problems I would explain how the life I was living was complete torture,I never glorified my use I always talked about it in a way to make them understand...Never try it because it doesn't just let go and allow you to forget about it,I told them how bad I hated substances and by then they knew if I didn't have it I was sicker than anything they had ever seen,I never glorified any crime I committed rather I lumped it in with addiction and crime are best friends because the addiction is starving and it caused me to do bad things for money to not be sick...again I was winging it.I am happy to say none of them use drug's or drink uncontrollably and the oldest is currently in law enforcement and he hates me,but I'm ok with that I let him and his mom down so I accept the way he feels about me, if he only knew how proud of him I truly am...anyways after 15 year's my wife put me out with no warning, no explanation, no anything So I raised my birth family while I was a kid and took all the bad habits they gave to my new family and in the end I have nothing but endless effort to try and arrest addiction one final time.Shiit instant depression it's about time I was getting tired of being happy. Stay Strong my friend's and dig,retrace everything you can remember before addiction and I pray at some point you will find the way out of that hole we all spend time in.

This has me thinking very hard.

Cause and effect but I lost twice and there is no fixing or healing these wounds all I can do is try to be aware of why I always lose.I am still winging it honestly, I don't know how to rebury some of this stuff and it is way over with so I guess I learned a caring heart will be filled with pain but that's the nature of compassion, it always starts out in your favor but the longer you show it the weaker people think you are but I accept that and I guess I am meant to absorb a lot of heart ache and failure,or up to this point anyway

About what?

Dang Bro. That story / life is wild one , I have many similarities in mine , Ie, Stepdad from 6 y/o who helped a-lot with $ but the LOVE was rare as was any affection . I'm 48 now & he still thinks i'm playing 'Anxiety , OCD, + (Slight Panic attacks), heck if so I need a room of awards like the Movie stars .

Anyway I may be wrong but I feel , numerous emotions coming from your post , and this hurts my soul .
You have overcame a-lot in life ( I turned 21 in Jail , crazy but in GA 17 y/o you are considered an Adult (so I got an extra year of convictions than the 18 y/o states .)

Def, Cool the way u met your wife , sorry that **** did not work out , & I hope the oldest Son can recall you trying to speak of the Dangers of drugs & the lifestyle. ... Yea u messed up , but we all have MANY times , look ahead & try not to let the past 'stall' you. Tho IMO We do need to recall the past learn from it but not take that Easy step to where we live in the past with it's guilt.
As you know this is way easier said than done .

I could say more but yr a smart dude & you can overcome this Hard life.
Davey

Thank you for taking the time to read and be genuine with your response. I honestly don't know why she even marred me,it's shameful to admit but I shot up 10 minutes before walking down the aisle,I got wasted and ruined our wedding night so we renewed our vows 3 time's even more shameful to admit I got wasted each one of those time's as well,I had the most amazing wife and thought she would never leave,5 year's later I still feel empty and lost without her but I have zero doubt she is living a happier life now so knowing that makes me want to smile but instead I'm fighting back tears,oh well as long as she is better off I can fight the rest until I'm gone.Take Care

Thanks for the thought but I avoid music for the most part anymore it's to hard on me emotionally...I know that sounds pathetic but so be it it's the truth

Totally off topic but I remember somehow you were constantly editing your post before you became a moderator.I don't think I'm wrong but I very well could be

Damn bro you vanished after this comment, did it upset you or something?

Brother I truly appreciate the effort you are putting into my thought perception, I almost commented yesterday when you first posted about perception but I'm glad I didn't, you are growing emotionally and I am proud of you and I will really work on thought perception. You keep making progress and so will I.Thanks for caring brother it means the world and I mean that

Your a good man,don't let anyone tell you otherwise

NOT CRAZY OR STUPID!!! i dont look i the mirror and say this to myself, however i have started doing something similar. i realized how much my subconcious mind controls my concious mind.
i have stopped (am trying to stop anyway) the daily mantra i tell myself that is that i am wortless and have taken not only half of my life away but half of my sons life. i really told myself these things while rididng down the road to work. often times i have had to pull into a parkijg lot and wipe the tears away before i showed up for a job so i didnt look like i had been raying my eyes out.

so i started saying positive things about how my life has turned around and how i was...for instance driving to a job to MAKE money not SPEND ALL OF MY MONEY ON DOPE! i stopped most of my crying while driving. it really is true. i cant dwell on the past only learn from it.

my family has taken me back and then some. my son loves me and always did, so why beat myself up? did i probbably ruin my marriage with my sons mom (we were to be wed in about a week before we broke up) YES! i did! but here i am with my son, lonely, but it could be worse. while i was killing myself with drugs i had 3 close family members die from diseses that were uncurable. i didnt die when i should have.

im getting off track but my point is to focus on the positive in life. very much easier said than done but i know it helps because i used to cry on the way to work. now i dont, i smile sometimes actually even. i dont share that much...i dont let people know how bad i hurt msot of the time. but its alot. @True concern youve got this brother. @Onceaddicted77 youve got this brother.

@every single person hurting, KEEP THE FAITH!
i love you all