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If you are at the end of your rope and you are feeling like giving up

Discussion in 'Sobriety Tips and Inspiration' started by Chenzhen43, Feb 1, 2019.

  1. Chenzhen43

    Chenzhen43 Member

    I hope my message can reach and help someone.

    I won't go into the drugs I've done and what it has done to me and my life and others lives who I have effected but let me tell you I had lost everything ,homeless on the street, needle marks, no friends and no family other than my mother

    I wanted to die I wanted to have a life again but I did not think that was possible because I was so far down in the pits. I seen no lights .

    Not only did I feel all was hopeless I kept asking and debating my self if I could even go on living after the depths I fell to and the Shane of becoming the one thing I always despised and hated all ny life .even as a young child. That is a junkie

    Some people can get up after a fall and just wipe away the dirt and go on and not give yesterday a second thought .I wish I was wired like those people. A conscious can quickly turn into a heavy anchor around your neck dragging you down and not allowing you to surface.

    I walked the streets either high or craving and feeling sick but the misery and depression from not just life but from my recent behavior was always there like a dark cloud. Even now as I type this to everyone that cloud is here .

    My first step back was just quiting the evil drugs, heroin and meth. More so heroin. Cause as you all know that is Satan incarnate and it doesn't want to let go it keeps its teeth in you till you are away from it for a long tine

    The heroin one day after my mother decided to finally give me a chance and get me off the streets i just said **** you too and had two Suboxone. I cut in pieces and just STOPED. It took me a good 18 months to get over those heroin pains and cravings. But if you just right now turn your back on it it will let you and take its teeth out if you and move on. But you must turn away and walk away from it for that to work

    If you can afford to go buy your next dose if heroin then you can afford to go to a clinic and get some Suboxone. You are going to have to force yourself

    This was 4 years ago. I have backslid a couple times. But I never went back to it. I fuxked up and did meth a couple times in the past four years and crack.

    I finally feel in my heart feel as if I have beaten the drugs. I won't bulkshit nine of you. I still take a pair. Pill here and there. But I have no desire or cravings for heroin or methampthine

    Conquering these drugs however is only the first step down this road of reclaiming your self and building a happy and meaningful life though.

    I am no longer a junkie nor do I still consider my self a drug addict. Don't buy into that once an addict always an addict rubbish. That is defeatist talk and if you tell yourself you are the. You will be and in more ways than. One. The mind is a funny thing and even the words and thoughts we had in our mind or coming out of our.niuths can have a huge part in your behavior. Your thought process is everything. Cause everything starts from right there. That is the first step we all take I. How we conduct ourselves and live our lives. Our mentality and how we think and believe

    But with all that being true I too an still down j. This deep dark hole because after you wake up from that drug filled haze you had been living in these past years you wake up in a thing called reality and that reality is going to be based around the consequences of your foolish and irresponsible behavior while you were. Junkie.

    I have not worked in 8 years so it is hard for me to find a decent job willing to take a chance on me, my name and reputation has been tarnished beyond repair, no one trust me anymore and rightfully so, I have no car or transportation ,the drugs have fucked up all if my teeth to where I don't hardly have any left on the bottom. Row which only adds to my lifelong battle with manic depression, I am all alone now cause the only person that was left that loved me and would always make me talk good about ny self and believe In my self and give me pep talks is dead. My wonderful mother.
    I have no friends and the one I do talk to we have been close friends since childhood I do not even know if I can trust or if he is still truly my friend or something else. I have a roof over my head at the moment.

    With all the above mentioned as in sure yiy can imagine it is very difficult for me to stay clean . As i said when I do use now it is pills and booze a Nd I'm not making excuses when I say I use those when I can as a coping device to help get me through each lonely day and night. Each constant cloud of depression. I have nothing in my life right now to nothing and no one that I can. Lean or see any happiness in or from.

    But I have set my goals for these next 11 months till 2020 and you need to make your own goals as well and strive each day to reach those goals no matter how insignificant they may be some. No matter if the goal today was to just go walj half a mile or if it was to roll out of bed and force yourself to do 10 crunches and sit ups. Accomplish those little goals and get your mind use to doing those things you have made an obligation to do that day and in time accomplishing those small goals will roll over and turn into accomplishing big goals.

    1. I absolutely must go to work I could write down any number of valid reasons why I can't or why it is difficult for me but valid reasons or not sometimes we just have to eat **** and stick out faces out there for a lunch to the nose And carry on.

    I have e got to find a way to accomplish this goal cause now this one is equal to importance as when I decided to quit heroin .. just as important it is just a different piece to this puzzle I am trying to put back together called my life

    When I have that one under my belt I must save and not live like a degenerate and go drink and eat my money away to buy a car of some kind. Any form of transportation .with out that you are practically grounded and it makes life much more stressfuk and difficult even more so when you have e some health issues

    Step 3 is coming full circle from where I left off when I acquired my drug addiction and find my own home. No matter if it is a one bedroom. Shack above someone's garage. So long as it's mine and I am happy and clean and both mentally and physically in good shape

    Next ..and while many always say yiy don't need anyone but you to be happy and you must be happy with yourself before you can be with anyone else. To that I say everyone idea of happiness is different and I never had a problem living my self before drugs. I always suffered depression. And crying spells. But I always fought that the right way through exercise and healthy living. ThR did not cure it but it was enough to always get me through to the next day and then take up the fight again. I will not use depression meds. I absolutely refuse. As i said exercise and being healthy is not a fix but it does the trick and that was always good enough for me then and it will be again now.

    Family was always important to me when I was little .maybe because I never had much of one. My mother was everything to me when I was a little kid. She was my best friend. I was a fat kid with no friends who got picked on a lot in elementary school and she was my protector. She would let me stay home fron school and we would hang out all day go to restaurants and play video games as an adult now i know those were not responsible decisons or proper parenting but she mesnt well and she gave me all the love a son could have hoped for we were always together but she was also a drug addict and alcoholic and I lost her to drugs first time at 13 and a half and the second and final time in 2016.

    I've always craved and had a longing for family and she. I have achieved the previous goals I hope to find a good woman and be married one day. No one wants to grow old alone but i have got to be on my feet and living a good healthy respectable life again before I can hope or look for that cause no good woman will take me or any other man for that matter if he doesn't have his life in order and his head in straight. The only type if woman I or you could ever ha e in this current state we are in is another jubkie and I refuse to ever date a drug addict and some of yiy may say that's being a hypocrite but it's not. That is a reciepie for failure and misery. It's not even. Worth considering

    Well this turned into a long rant my goal here was to reach someone who feels like giving up and throwing in the towel. I did too. I'm just barely beyond that point now but what matters is that I am and I can still have all the good things in this life that makes life worth living and so. An yiy but yiy have to walj away from. Heroin. First guys. Heroin and meth. You can't say I'm going to quit a little at a time or keep saying tomorrow.

    You have to do it today right now.

    It's not gojbg to be easy and it shouldn't be easy it should he the fight for. Hell and it has been for me and continues to be.only now unlike when I was using heroin and meth I have one thing on my side again


  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Chenzhen43 hello there. thank you so much for sharing part of your life story and goals here. i'm glad to hear your optimism and drive!! you go ahead and keep to your plan.... and know that we will be here cheering you on no matter what!! come here anytime for encouragement or support.... a great group of people here!

    nothing of value usually is easy!!

    i pray you find that job soon... we call it into fruition!!! i always say getting a job is a numbers game... you just keep trying and trying and trying.... the more you try, the better your odds are!

    have a beautiful day.
    Joshstillclean, Sonia and deanokat like this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Thanks for your post, @Chenzhen43. And welcome to the community. It's great that you have set goals and are working on achieving them. I'm sending you tons of positive juju and hope you find a job very soon. Thanks again for inspiring!
    Joshstillclean, Sonia and Dominica like this.
  4. Chenzhen43

    Chenzhen43 Member

    Thanks everyone.
    Joshstillclean, Dominica and deanokat like this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You're life almost mirrors mine exactly, my friend I believe in you and you can absolutely do this,please lean on us all the time
  6. jayninjaut

    jayninjaut Member

    Thank you for sharing your story I've felt the same way and sadly Ive been able to hide the majority of my use even though Ive used non-stop opiates mainly for 13 years other than three years in prison where I still used whenever I could. But Its helped life me up today because Im on day 6 of no use and its so hard my mind has screwed me I hate pot but just to get out of my own drug crazed mind I smoked a bunch of weed and it helped I've still not slept much but I'm feeling good enough not just to lay in bed and mind screw myself.
    Good Luck stay strong I need the mental help cause I screw with my mind all day

    Joshstillclean and Dominica like this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Congrats on Day 6, @jayninjaut. That's good progress. Just be careful with the weed. You don't want to end up dependent on it.

    Proud of you for the progress you've made. Keep updating us on how you're doing, okay? We're here and we care.

    Sending you lots of positive energy, hope, and encouragement.
    Joshstillclean and Dominica like this.
  8. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @jayninjaut yes, congrats on day 6... that's great.

    know we are here to support you anytime.
    Joshstillclean and deanokat like this.
  9. Joyfull

    Joyfull Member

    Dear Chenzhen43:
    Never give up on your Dream of having your own Family and Work! I am engaged to be married to a man who went to Prison for a long long time because of drugs. He had never married and always felt he didn't deserve to be happy. He gave up drugs, and discovered when he came out of Prison, no one wanted to hire him. So he started his own Business! He began his business on a very very small scale. But it is HIS Business! You have overcome so much -- and you will continue to overcome! You need your fine mind to be able to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps"! So I'm praying you get off all drugs of any kind! Remember, we are Not Junk! We have everything necessary to be able to overcome all the obstacles that Negativity (satan) throws at us!! You just need to Plan your work, and Work your Plan!!! Sending Positive thoughts your way... Joyfull
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  10. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

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  11. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Agreed! :)
    Joshstillclean and Dominica like this.
  12. Jakepup

    Jakepup Active Contributor

    Thank you for sharing your story because it has given me some I need help and I know it will reach a lot of others
    Joshstillclean, Dominica and deanokat like this.
  13. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Jakepup glad this has helped you! what a beautiful dog in your pic! wow!

    Feel free to come here anytime... we are here to offer encouragement and support.
  14. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    about a year and a half ago i was coming here in need of help also. i am a very emotional person. always have been. i was in tears i was hurting so badly when i came here.
    reading that others need help, now that i know that this can be overcome, makes me cry again. every bit as hard. because i feel for you so much. i know thaat you want to be free so badly. and i know how desperate you feel.
    but no need to feel that way! i promise you no need! if you just stop, and hang in there it really does get better. i weep as i type this because i wish i could give away this knowlege. i can't though, and sadly most people won't believe it. i was one of those people that didn't believe it.
    please be encouraged. you are not alone. you can heal. i love you all. i really do.
    deanokat and Jakepup like this.
  15. Jakepup

    Jakepup Active Contributor

    You are absolutely right I worked a great program for many years and was so active in going into rehabs and talking and having a brother die from this and so many friends and what kills me the most is that I haven’t use drugs in 11 years except for the pain pills which is from all the surgeries and yet the doctors put me on the ZUBS saying it’s going to help me and this is the worst with drawls I’ve ever had so yet again thank you thank you thank you for loving me when I can’t love myself so much yet
  16. Jakepup

    Jakepup Active Contributor

    Thank you so much she is my baby girl and I feel so bad I am with her every day all day given her lots of walks and it’s been 16 days since I’ve been able to I mean my friends have and I have to hire a walker but it breaks my heart
  17. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    yeah they dont tell yo about the horrible w/d's from subs only that it'll help with cravings. not only soed it help it knocks them out. you don't want an opioid ever again. but it really - any type of Sub product - needs to be researvved for people who are going to kill themselves on something stronger or have no other route to go, or chronic pain, that sort of thing. it is deffinately a strong medication that should be reserved for the worst off patients. otherwise it will in itself make you worse off. if you were already free of opioids then i think a naloxone shot should have been the route for you but thats just my opinion.
    deanokat likes this.
  18. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I wish doctors would be totally forthcoming about the effects and side effects of all drugs, including how hard it will be to stop taking it. If I had known what a nightmare quitting Klonopin was gonna be, I never would've started taking it when my doctor prescribed it for me. Jesus, just tell people exactly what they're getting into. How hard would that be??? </rant>
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  19. Jakepup

    Jakepup Active Contributor

    I agree with you wholeheartedly I probably should have. no wonder that Dr. is somehow vanished I’m not naïve but it was a hard time in my life and I just listened to what the damn doctor said and I paid for it still am but getting better
  20. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    the dr that put me on oxycontin -because it was better for depression than my current painkiller,no joke- is in jail now. i'm guilty of taking bad dr.'s advice when i was in a low point in life. truth is as soon as i swallowed that oxycontin i knew the "not as addictive" thing was a load of crap.
    i took it because he was right-i was depressed and it helped. heck, heroin does cure depression--for a short time. then it all backfires.
    Onceaddicted77, deanokat and Dominica like this.