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If you can't beat them, join them?

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by aimeep80, May 12, 2015.

  1. aimeep80

    aimeep80 Senior Contributor

    Hi all, I just wanted to get some opinions on this popular quote. I am curious as to how many of you drink with your addicted loved one, simply because you feel that they will do it anyway, so you may as well join them. I have seen many people do this and I feel that it is obviously very unhealthy to do. I feel that it gives the addicted person another "excuse" as to why they "can't" quit. I actually tried this approach years ago with my alcoholic husband. I figured if he wanted to drink all the time, I could do it with him sometimes to at least do something together. I did this for a bit until I discovered how bad it was when I was a member of another forum geared towards alcoholism and addiction and how it affects loved ones. So, have you done this or do you do this?
  2. MyDigitalpoint

    MyDigitalpoint Community Champion

    "If you can beat them, join them!..." This saying could be considered a double-edge sword because it could be very true when joining the "enemy" provides you with a gain or tacit win that contributes to achieve a goal that has to be worth, but sinking in addiction is never worth nor something one should be pursuing.

    In the need to keep it up with an addict partner, one may lose it all including health if not life itself due to an overdose. If someone loves a person should try to be patient with his or her addiction and be ready to help when help is asked for.

    Trying to ask someone who does not have the inner conviction to quit addiction is preaching in the desert and might be cause of quarrels as well. Even though, joining him or her in addiction is a kind of suicide for no reason at all.

    To join them if they cannot be beaten, it's necessary have common sense and evaluate the consequences of doing such a thing.
    aimeep80 likes this.
  3. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    I think this quote should not be applied when it comes to addiction. Joining them could just make them think that their being addicted is just okay and fun since they are being joined with their family. Better to show strong dislike towards it to make it clear that it is a bad thing.
    bubblycake and aimeep80 like this.
  4. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    Lol, OP, this is how my drinking problem started! I joined my mom for a couple drinks when I was younger, I didn't know better back then, but now I do. I'd never do such a thing ever again, no matter what it is, drugs, alcohol or smoking. No way in hell I''d join my best friend in his smoking habit. NEVER EVER.

    So I agree with what everyone else has said... this quote shouldn't be applied to addictions at all. It's actually terrible to even think about it. Some of my addict friends tried to push me into stronger drugs back in the day, glad I didn't listen. So if your addict friends ever want you to join them... that means it's time to search for new friends!
    aimeep80 likes this.
  5. aimeep80

    aimeep80 Senior Contributor

    Thank you all for your replies and opinions on this subject. I totally agree that "joining" the addict is a dangerous situation. I appreciate all of the replies!
  6. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    Join them? No. Walk away would be much better if you are afraid that you might get tempted to "join them." Addiction is an illness. No one willingly wants to get ill both literally and metaphorically. Who'll help the other if everyone gets ill? So whether your attempts to get someone you love stop using drugs don't bear fruit, you never should give up on them.

    Persistence sometimes does pay off when you least expect it.
    aimeep80 likes this.
  7. amethyst

    amethyst Community Champion

    I never regarded drinking "as something to do". In fact, the thought alone of hanging around with an alcoholic and getting drunk, makes me feel like I want to run away from the scene as fast as I can. Getting drunk feels like death to me. I used to drink to knock myself out, and to numb my physical or emotional pains. I put myself into a kind of personal "tomb" with it. So, joining others doing the same, is unthinkable for me.
    aimeep80 likes this.
  8. whitenoise

    whitenoise Senior Contributor

    I had an addicted loved one but never joined them. You don't have to put your life under risk just because a near person is doing it. I mean you have to be conscious of what you're doing and if you're not then you'll end up doing stupid things. Never underrate addicted substances.
    aimeep80 likes this.
  9. Rubyrose

    Rubyrose Member

    I don't think that quote is something that should be applied to addiction. You may end up becoming addicted and that in turn may cause more problems. You can cause yourself health issues, and financial issues. If you both had the same addiction, you would end up spending more money on the addiction.
    aimeep80 likes this.
  10. katherine25

    katherine25 Senior Contributor

    I personally don't think that is a smart choice at all. there is no reason to put your self in any danger if you don't have to. My opinion is to try to help your partner any way you can.
    aimeep80 likes this.
  11. mwin43587

    mwin43587 Active Contributor

    I don't believe in that saying. Fortunately no one drinks in my family. My friends drink almost every time we are together, even without an occasion. I just drink water or juice when we are having a good time, and they are always forcing me to just at least taste an alcohol drink. But I never tried, I do not even know what alcohol tastes. Well honestly, I am still happy that my friends are just addicted to alcohols and not to drugs.
  12. ella

    ella Member

    What would one do if you saw a loved one ready to jump on a cliff? Would you tell them to..

    A. STOP!
    B. Go on jump. Here let me help you.

    I lived with my husband for 9 years with an on and off addiction, never did I joined him nor taste anything. I firmly believe people with addiction needs someone strong to keep them together not someone who will give up fighting for them to get clean. That's not loving and that's not helping. That's the craziest thing one can do.
    aimeep80 likes this.
  13. aimeep80

    aimeep80 Senior Contributor

    I agree...When I did this it was prior to him getting into rehab and prior to me gaining knowledge on addiction. Thankfully I know better now.
  14. 6up

    6up Community Champion

    Why can't they join you in your state of not drinking. If they can't beat you let them join you. You need to be strong to make them stop drinking and join you. Be proud of your current status and use your developments as examples. They will come to learn and join you.
  15. peter021

    peter021 Member

    I surmise that quote is for losers or if i say, an alternative solution for be not baffle for not overcoming them, particularly on this case, i don't think it is pleasant to take after that adage on this circumstance, it will simply exacerbate the case. Just help them, don't be one of them, just my cup of tea :D
  16. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    This phrase..."If you can't beat them..join them..." I think should not be in the mind of those people who is losing hope on how they could stop their love ones or friends to their addiction. I think instead of making things to work out, the more the situation will becomes worst. There are still other ways in order to fix these things in a right way.
  17. PerkyNorm4u

    PerkyNorm4u Member

    I don't believe that even for a bit. Nobody in the right mind wants someone to be addicted to something that is bad for them. If you will tolerate them, then you're giving them no reason to quit and joining them means tolerating them. You should encourage them to stop or at least be a distraction so that they can't do what they usually do. You should lead them towards a healthy life and not drag them further down the alley.
  18. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Somehow when you care about someone and you watch them with alcohol it just is a turn off if they act up. My mother hid it for years. Pills and booze. I had no clue thought she was just a bitch. Lol. Now I look in her mug or check the bottle. I really have no desire for alcohol anymore. I've not had any in quite awhile. It has a lot of junk in it anyway so to me what is the point.
  19. Jasmine2015

    Jasmine2015 Community Champion

    As some people have said here, the quote shouldn't be applied to addiction. If everyone uses the " if you can't beat them, join them" phrase then who would take on the battles of addiction? Who would continue to do things such as provide treatment centers, dedicate time to become educated on how to help addicts, ect? Sometimes we have very hard roadblocks to overcome. The harder the road block, the harder you will have to work to overcome it.
  20. mickella18

    mickella18 Active Contributor

    Actually, I see the concept behind this odd choice. If you join them in the right way, you can actually demonstrate to them their wrongdoings. If you really want to make things interesting, go all out by incorporating a little acting.