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I'm a mess of issues yet I still try.

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Thestoryteller1, Jan 27, 2015.

  1. Thestoryteller1

    Thestoryteller1 Active Contributor

    Here is a short summary: I have overcome PTSD, depression, and (partially) social anxiety. I am still in the process of fully ordering my life (meeting more new friends, improving my relationship, getting to earn enough money) but I am doing a lot better. There was a time I had an issue getting out of bed, for weeks, the most I did was get up to eat or take small walk and...yeah, it was hell...anyway...
    Now a lot of my life is better, but I can't stop watching too much TV daily. I have a friend with an eating disorder, a friend that tried to kill herself and I lost someone to alcohol addiction 2 years ago (he was in recovery and supposedly better, which made it so much more shocking). I'm in the years where I have to be choosing career and having fun and enjoing life, but oh well, here we are. I have to manage this somehow. It's been though few years. I'm doing all I can to recover and improve myself, and be there for my friends as much as I can. I have great friends and boyfriend, so I have what to fight for, although, of course, talking about it is easier than dealing with it...anyway, here I am, trying...
    orangesunset and RingoBerry like this.
  2. kaidera

    kaidera Member

    Hey, thanks for having the courage to share your (summarized) story with us. I'm not even being condescending. I'm coming from a place of knowing that, at least for me, admitting a lot of that is really hard. I'm also really impressed that you've worked through so many difficult issues. I have moderate anxiety that seems to be creeping up on me more and more, and that's a daily struggle. My only knowledge on PTSD is from what I have seen on TV. I'm not sure if that is something you would want to talk more about, but if so I'm here to listen. :)

    Also, screw getting out of the house. That too is really hard. What's helped me so far is connecting with people who seem to have their stuff together and go outside to do things. I've been peer pressured into going to school again, and getting a full time job. I think left to my own devises it would be a much more bleak situation.

    Have you thought about joining a class on GroupOn, or reconnecting with some friends and trying to go and have fun? Do you have anything that interests you that you think you'd want to work on?
  3. Thestoryteller1

    Thestoryteller1 Active Contributor

    Thank you for saying all this, nicely said too:). Admitting was hard, but I've worked on my expressions a lot, and I simply don't want to keep everything in anymore.
    I do have the daily struggle part, though it's of course much better now. Some issues return every once in a while of course, but now I know it's just a moment. I honestly had never heard of PTSD until it happened to me, and I thought I was going crazy from all the ways it affected me. SO happy I'm out of it. I don't really mind talking about it. I think part of why it was so awful was that I had no idea what was happening. I think if I understood what it was I would have known that I have to deal with what caused it sooner than I did. I think people should know that those things happen, PTSD, depression, anxiety. May be then we will know better how to deal with them if they do happen.
    As far as how hard it was...well, it was my own personal hell. But I had people that loved me, and I knew that if I get myself better there will be a good life for me one day...so I made it my own little project to deal with all those issues. To talk, write, vent, connect, go to counselling and do exercises until things improve. Even when I wasn't sure they will. It took a long time. But it's all it takes really, perseverance. My friend with eating disorder knew what I was doing and tried to do the same and figure out her own issues, and for like a year, it seemed like things are only going to worse, and then finally, in the last 2 months things are starting to pay off for her. She is on recovery program, she is making positive improvements in her life...it's starting to work.
    I will check what GroupOn is, never heard of it. I did online class on Coursera, but I seem to join in and never finish them lately...:( I did push myself today, and made some social plans starting tomorrow, and I already have some plans over the coming week. That will help a little, I'm sure. I have lots of interests to work on, I guess I've just been afraid that I've lost my ability to do them lately...I dance (ballet, and since I'm paying for classes, I do go to it, plus they are like family, it's always my place to let it all go and vent in form of exercise). I draw, and although I'd stopped for a while, I made it point to draw on occasion over this past year. I did may be 10 drawings through the last year, some just sketches, but it was a start. Lately I've been trying to every once in a while substitute resting with TV with resting with drawing, and after I finish I always feel like my night was much better than after watching. Getting myself to do it is harder, though it gets easier with time. I did it twice in the last 10 days. I think it will get more and more with time. I will also try to join some events with people I don't know, I feel that will be useful. I should also try some things to join, things to do, events happening in my city, taking pictures...I used to have such appetite for trying new things and my life has been such bad blend of TV, work, and occasion indulgence with dance and social plans...I really need more of the last 2 things.
    Sorry I'm writing so long. I guess I didn't get how much I have needed to vent for a while.
    kaidera likes this.
  4. kaidera

    kaidera Member

    You draw? Hey! That's awesome! I have about zero artistic ability. Seriously, check out my work I just did:

    http://imgur.com/v6lP4L9

    What kind of sketches do you do? How long have you been doing that for? My bad, I just get excited about art stuff. I'm also impressed with the ballet classes. That, in my mind, isn't a casual thing, but something that takes dedication and skill. How did you get into that? (Promise I'll hold off on more questions).

    As far as the PTSD part goes, what you said about not knowing what was going on being terrifying? Yeah. Just, yes, I agree. After a few years I realized that what I was calling "mental checkouts" was actually episodes of dissociating. Those were terrifying, and knowing what is going on as made it 10x easier to calm down, get myself back together. Also like you said, having people around to help support you makes a huge difference. I had an ex who really wanted me to go to the doctor and get some kind of medication but I was really concerned with how it would effect me, so I've been dealing with it on my own up to this point.
  5. Thestoryteller1

    Thestoryteller1 Active Contributor

    :) Nice pic:D. I draw, yes. I'd like to think I'm good at it, too. Kinda runs in the family. Not really, as I don't think it's a gene, but my mom draws and I guess both me and my brother got influenced by that from early age, so it's kind of...one of the things I can do that I enjoy, where I don't have to really put that much effort in. In university I had painting in one exhibit we did:).
    Sketches...it depends really, but right now I do 2 very seperate things depending on mood: a. do some drawing or sketch that represents an emotion (like a whole scene that shows a story) and there I do with any medium and I just do it for getting emotion out b. lately I'm doing every once in a while a drawing from each basics as I never covered them properly and seriously trying to get better- landscapes, human figure, portraits, fruit plates and all that, in pastels, and watercolor and so on. Even if you aren't great at drawing it's such a release, you're trying to represent a tiny bit of the world in some way, and ...well, it's also fun, especially dry pastel, you can mix colors like child, and then you have your hands in all kinds of colors...it's fun:).
    Ballet class, well, at some point I had gained weight, and trying to work out at home was not working, I was losing interest. I used to like dance, like, latin dance and so on, but I was now at different period of my life so I wanted to try something different. I thought I won't like ballet because of how classic and controlled it is, but I guess when my life was so out of control, it actually felt good idea to try something like that...So I went to one class, with the anxiety and all hold ups I had and I just knew I was horrible at it. And that I REALLY loved it, more than any dance I've tried. And so I had to stay, and commit, and see how far I can do:).
    About PTSD, I guess the thing is, when it's happening you think it's like this horrible mess of things that affect you, like you're being punished...when really, it's your brain finally being ready to deal with whatever it was that got you there in a first place. But the thing is, you can't sleep, you're anxious, you can't eat, you have flashbacks all the time and those are really exhausting and can get you into panic attacks (to clarify, flashbacks are when some sound, touch or anything else triggers you and you remember something, but have feeling that it's happening in the present moment). So while your body is purging all those memories and you constantly have to face those flashbacks it's a bit like having a really bad flu that you can't control. It just hits you anywhere, and it's exhausting. Which in turn makes you tired and emotional, and you become a mess of feelings from one moment to another, anxious, sad, terrified, angry. I don't quite know how to explain it all, but it's bad. Everything starts being too much. You have the concentration of a toddler, and everything startles you, and you can't do your job right. You can get triggered on the bus or when you see your friends, and then you have to explain. Or worse, if you don't get what you're going through, you can start wondering why everything feels so bad, why you make excuses to avoid regular situation (because they are a trigger and your mind knows it, but if you don't know what you're going through you may think something's wrong with you), why you can't be around people and so on. This may be a horrible explanation, I'm tired. I guess also...you have flashbacks and nightmares and erratic emotions, so you start to see everything through that lense and overcomplicated everything through thousand loops, all coming down to your mind trying to protect you from things that may be dangerous to you. A bad day doesn't seem like 1 bad day, but like it may break you, you feel like you can't handle things, it's really bad. And unlike in TV shows, it lasts more than a day or 1 session at counselling. It can take months, depending.
  6. bluedressed

    bluedressed Community Champion

    Hey! Wow, I cannot bring myself to read these wall of texts completely right now, but I get the way you feel especially when you say "I'm in the years where I have to be choosing career and having fun and enjoing life, but oh well, here we are."
    The thing is I don't have stuff like PTSD or anything this bad (I mean, I would know if I had it, right?? I just call my bad things funks and be done with it but maybe they could diagnose something out of it I have no idea) so it makes me even worse because I don't "have an excuse" so to say? Being too absorbed in distracting myself and doing nothing to get on with my life and accomplish things.

    Though I remember a Ted Talk of a woman who made the app/game/thing SuperBetter. To get people overcoming stuff to get their life back on track through a sort of game. Here's the talk:
    http://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_the_game_that_can_give_you_10_extra_years_of_life#t-1009135

    I personally use HabitRPG.org to keep me doing at least some stuff daily. If I lose track of it a while though I have trouble going back.

    I like to draw too and write and it's even on my "Daily" list and yet I cannot bring myself to do these things every day. Oh well.
  7. elles-belles

    elles-belles Community Champion

    This is a really touching story and seems to me like you have been through quite a bit in a short space of time! I am glad that you haven't curled up and waited to die, that you are pushing on and looking forward in a daily basis. Your story is an inspirational one, you are displaying courage and an attitude of never letting the illness take over.
    Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best!
  8. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    Thanks for sharing your story and hopefully it has helped you in some way. I've been in a similar spot and I think one of the biggest tips for this is to not be too hard on yourself, as I've found that being too self critical will only contribute more to the cycle of negativity. As long as you are making improvements daily then that's all that should matter, even though they might look minuscule at the moment.
  9. orangesunset

    orangesunset Active Contributor

    All you can do is to try your best, and the best is all you can do. A lot of us are in the process of putting our lives back together, and we have so many problems, it often hard to know where to start. Just keep sticking in there, like you are doing, and eventually things will get better. It took a while for our lives to get screwed up, it takes a while for them to get fixed.
  10. jeremy2

    jeremy2 Community Champion

    And try you must.Don't loose focus.Keep up the fight.Your goals are within your grasp.Only you can determine your destiny.You've overcome so much and i can feel the immense potential that you have in you to make it in life.Engage in something productive to keep away the negative energy and with the support of your friends,victory and prosperity will surely be on your side.
    Thestoryteller1 likes this.
  11. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    "If at first you don't succeed, try. try again". What else can we do in this life that throws us so many curve balls. The others preceding me offered some useful suggestions. You have a talent. I would love to see some of work.
  12. Matthodge1

    Matthodge1 Community Champion

    Everyone crawls before they can walk. Failure is a part of growing and that's what, as humans, we were meant to do. Don't be ashamed to ask for help and if you fall short sometimes, so what? You are talented. Be proud and don't be ashamed of failure.
  13. matt1rl

    matt1rl Member

    Trying is all we can do. No one ever guaranteed us happiness, and we are not guaranteed tomorrow. We must live for today while planning for tomorrow. Life is a balance, but each day is a gift and we are glad to be experiencing it. I can relate to you and your multiple diagnoses. It is hard, and sometimes there are treatment options available we have not tried before. I like to believe there is hope in every day. :)
  14. Thestoryteller1

    Thestoryteller1 Active Contributor

    Well, I can tell you that you would know if you had PTSD...you at least you would know that you are going through something worse than anything else so far, definitely worse than "bad thing funk":). But I do have to say, we as humans tend to handle well some hard situations and then get caught up in the small things. The thing is the moment you are over the really bad things, your mind needs to protect you, so in time you start to forget how bad it trully feels...and then you start getting caught up in every day stuff again. It's survival mechanism. If we remembered how bad thigns can be you can never get over them.
    Both the TED talk and the habit rpg seem trully interesting, I will check them out, thank you!
    I did the "curling up and wanting to die" part for a little, but then I knew that unless I decide to at least try, I really can't live much longer with that amount of pain. So I had to start working on things, or hurt myself in ways from which I would never recover. I knew I am still doing some unhealthy things to keep going, but even so after a while - even if that means years- I would regain myself. And if I allowed myself to hurt myself in those other, worse ways, there would be no recovering from that, I would single handedly destoroy myself. And there would be no going back. And so I chose to try.
  15. imperivm1

    imperivm1 Community Champion

    Your worries are trifling. Just about everyone around you has the same problems you've had. The difference is that they managed to cope better with their situations than you did. That's nothing to be ashamed of. You seem to have your life together - you've got a boyfriend, you're not taking drugs or abusing alcohol; in my eyes, your life is wonderful. Watching too much TV is not a deadly sin, nor anything you couldn't stop doing if you wanted to. Chin up and appreciate what you have now, and don't regret the past. Everything happens for a reason.
  16. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Hello there, Thestoryteller1!

    It's obvious that you've been through a lot of issues in life, not just only you, but also your friends had a fair share of sufferings. But I'm happy that you're really trying your best to overcome these things. You're not just only doing this for yourself, but you also want to be of help to your friends. That's really very nice of you. I hope you continue on your journey through the path of recovery and happiness. God speed.
    Thestoryteller1 likes this.
  17. anne16

    anne16 Active Contributor

    We all have issues and in some sort of a mess, its just that we deal with them differently. However, there's nothing to be ashamed of if we seemed to be weaker than the others. By admitting to ourselves that there is a problem is already a big step towards that better outlook.
  18. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Just do not stop trying and hoping that there will be better days.
    We might have been suffering from different issues in life and we need to be still living. Right that easier said than done but still better if there are things being done than doing nothing at all.
  19. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    It's better to have tried than to have not made an effort at all. That alone should make you proud of yourself. The fact that you tried shows that you are more than willing to change your life for the better. It's just that a few things are hindering you from getting to where you want to be. Take it one day at a time. You will no doubt get there. Invest in the love people are giving you and think of this love and what you can do to repay it whenever you're on the verge of giving up.