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I'm having several issues & it's bringing me Waaay down.

Discussion in 'Share Your Detox Experience' started by Davers, Dec 22, 2019.

  1. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    I'm no master writer but for times sake ill likely misspell words ' puncuation . LOL Ill leave that mistake up , as we all have common sense .

    Also since nobody listens to me around here , except my counsler at my MM Clinic. Oh ..The New Ozzy Song just came on , & this song reminds me of how I feel Now.
    Midlife crisis ??? IDK ?

    Ill say this all started in mid March ( I may have mentioned this part already , if so bare with me please) thx
    2019 began like most new years since I got on SSIDA , Medicaid , basically in 2008-
    I had a routine , I love to metal detect , esp since I live in a Civil War area but the child in me loves finding Treasure or interesting old lost or discarded items from the past .
    I used to go detecting 2 maybe 3 times a week ( if the Humidity is under 50% & the temp is under 95 0 ) ... I past summers i'd detect strait through (usually early in the AM ) but this year since Fathers Day I've only gone detecting 5 times the last being on Sun Dec 8.. TMI maybe but my OCD makes me tell this story a certain way.:(.
    Well in March right before a family members B Day. I dropped my dose by 5 mg , Note I had very short adjustment periods after each drop , i was on 30 mg for 2+ years before my 5 mg drop.
    By the end of March I felt normal or My Normal. April was good May was cool but in June things started to change. NOTE as I think this is important , I smoked weed from age 13 -38-or 40. I quit for my clinic , Crazy Dr. & I was ready, as I don't smoke right . "Right" meaning to much with a little OCD involved in that.

    In late June I made a decision to get my 'GA low THC CBD Oil ' Card. $300+
    The lady that I trust that works at my Crazy Dr's office "said " with the card you can get Oil , Bud , Now in AL or FL , I should have done my research as even now, Dec 22. I don't know of a place to get the LthcCBD;
    So I've had to indulge in the regular way & it's costing me out the rear.

    Well I've had an Ulcer in the upper part of my stomach since my endoscopy in 2014 , Dr , gave prescription prilosec but my ins, would not cover it , that said I've been taking Tagamet for 15 years & it's kept my stomach under control + Daily Methadone to numb the pain .

    About May it got to where I was exhausted all the time and could barely get out of bed. It reminded me when I was on 120 mg of done a day. Hated that. As Oxy , Hydro Sped me up , Coke & Meth shut me down with extreme anxiety .

    Took my first hit of pot on or around June 17, ..I did some serious self inventory that night , after the paranoia of course. Another Story.o_O

    Around July 11 we went on our first Va-K in 8 years to Daytona , the heavy sleepyness had subsided by then but it was still hard for me to get out of bed even with a beautiful beach right outside the sliding door , It was a good time.:)

    Went through a week or more of insomnia around the end of July (tho it was not that bad) ; anyhow my Tiredness continued along with 0 motivation or barely any.

    Cruz-ed through Aug , Sept feeling the same , then in Oct My Ulcer began waking me up a 4-5 6-7 AM & would not feel better until I got up then it would just be a dull 'hunger type ' pain the rest of the day.
    All this is still the same to this day , I'm gonna try to go to the Dr, this week 'Monday ' but everytime I see him he judges me . Oh Well !

    Then around 7 weeks ago , I started having this , Irritating , dull feeling under my testes ( I call it Restless Nut Syndrome.) It's super bad when I drive ( torturous really ) now it's doing it at different times a day , Worst when my Ulcer wakes me up , the other condition starts & I have to sit a certain way , 'Cup ' The Boy's in my hand until I can calm down.

    I know lots have it MUCH! worse than me but ( No I do not want to die ) but have prayed if this is goona be my life everyday , take me home " but your will not mine " .

    P.S. For what it's worth , I did go back up to 30 mg 'MD' a day back in September.
    God Bless .
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    You have a LOT of stuff going on @Davers ,I think metal detecting sounds fun(Not sure if that equipment can harm your "boys") or not but that is the first thing I thought of.I have a pretty severe ulcer myself and the only pill that helps is zantac 150mg tablets or a tall glass of really cold milk,it's like drinking liquid fire extinguisher lol.I suffer from insomnia as well,but here lately my head Dr has me so medicated I sleep around 4-5 hour's..which is a win for me for sure.i am happy to hear you don't want to die my friend as we would all miss you greatly,I enjoy your presence as do other's I'm more than sure.I don't know if you see a Dr for your OCD or not because I have ADHD and can't remember if you mentioned that or not:confused:it's the truth and to me slightly humorous that one of my disorders won't allow me to remember one of yours,in full detail anyone.You sure do remember month's and year's very well as I struggle with yesterday:confused:that's also true I don't think I'm being very helpful here as my new meds have me kinda :rolleyes::(:eek::eek::oops:o_Oo_Oo_O:mad:;);):):):);),it's nuts all these fluctuating emotions so I leave you with this my friend.Have a wonderful blessed evening and take care
    Davers likes this.
  3. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    Thanks for this reply it made me feel better ( Misery loves Company ) .

    Don't worry about not recalling certain things , I have trouble with names , B-Days & Pin # 's & I tell 6 stories at one time , the family hates that . lol

    You come across "Chipper " or Happier I hope it lasts forever , you will always hit speed bumps BUT ! You 'We can concur them everytime and end up back on solid flat ground until the next .

    If this Stress etc, don't kill us it def, makes us stronger.

    I go to my Crazy Dr, as my late Mother used to call them . for Med OCD , I get Prozac , for that but after 25 years off and on and 11 years strait , I want to quit it or go to a lower dose , tho I have dropped from 60 mg a day to 40 over the past 3 nights , I never really had a problem coming off SSRI's . I get Alprazloam for Slight to Med panic attacks ( they were more severe as was the OCD from 11 -28 ish but I learned to calm myself or practice avoidance behavior ,
    Then saw a my 1st Crazy Dr . Got Paxil + other SSRI's at first I was ill , I wanted Xanax 1 & 1 half mg a day was all I wanted , funny my Mom called up there 'Said something ' as Her 20 Dr, practiced in the same office. but My Dr . then called in 2 mg a day of K-Pin, that worked wonderful just as the occasional Xanax from Mom did.
    I had quit drinking at this time , I started back Drinking again in Sept ? 1999, I never 'Recall" taking K-pin while drinking but upon getting up in the Afternoon or Night I'd take the K-PIN but it was so long acting that 6-12 hours later when I could force a few brews down just to feel better then start my night & with the K-pin being so long acting I was blacking out a-lot earlier & more often . Well as I said within 1 year I caught more charges & could not afford the Dr , anymore . Jim Beam Green Label 90 proof , loved it .

    Concerning the ulcer , I had it in 1998 , I recall getting up with that hunger pain before a long day of Dry Wall Work.!
    A piece of a honey bun would cure it & Milk ? Heck yea that helped instantly .
    I took Tagamet at that time ( As a Xanax intensifier & cause prozac gave me heartburn.)
    I been taking it for 20 years , WOW, I always heard not to mix antacids but I m doing the Prilosec 4 week course , 1 tab a day , i'm on day 4 it seems to last about 6-8 hours 'I try to take it at 4-6 am so I won't wake up with pain.

    I been reading about different antacids , I do think they don't want people taking the Zantac anymore , I've also seen Lawyer commercials saying "if you have taken Zantac & developed Kidney or other issues call us NOW!
    So u may want to look into that .

    Funny yesterday I totally forgot the other issue I been having since early August , I sleep decently , wake up several times a night & i'm cool then. Then once it gets to be 10 11 or 1 pm ; I've been waking up with pretty bad panic attacks ( I can control them , for now) but it takes 10 + min for my Heart to stop pounding, & the feeling of Dread starts to subside . I really am scared to wake up lately.

    This has happened a handful of times in the past but that was when I was drinking everyday ...up all night drinking sleep all day . Back then as I was waking up I had what I called Heart Palpation's & Fear just like now but it was easier back then , i recall that happening on 5-10 times but never every night!

    Yes I have had Sleep paralysis before but not in 10+ years that's some scary stuff.

    I don't think my Detector puts off any 'Cell phone ' type signals but thx I never thought of that.
    With Detecting I love to go alone & be on my own schedule out in the Woods & when I find a Civil War Bullet or Button it's like a 40 mg Oxy snort , I'd relate it to intravenous injection but I thankfully I never did have the chance to try that route.

    It's Addicting but rewarding + lots of Calm thinking time .
    Hang in there chat soon.
    True concern likes this.
  4. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    I'm still 'not right' I just feel like something is not right with my body. IDK?

    I will go to the Dr, soon.
    My PMC is judgemental & me being on m-Done , Xanax does not help.
    + Last time I went in I had 2 issues that I wanted to address " He say's 1 thing at a time". I'm on SSIDA so that don't seem to help. Well I guess it would help 1 issue ???

    I may go to the ER & get everything checked , I've made myself wait to be seen so long that now , I don't want to wait to to go to a specialist BUT ! This is what I must do.

    Now I been trying to research what may be my deal ; I do have some suspicious esp , for my Waking panic attacks that include heart racing and even palpation's. I'm wondering if it's from long term M-Done .

    When I first started at my clinic they offered something called ' LAMM' I think or LAM , you would take that 1 time every 3 days but they soon stopped it cause it was causing irregular heart beat in a patient I know and others who took it.

    I wanna say i'm 'not right 'this afternoon & having trouble concentrating , ill try to add to this later . Thanks God Bless Us All.
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  5. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    update coming this week ..............I hope. So don't call me a liar . lol
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  6. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    i wont. look, i wont say how but theres a way around the clotting. if you wait long enough with a heroin shot it can happen with that too. so i know. ive declotted many a needles.
    and i have never struggled and continue to struggle with anything in my life more than needles. its a fixation with me. its why i came here. its the end of the line.
    and i cant stand someone getting attention (because their sick in the head) on sites like this like the one on here who is also on a cancer support forum.
    its like the movie Fight Club. hate it.
  7. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Fight club is like being Bipolar....I hate it as well
    Davers likes this.
  8. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    I just saw this , i know many who are addicted to 'the needle' & shoot everything possible. I totally get it.

    Never seen "Fight Club" but have heard of it .

    I may have missed it before but I love the King Solomon Quote.
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  9. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    Late update.
    The wife & I have given each other IOU's on this Valentine's Day , Woo Glad I don't have to worry about that . :D

    This past month or so has been a bit better esp , the last 2 weeks ...Instead of wanting to die for 3-4 hours every morning or PM . I feel somewhat better in a hour or so (with my stomach issue ), I still have little energy these days.

    I made it to my Stomach Dr, They are gonna go back in & look at my Lower Stomach along with the upper like they did 5 years ago. They also want a Colon check but Medicade won't cover the But Hole Cleaner. LOL So I'll see on that one.

    Still need to go to a urologist to get my prostate checked . Oh Well .

    Heck I guess this is life .... so ill go on living it and hope I make the right choices in the future . 'A very uncertain future at this moment.' BUT! God's Will . Not Mine.
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  10. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    A Blunt update for all to see but mainly for my records.

    Woke at 830 , in pain about a 6 on the pain scale , now at 10.08 I feel a bit better but wanna puke.

    I feel there is nothing to look forward to in life , Oh The 'Medicate' Song just came on ..interesting .

    Being a Prep-er, I have EMG ONLY Med's , enough for me to do a slow detox off methadone & xanax in a situation where these things are unavailable . BUT Lately I find myself in the mornings wanting to take 3-4 stx or 200 on m-done just so I can sleep past 9 or 10 am after going to sleep at 1-4 am.

    I know ill be a Zombie but a zoned out zombie who could sleep ( btw I'd do the 200 , but likely would take 2 bars as I get bitchy when i take extra Xanax. I have done this on a small level , 2-3 times in the past 2+ . As I woke up in pain + that strange panic I been gettin when i wake up ? & I was Mad so I took 4 -5 mg ambien (still woke up at 1030 ).

    Another time (between tests ) woke up at 5 am took 3 Soma ..Still woke up (hungover ) at 10 .

    Oh another day I woke before light (pissed) so I grabbed a 2 mg K-pin Dis-solvable that helped a tad but woke at 11 then at Noon I Started my day like usual with 2 mg Xanax & 30 of M -done .

    I also have Emg , opiates ( had them for 4 years but they still work ) 'Enough to do the Job ' but tho i've been tempted I have not grabbed extra opiates to take in these awful mornings .
    Note! I do not want to kill myself cause in my mind a eternity of WORSE Suffering forever is worse than this SHORT life on Earth . IMO

    Good thing my stomach is so messed up as even the thought of drinking booze makes me wanna puke + the thought of me drunk again scares me. ESP cause my 11 y/o has never seen me that way . Thank God.

    Guess i'm talking triggers ?

    I can take another 10 mg of done in say 2 hours & ill feel Much better mentally but I will be more manic acting & super sarcastic . This is the way I act when i feel good but it gets on my wife's nerves & my son says i'm annoying .
    Well the opposite is me being Kinda bitchy , not saying much , freaking over loosing my lighter or something else.

    Then it's " what's wrong with you"! Answer - "After 15 years you don't know what's wrong ????"

    Well I just wanted to get this down before my attitude changes . GD
  11. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    I'm going to be blunt here Davers. I think you are on way too many mind altering meds for someone in recovery. I worry about you taking methadone along with other opiates and Xanax. You could go to sleep and not wake up. Why do you think you need all these downers? The methadone should be enough. Maybe you should get an appointment with your counselor. You said your clinic does not require it as often as mine. I only want what's best for you.
    Davers and True concern like this.
  12. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    I understand & truly thank you for your kind and concerned words / thoughts. :)

    As I stated I don't type well and get sidetracked.

    I "Don't think " I said that I took other opiates as I don't but have stated that I have been "Tempted " while being in pain every morning or Noon if i'm lucky.

    I don't want certain people to see this but , oh well . I actually take 30 mg of Methadone a Day except every other week when I dose my 110 at the window BUT I only try to drink a third of the cup or half a cup . I actually 'kinda' enjoy the extra 'boost ' I get when I dose at the clinic ; if I drink to much , I pay for it on the following Tuesday or Wed tho it's not that bad.

    I get 5 mg a day of Xanax ( A-lot ) I know but take 3.5 to 4 mg a day = still a-lot I know but I do have a 20 year + tolerance .
    Also FWIW I have never blacked out on Benzos alone , always with Alcohol.

    I really enjoy seeing my counselor for 1 hr ( should be 15 -30 min ) I've had the same counselor for 10 + years ( that has to be some kind of world record ) :D. Really I consider her a friend .

    Thinking I know that I stated I have taken a K-pin & a couple 5 mg Ambien a few times over the past 3 hard months of Bad Ulcer & re-flux cause I wake before daylight and sit in pain for a couple hours ; these are the times I take the extra Ambien Or K-pin if I just got my Urine tests and will have a week or more to rid my system of the k-pin.

    So all in all it is a-lot of med's but I did want to stress that I do not take any other opiate.

    I had to fix the emoji i originally posted here as it could be taken many ways IMHO,
    I think 3 years ago or more I snorted a 30 mg Roxy my dose of done was 40 or 50 mg a day then ; I recall it did not help at all + the guilt .

    I do appreciate your opinion (you don't have to walk on egg shells with me ) so please tell just how you feel anytime you want.
    Have a Great Day
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2020
  13. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    OK looking back , ill admit I exaggerated how much soma I took that day ; I took 1 soma about 6 am then another around 7-730 .

    Also on another morn or 2 I took 2 5mg Ambien & then 1 more 5 mg an hour or so later .

    Usually Ill take 2 , 5mg Ambiem & that's it to be able to rest that few more hours .
    Again have a great day .

    OH ! I also take 60 mg of Prozac a day , I want to quit this . As I do need some emotions as the Methadone took most of them .
  14. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    The above info could be wrong as i've beem known to get confused.o_O
  15. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    I'm still confused here but not because of DoxyMon or any other member it's just "In my Head in my Head-ad , Zombie Zombie Zombie . That stated I'm better than a week ago a million times better, ie, not because of a prescription med .
    Hope everyone is well out there is the TUFF but also Beautiful Earth .

    JIC , No Mushrooms or any 'Shaman " type meds for me , think I just loving being BLESSED that my stomach is fine as I type this. Truly thank the Lord Jesus. Are hard times ahead ? yea ? most likely ' but we all have hard times & trials in life , I just pray that everyone on or who ever has been on this site 'Know's ' they can overcome .
    & Whatever has happened in the past ...IS in the past , for me forgiving myself is the hardest part. For What ? = Most everything but I know that's the wrong approach

    As we know 'Temporary" Bliss from out favorite substances , people , casinos , FOOD big time , + to many other life examples for me to comprehend. Is it worth it to use again ? Hell NO but that is the one way rd to feeling better immediately. When yr at bottom it's a horrible feeling both physically & mentally 20 X more mental & Pot would not work.FWIW
    I saw a PS Video bout a girl who drove her car into a wall on purpose to get legit 'or any Pain med's '

    That reminded me of a Night after my Financier (joking ) "my Fiancee " at the time went home bout 12 midnight and I was 'Gone Mentally ' and Physically to a point plus I knew sleep would be impossible that night & likely 2-3 days .

    So at that time my GF made Southern Sweet Tea by boiling a quart or 2 of water on the stove top , Well ?

    I faked an accident , I poured boiling water on the top of my shin 4 different pours cause my OCD would not let me do only 3 pours .

    It worked , I about lost my foot but I was medicated very well for 4-6 months .
    Crazy Stuff This was some 20 years ago fwiw.
    Ill shut up , as I was on a roll , Peace to everyone.
    Onceaddicted77 and True concern like this.
  16. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Davers I have read many of your post but responded to few.. My apologies. I am glad you are doing better and boiling water what a intense story,a painful story I hope you work on tapering my friend it's absolute torture however so is daily active addiction. I fight often back and fourt(To use or not to use)is a place I get stuck often but I have been cutting quantity even when I use subconsciously so my addiction's are like in beginning stages nothing super advanced anymore as I slowly eliminate them little by little.
    Stay Strong and God Bless You my friend you can beat this addiction, I believe in you
    Davers likes this.
  17. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    No prob.
    I don't expect a reply on everyone of my posts ( unless I ask an appropriate question ) but the peoples time and mindset play into it in this fast paced world.

    Also I wanna say Yes I'm addicted / Dependent on my daily M-Done / Xanax , I'm down to 20 mg prozac a day , I dislike SSRI'S .

    True concern likes this.
  18. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Brother feel no shame for any of that,we are here for you and if and when you decide to attempt to taper from whatever just let us know brother and we will have your back every day,I give you my word....If it ever gets overwhelming reach out brother I should be on daily again assuming my new meds keep my head where it is a good focused place...

    Stay Strong and God Bless
    Onceaddicted77 and Davers like this.
  19. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    I really don't feel shameful for my use cause I know I could be worse .

    I know how to fix my emotional issues , as I kinda said I think ? I can just up my med,s BUT? as you know 'Tolerance " will get me in the end , also as I was telling my wife ' my xanax after so long is working like my methadone keeping me "Stable"
    I don't get high off the Xanax , I do get a 30-45 min boost many days & I only take 2 mg or less at 1 time , I've said this before but if or when I take ..Say ? 3 mg , I get bitchy as heck . ??? Don't know why ?

    I'm all good hit me up whenever & ill get back to you or anyone when I log on .
    Great Eve to all.
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  20. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    I been feeling a good bit better with my Stomach issues for the last week ( Thank God ) my diet has totally changed ( tho I am scared to eat ) my procedures are to take place on the 25 of March , ill be glad to get that done .

    Coming from 60 mg a day of prozac to 20 for a month now , I notice that my mind wants to worry about things more obsessively tho it could be worse but if it gets bad enough I guess ill try 40 mg a day but I don't want to.

    On a more positive note , I have not smoked weed since last Wednesday & really don't crave it , I thought when I started back after 10 years that I could handle myself better than I did years ago .

    I quickly found out that I abused it & smoked more than I wanted & spent way to much $ for crap (mid's ++) weed.
    Wanted to quit on New Year but later is better than never .

    I'm not saying ill never smoke again but as of now I have no desire to .

    Things are looking better & I hope they stay that way .

    I hope all here can achieve the positive goals & hopes they want to achieve in their lives.
    God Bless us all.
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