I'm having several issues & it's bringing me Waaay down.

Thanks Man.
That's really want I want to do is try to help & encourage people & say 'I can relate' if I do relate.

Ill get through my issues but I'm a bit Mad now cause My Dr, Apt , for my Colon Check & Upper GI Scope. Was gonna be next Wed , now it's May 20th Crap!!!!!!!!!!!

Told these people I lost 25 lbs & I'm scared to eat + 0 energy , heck they never called me back , I know the Virus is causing this but I'm considered a Non-Emergency but with the symptoms I have all books & the Net says go to yr Dr. Now .

Oh well , I got to let this sink in ; guess ill go to the ER if I have to.

Dang ! I was hoping to get this all figured out & now 2 MORE MONTHS!!!!!

This could be a trigger to overtake my med's but I know that would be a stupid decision .
Peace & thanks again.
Davers

Update. April 8 2020

I been feeling down for the past 4 days , but I dosed extra at the clinic on friday , I felt good that day but I was so tired and sleepy ( noddy ) on sat and sun , I just slept , ( Funny cause I know many who want to feel that way ) ; heck last week was good as I felt better than I have in a few months ; worked in the Garage on Sun march 30 for 6 hours , then went metal detecting in the woods for 4 hours on the 1st of April , so I say I felt better. BUT

After the big sleep [this week ] i've felt like crap , stomach wise & Mentally , my M-Done level should be getting back to normal by today + when I got up around 9.30 I felt like puking but doing better now , I did not want to take my promethazine as it really puts me on my butt.

+ The Wife is really getting on my nerves , I want out of this dysfunctional marriage , YES a-lot is my fault , it's a long long story , i'd be happier alone , I love my 11 y/o more than anything but he disrespects me just like the wife does , ill shut up as my stomach is starting to hurt.

I just wanna know whats wrong with me , I'm sure it's "Everything" all jumbled together ( For what it's worth ) I been self isolated in the house since Nov , Oct really only going to my clinic & Crazy Dr, or a quick trip to walgreens to get cig's & or meds & it's a mile away.

Heck I have nothing to hide , If y'all want to see how I was up until last June see treasure.net.com with the same user name "Davers" it hurt's to look back to better times but even then I had up's & downs . Oh Well
Stay safe well & sober if you can & if you can not stay sober , I understand .
Davers

April 9 2020 another morning of pain but the methadone covers it up for most of the day.

One GREAT thing ..in the past month or so , my morning 'waking' Heart racing & palpation s have pretty much stopped.. Could it have been the pot I started smoking again back last May ? I don't know . but I did quit in March , maybe that was it . I really think it's related to my Stomach cause as it got better over as I felt better last week.

Just got a call from my Gastroenterology Dr, office & they set me up for Monday (heck Yea) but Ill deal with the Colonoscopy Prep as of Sunday AM & being chronically constipated from Methadone ..this should be fun! BUT

I got to know if I have another issue acause as of Feb 23 , I weighed 200 lbs & today I weigh 171. & averaged 215 - 220 for 10 + years until this.
This makes me feel so much better , til I find something else to worry about . LOL

So I guess ill start getting my digestive system in order starting today , watch Ozark Season 3 ;or 'Tiger King' but trying to stay away from that . & Poop my brains Out . LOL Until Monday afternoon.

This was good news , & just that has me feeling much better.
Gd all,

Brother don't believe you're own delusions, I've been there and NO I AM NOT HAPPIER WITHOUT THEM..NOR WOULD YOU BE.
STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS YOU

I'm day to day Man , Same to you "stay strong" when we overcome , we will be better people .

We just got to make the right decisions .
Strength & prayers for you as well.

I will add that I have an 8 year old sister who disrespects me as well so I know what that is like and the truth is she has learned it from some adult who does the same.Kids mimic adults so ultimately it's not the kids fault it's the adults that they are learning it from so if that adult is your wife then you need to have a stern talk with her as it's rubbing off on the child.
Stay Strong and God Bless you

Thanks for the reply man it's really helps to know someone is listening , and a quick or long reply makes things a-lot easier. A HUGE THANKS & It's both BAD as hell & cool you can relate to be dissed . I got talkin to do but it's always an argument. Or Tic for Tac , " The Boy is just like Me "

Can I Curse on here ?

I need to talk like I do in real life , but I need to before I dose or take Xanny as the feeling will soon pass tho I have found .? Going luny

Ill try to read the rules if I can concentrate enough .

OK
Well I had to take my 30 of Done as my stomach hurt , I hit the bed about 2 & woke with the Sun with pain after crazy dreams .

I do remember most of the posts I have read on here ( for the most part ) as I don't talk with many people in person much anymore ,

Maybe feelings are returning some as I come off the Prozac or down to 20mg a day from 60 a day for 12 or so years . don't Know .?

Thinking a-lot lately & praying ( I wanna give Praise to my LORD JESUS on this resurrection Sunday ) His will Be Done.
I'm losing concentration real fast , having so many thought runnin through my head right now , stressin that this 'bowel prep ' i'm suppose to take this eve to clear my Colon will make me start to puke and I won't stop but I GOT TO HAVE IT DONE TOMORROW THO! So I have to try .

I feel i'm caught in my own 'Trap house' caught in this routine , .

For Real Tho
My greatest fear is that my xanax don't work anymore 4 mg a day is like a maintenance thing like the m-done , could take more but don't want to dig my HOLE deeper , as I have not missed a day of it in 10+ years ( Other than when I puked for 2 days last Feb ) . It's been [along with K-pin} since I was 25 ish my Magic Pill to feel better but for the past few years It don't work right ( I know why ie, tolerance & Brain changes , & My addictive ass ) I found taking more makes me more bitchy ? -Example the other morn , I took my Meds but forgot if I took my morning 2 mg or not ; thought I did but then thought "better safe than sorry " & took 2 more about an hour later , well the day went just like any other but I was Bitchy / Whiny a tad more than normal espacally fron 2 pm -6 or 7 pm . again As usual , then I skipped my night doses cept for .05 mg , so I only took 4& a half mg that day .

I'm scared to even wean , Heck I been weaning off the M-done for 5+ years until last March 11 2019 when I went to 25 mg , I felt fine until my Issues started in June & I went back to 40 mg in late July .
So while i'm already in a bad physical & mental state , I've not felt like adding to my misery by tapering in the past year .
I've got to the point where I have nothing that makes me real happy (other than Metal Detecting ) but that has been rare this past year . I can not even watch TV or Movies ( Or get started , if that makes since ) Shows I used to look forward to just 5 years ago , Hate gaming , I have money to get many things I want but won't spend it . Not major money but enough credit to get a Smart phone or a nice AK-47 , I have 0 Sexual Desire but I do have women on TV or You tube I think are HOT! Everything is a Dread , I do have my moments but they are rare . Ill chill for now but may add to this later .
Now this bowel prep thing GD until later

@Davers I pray your bowel prep is going well,also I can relate...The taper,dread,fear,etc.As for me the past year I've had far less slips than previous years(Not saying I haven't slipped)but far less Every time I slip I hate the immediate result as when aggravation sets in I slip after I take a moral inventory and Every time I feel like kicking my own asss..its a vicious cycle,a long process but the bottom line is I'm a better me without substances. Period..even the meds the Dr put me on to help my head(Ya right they all create a worse problem)And leave me asking WTF I don't remember doing or saying that but since I can't remember I can't really say if I did or didnt..The confusion those pills deliver have forced me to stop all except the k-pin at this time as when I stop them I hallucinate sooo bad so I am slowly working that dose down as they had me on 3 pills per day so little by little I step down.Its taking much longer than I would have ever thought but been on benzodiazepine for over 13-15 years..somewhere in that range but I know I'm a better me without them so I will continue trying to eliminate them.
Stay Strong and God Bless you

You're a believer as well so I will tell you how i see it. God put Trump in office to give america time to repent. Satan is hard at work brother you tube john remirez. Listen to a video. Your anxiety is the devil attacking you. Speaking to me as well here. We have the Holy Spirit. That overcomes all. I need to remember my own words there. The schools were taking God out God shut them down and so so many more examles.
Read Isaiah cpts 42_45. Thats what God said abot the future. BTW,. I believe that is now.

Thanks for asking , the prep went well [enough ] Nurse said my Colan looked good , but want me to come back for another in a year , I do have a good size Ulcer , but I'm doing better for now other than the Side Effects from the Sucrafate Med, they put me on , Bad Headache 70% of the time.

As for weaning off Xanax , IDK , right now at 49 in May 'I'm thinking I may be on it or another benzo for life (however long the Lord lets me be here ), tho that might change as I age ? Def, want off the M-done someday.

I wanna add , one BAD thing about K-pin made me & many others I know into Kleptomaniac. = Guess that's the "Strange Behavior" side effect listed in the PDR or Physicians Desk Reference .
Good Day Everyone.

Josh
I TRULY could not AGREE More , Revelation seems to be more and more accurate than ever before.

Satan has been after me since I was Saved in 2 ed Grade on the Playground . ( I remember that like it was yesterday & thinking back ---The kid who had me give my life to Jesus was super smart or an Angel ? as I can not recall what he looked like .
It warms my heart knowing you are a believer as it's so hard these days .

Ill check out John Remirez , I like the Hagmann Report & Stan Deyo , & Steve Quail but don't totally agree with all their opinions , I just pray lies or falsehoods will not stay in my mind , & His will be done & I can hear what is Biblical'y true. + Mr, Hagmann lost his son to a Heroin & Fentynal overdose last April or May .
Gd Josh.

Amen brother. I struggle hard with addiction. Not porn or adultry....but, we are all sinners and fallen short of the glory of God and it brings me peace to know that Christ died on one cross for all sin. Not a big one for this and a little one for that. He paid the price for all.
As Paul says we need to put on the FULL armour of God. I try i fail. As long as we try though.
And God bless you and your family too in these days. I hope that this isn't censored.

Yes Sir.
I do my best , but that is not really that good but as you said "All Sin's " are forgiven , It's the "Go & sin no more " part I and I assume most people have trouble with .
Keep the faith & thanks for your reply's they do help .
Davers

If that was a requirement I'd try and fail everyday.... usually upon waking up as that's when I get the most pleasure out of drugs.

Davers -

Happy to see you're feeling a bit better as of your last update. I hope you can keep moving forward in your process, it's important to remember that we can recover!!!!

Looking through the thread, it looks like quite the cocktail of different meds you've been trying to make work. Please, please be careful mixing all these different things. Even less-narcotic meds like ambien can be dangerous when mixed. I went through a really long struggle with Xanax and can tell you that it does get better, we just need to trust the process. If you need any support feel free to DM me

Thanks for your message , I'm feeling a bit better other than the usual life stressors , .....For real I'm sad as spit right as now cause at 5 I got to take my Cat 'Marble Man' to be Put To Sleep as he has cancer , & his breathing in becoming difficult , but about 6 weeks ago we thought he had days to live but he has been strong , & it's time , we can not be selfish & let him go no like this , It sux but I / we have been through this several times , he has been with us 15 + years .

IDK I don't look forward to this & his burial , I got the hole dug already , I want to take extra Xanax or 3 Fioricet or 4 & take less xanax later , IDK , ill likely pass on the Fioricet or take it after the deed is done .

I feel yr concern about the med's I take but I been taking the same dose of everything for 8 + years except for my M-Done dose is still pretty low . I have ambien but only take 5 mg about 1 time a month 'if that' .

Ill be OK , thanks again for the message ,it helps & I may DM you sometime , well I got to get ready to go ...dang this SUX.
Have a great eve .
Davers

Actually
I kinda MAD .
As I called this home Euthanasia place yesterday & they wanted $450 to drive 5 miles to do it here , I don't want to stress the poor soul more than he already is & at the vets office it's gonna cost $70 . So $450 is BS to me , I'm not rich & on SSIDA , Marble Man is worth $450 but we just don't have it , I could do $200 . DANG IT !

Well he will be with his Mom & many other brothers , sisters , cousins , grand Kitty's , & My late Mother & Grandmother & I truly believe Ill see them all again someday , as long as I keep my faith .

It we be OK .
Later