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Im not unique in the least.

Discussion in 'Prescription Drugs' started by Josh111187, Jun 17, 2018.

  1. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    So I've been going through alot of older posts to see what I've missed and I have realized that in no way is my situation unique from anyone else's.
    See that tall brown building in my avatar photo? When I'm downtown that's my favorite place to go, to the top of that building. That's the Bank of America Tower. I used to go up there and watch all the little people down below while I was getting high. Now I go there alot while I'm on this site. Seeing all the people below kind of reminds me of the things I read that make up this one big site. A 2 am runner, a heroin user that wants to feel normal, a person in Canada that has the same problems that I do. I swear reading some of the things I read on hear remind me of the Mandela effect. Just because they are so similar to the feelings I have and the things that I think about myself. When I look at all the people or read all of the posts, it makes me greatful for the community and without everyone in it there would be no city, or website.
    I read a total of thirteen apologies in all before I decided to post this. There's no need to appologize for how you feel (myself included) because no one is alone in their struggles and to realize this encourages me and gives me strength to make it through the day knowing that someone before me made it through the day. And someone after me will also.
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    It sounds like your getting some where josh and that's fantastic.To be able to look at society and see your self as a member of it is a good feeling.For so long i hid in my addiction's and looked out at the world like everyone was crazy and now i think back and i think i'm so happy I'm not in a padded room stuck in a really tight white jacket with my arms tied down because oh ya now i can see i was bat sh×t crazy lol.Good news i took @Dominica advice and stopped the 2 a.m. runs,for the most part because well she was correct they were getting me to pumped up to sleep.
    lonewolves, deanokat and Josh111187 like this.
  3. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    You kind of made my point for me for the longest time I sat up there at the top of that building and looked down wishing I fit in somehow. But I realize I do. I have always fit in, I guess I've just felt to sorry for myself or been to foggy to realize that.
    lonewolves, deanokat and True concern like this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You know what my friend?You are not alone in feeling that way at that stage of addiction i know i did as well and im sure we are not alone i'm sure many have felt the same.I spend alot of time thinking back and trying to remember what I was thinking or feeling at certain times of my life and alot of times i felt thrown out or tossed to the side as a lost cause and i would dive deeper into my addiction and now i see i was tossed to the side but not by my family but by myself.I was feeled with self pity and i learned to hate myself and then i projected my own self hate as towards myself as if everyone else hated me but now i see they didn't hate me they hated what addiction had done to me.I will tell you as you tapper further down you are going to get hit with so many emotions and questions of why and now that i'm taking this seriously i know i can't allow myself to dwell on those emotions and the only way to let them go is to share them and get feedback,so as this happens to you make sure you don't try to figure it out alone because you are not alone.Share your thoughts with your loved one's and if you don't feel comfortable doing that share here.I share here because my family doesn't want to dig that deep as unfortunately I still have family stuck in various forms of addiction and they don't want to admit it or change it at this point.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    So glad you're here with us, @Josh111187. I love your posts. So full of wisdom and hope. And you're right...You DO fit in!
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Josh111187 you certainly do fit in... many people feel like they don't... it's part of being human i think...

    but we fit as much as we want :) and you fit here with us!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  7. Cametobelieve0202

    Cametobelieve0202 Community Champion

    I love this post! We all share a common problem, but we also share a common solution! You are not alone, none of us are! We have each other (addicts in recovery are never alone). The connection I feel to another addict/alcoholic is like nothing else I’ve ever felt. As soon as I hear someone is addicted I feel connected to them. Like our hearts are connected. I feel their pain because I’ve felt that pain but I also get to feel their joy when they’ve started to recover because I’ve felt that too. I can honestly say I’ve never met an alcoholic/addict I didn’t like because they are a part of me and I am a part of them. Our commonality binds us. When someone tells their story, it’s the same as mine just with a few minor details changed, we have the same disease but also the same ability to determine how much we let it take from us. We can all have a great life, a life of freedom, beauty and serenity.
    Josh111187, deanokat and True concern like this.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    So true, @CMMW. Beautifully said, my friend.
    True concern likes this.
  9. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    And that's what I have ultimately come to realize, that while way up there looking down at all the people wishing I had a nice spot to fit in, my spot has been there the whole time. Its just up to me wether or not I choose to occupy it.
    I feel that connection that you mentioned also. I think one of the reasons I like going up there is that I'm isolated from everyone. Strange seeing as I was just saying that I wanted to find my spot. But I'm just not really a people person, I like people I love my few friends I have but crowds are not my thing.
    Public speaking is terrifying to me. For the longest time that's what kept me from an NA meeting. The fear I would be called on to speak...this is before I knew how they worked. But when I finally got up the courage to go to one and heard everyone announce who they were and that they were addicts I felt a connection with that group of people that I have never felt before then. My fear of public speaking was not present in that first NA meeting and never has been since.
    In fact when I was in my first meeting and we were going around saying our names and hi I'm an addict, I said my name and then went on ahead with my whole story!lol
    I was crying by the middle and laughing at the end. I knew I had found a spot. I guess they let me take that meeting over because they knew I was new and didn't have a clue how it worked, but it was obvious that I had something to share. After that meeting I tried several different ones and now that's my home group.
    Someone gave me their one year tag the day I got my first day tag and told me to give it back when I got mine. I promised. I'm nine months and a couple days from being able to carry out that promise.
    And I will. I'm looking forward to it.
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  10. Cametobelieve0202

    Cametobelieve0202 Community Champion

    That story made me cry! Happy tears! That story epitomizes the love NA and AA members have for one another or for any addict/alcoholic for that matter! Thank you so much for sharing that! It makes my heart happy
    True concern and Josh111187 like this.
  11. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    So about fitting in and finding my spot.
    I'm at the swimming pool with my son and my mom.
    This is a new experience for me. Not because I'm at the pool with my son and my mom. Because I'm here clean and sober. And actually enjoying myself. And it feels right and wholesome.
    I don't even have my valium with me. Don't get me wrong my anxiety level is off the chart right now and I'll have to get home and take my afternoon dose, 4 o'clock dose, and its 8 o'clock eastern time now.
    But the point is that I find myself here at the pool and 4 hours after I'm supposed to take my last dose for the day I remember that I don't even have it. I haven't left the house without a pill bottle rattling around in my pocket since I was a teen!
    This makes me happy.
  12. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    It makes me happy to hear it makes you happy...congrats
    Josh111187 likes this.
  13. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    That's terrific, @Josh111187! It sounds like you and your brain are making tremendous progress. And I'm so happy you got to spend some quality time at the pool with your mom and your son. That makes me smile. :)
    Josh111187 and True concern like this.