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I'm so addicted..I want to die

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by peterparos, Jun 12, 2015.

  1. peterparos

    peterparos Member

    Just after I use it, I'd get an amazing rush. I'd be on top of the world. Once the high really set in, my mind would get slow and fuzzy. It'd feel like I was sinking into the floor. I'd forget if I was asleep or awake, and time just passed me by. I got hooked quick.

    After a while, I needed heroin just to get by. Too long without a fix, and…I can't even describe it. It's like I was dying in every awful way you could think of, all at once. Pain in all my bones, throwing up, chills, and I couldn't sleep for days.

    Whenever I used it I was so angry. I didn't want to stop using. I just wanted another fix.

    I can't control myself. There's no such thing as "control" when it comes to addiction. You just want more and more, and will do all kinds of crazy things to get high again.

    One day I overdosed and ended up in the hospital. That scared me like nothing had before. I saw that I really didn't have control over my drug use, and if I didn't do something, it could kill me.

    I see my parents, I just want to fix myself. help me
    lena_35 likes this.
  2. kylerlittle

    kylerlittle Community Champion

    Hi Peter,

    Please do not say the words, want to die because life is so much worth living, there are things worth living and fighting for. I really am so sorry for your situation and I have one word for you, hope. There is absolutely one hundred percent hope for you to get through this, I tell you this with absolute faith because I've seen recoveries and I've seen people who suffered and had pain, but eventually, they made it through. You can too. You might say you can't control yourself now, you can gain that control, I promise you it is possible. I pray for you that you may find comfort and peace and truth. I really want you to know that there is hope. We care about you here.
    Rosyrain and peterparos like this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @peterparos... Thank you for coming here to share your situation and your pain. I welcome you to the forum and want you to know that there are amazing, loving, caring, kind-hearted people here to offer you support.

    I am the father of a son who once felt like you did. He started using drugs at age 15 to self-medicate and feel "normal" because he was suffering from depression and anxiety. It started with pot, but it ended with heroin. At his worst, my son felt desperate and thought he would never be able to slay his demons. But you know what? He did. And in a couple of weeks he'll be celebrating three years of sobriety.

    The fact that you came here to tell us about your situation indicates to me that you want to change. I'm here to tell you that it's possible. It may not be easy, but if you want to kick heroin you can.

    Have you ever been to residential treatment? If not, that may be a good way to go. They will be able to help you detox safely, while minimizing the pain of withdrawal. My son spent time at four rehab facilities, but the last one clicked...primarily because HE finally decided he wanted to change. The addicted person is the only one who can make that decision, and it sounds like you're at that point. That's awesome.

    An alternative to residential treatment would be seeing an addiction specialist. These doctors can also help you detox, and can prescribe medication to help fight your cravings.

    I also recommend support groups like NA, AA, or SMART Recovery. Being around people who have experienced what you're experiencing and hearing their stories is a great way to discover you're not alone.

    You mention your parents in the last line of your post. Let me tell you that one of the most painful things a parent can go through with a child is their struggle with addiction. As parents we are programmed to protect and fix our children from the moment they're born. But with addiction, we are pretty much helpless. We may try to fix our child, but we soon realize that they will use or not use and live or die with or without us.

    I'll never forget the day my son came to me and said he needed help because he was addicted to heroin. He asked to go to rehab. My wife and I loaded him into the back of our minivan and were driving him to a local treatment facility just a couple of hours later. My son was going through awful withdrawal in the back seat, sweating and shaking and crying and vomiting. I remember thinking "This is like something you'd see in a movie." But it was real.

    I invite you to take the first step towards recovery, Peter. You can kick addiction's ass, and the result will be a healthier, happier, and safer life...not only for you, but for your parents and loved ones, too. When you start your journey, remember that is just that: a journey. You may encounter bumps along the way, but the important thing is to get back on track and continue on the road to a better life.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I am also sending you positive, healing vibes. We are here to help you in any way we can. You can do this, Peter. I know you can. If my son could do it, you can too. Be positive, be willing to work at it, live in the moment, and take things a day at a time.

    Keep coming back here to let us know how you're doing. We're all rooting for you. Big time. Because you are the only you on the planet, and your life is so incredibly worth living.
    SarahWorksAtHome and peterparos like this.
  4. peterparos

    peterparos Member

    But sir, I live in Indonesia. My country doesn't facilitate addicted people like me. :'(
  5. peterparos

    peterparos Member

    I want to thank everyone here..keep supporting and praying for me
    Winterybella and deanokat like this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I'm sorry. I didn't know you were in Indonesia.

    @peterparos... You can still beat your addiction. Determination and willpower, along with education, will get you far. Maybe read the AA Big Book? Keep coming back to this forum, that's for sure.

    Do other people have suggestions for @peterparos?
  7. SarahWorksAtHome

    SarahWorksAtHome Community Champion

    Let me first congratulate you on taking the big, brave, bold step of admission. Recognizing how deep you are in and that you need help is a HUGE step in the process of recovery.
    If you are unable to attend meetings or find support groups locally, this forum can be a ray of hope for you, I believe. You are going to meet some incredibly encouraging people here and we will have your back!
  8. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    Hello Andrew! I don't know where to begin. What I say now may not be enough to motivate you to change. But if you really want to break away from your addiction you have to start thinking about how to live. Cut off all thoughts of death from your mind. Do not waste your life like this when you have so much potential to be a loving son to your parents, a good friend to others, a functioning member of society and someone you can be proud of.

    You have to stop your excuses and if you feel like you can't do this alone, please be brave enough to seek help from others - even complete strangers with a compassionate heart. I know you can do it but you have to give yourself the chance.

    In a nutshell... just live and be the you you could have been had you not taken heroin. That's all I ask of you.
  9. JonnyMacdonald

    JonnyMacdonald Community Champion

    I am happy you have come here, I hope we save your life. If you are talking about suicide, that's serious business. You are important to us now that we know your story even a little, as I am sure you are important to people in your life.
    This is where I connect you to the people that can help. But I don't know about Indonesia and how it works there. We are blessed to have the internet, where strangers with the common goal to help others out in their time of need to be around to help the next person out.
    There is hope, many of us have been through it and many of us have been there though it.
    I just want to thank you for joining and posting.
  10. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    Hi @ peterparos! My warmest welcome to you for coming into this forum and sharing your story.

    There are instances in life when we feel so much pain, either physically or emotionally. The greatness and severity of the pain sometimes gets to us and we feel like giving up on life. The pain and struggles of life can make us feel like the only option is to give up because they’re just so unbearable.

    But that is the mystery and beauty of life. We are still living because we have overcome struggles in our lives. On the day we were born we have struggled for life. Coming out into this world and breathing our first was our first success. Our first cry signified that life will not be a bed of roses. Pain and agony will appear one way or another but we have been given the ability to survive and get through it all.

    A soldier will never feel whole if he never encounters battle. After winning many battles and having been wounded so many times, he reaps his rewards in the end. The pain from the wounds has faded leaving only scars to remind him of his struggles and glory.

    Same is true with addiction and recovery; it can give you many challenges and painful experiences along the way. But these things will soon pass once you overcome them. Life has many promising things to offer you ahead. You just have to reach for them and never give up. Life doesn’t want to give up on you so give back to it by living it. It is a wonderful world out there. Break free, defeat your addiction and live your life to the fullest.
  11. whitenoise

    whitenoise Senior Contributor

    Don't said that please.. Death is horrible believe me. There are other reasons why a man would suicide himslef and one of this isn't for sure addiction to some substance. I would suggest to you to go on youtube an search for "motivational videos". I did long time ago when I felt like you, but for different reason, and it worked pretty good and gave me the strength to keep it up.
  12. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Peter I am simply here to say that I too will continue to support and pray for your healing. I can't presume I know what you are going through: I don't. All I know is that there is light at the end of every tunnel. Life is for living. Welcome to your new home of friends of family. When feelings of despair set in, come talk to us and we will do what we can from our distance. We all need each other.
  13. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    You have so many things in life to experience and death is not the answer. If your country does not have programs that will help you get sober, you may just have to go to a neighboring country that would have such programs. Keep up the good fight and remember that your life is worth fighting for. Once you get sober, you will see how beautiful the world is!
  14. crc3thebest

    crc3thebest Community Champion

    You have to have a goal in life to stop an addiction! It can be a career, college, sports, God, or even a better life style. When I knew what I wanted to accomplish in life, I totally abandoned my addiction. Sometimes, we just need to see the big picture.
    MrsJones likes this.
  15. SarahWorksAtHome

    SarahWorksAtHome Community Champion

    @peterparos I had you on my mind earlier when someone I was talking to offline was talking about how they felt at the bottom so low in the midst of their depression and addiction that they wanted to die. They've now overcome everything and are very happy in life now. It can happen!
    So, I just wanted to check in and make sure you are okay and hanging in there! When we say we will be thinking about you and praying for you- we mean it! It's not just words for many of us!
    Winterybella likes this.
  16. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Hey, @peterparos... When you get a chance, please check in with us and let us know how you're doing. We truly care about you and are here to support you.
  17. kylerlittle

    kylerlittle Community Champion

    No matter where you're from. Come here and you can get a lot of help, I know it's difficult but there is hope! don't lose hope!
  18. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    It's hard to believe that Indonesia doesn't have any facilities or support groups for addicts. If there's none at all, then how about you try to talk to a counsellor or maybe even a doctor to help you and give you advice regarding your problem? Do not indulge in suicidal thoughts because that's not the proper way to fight addiction.
  19. EditorsRHumansToo!

    EditorsRHumansToo! Community Champion

    Welcome to the community @peterparos But you must have to decide for yourself to want to get well. Actually, you are stronger than you think cracks can have control over you. Please don't believe that lie that you are "helpless that you could not fight off addiction". You can overcome your addiction!

    I would to encourage you to be strong and be very brave to go through the process of healing. Have someone you trust to be your accountability partner to be there with you while you experience the horrid withdrawal sickness and drug-free ordeal. If you do not have access to an institution or rehab, you can ask your parents to help you heal at home.

    I hope to see you again in the forums.
  20. VitaMuse

    VitaMuse Member

    Stay strong brother. I cant imagine the situation you are in, I can only wish you good thoughts and hope you can overcome your addiction. You stated that you fear you are unable to, but millions of people have. You can overcome anything with enough belief behind you, and we all believe in you.
    deanokat likes this.