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In extreme need for advice

Discussion in 'Other Recovery Support Groups' started by Bewildered, Jul 25, 2018.

  1. Bewildered

    Bewildered Member

    Long story short (maybe) - my neighbors son has been an violent addict for 30 + years. He has put his 85 year old mother in the hospital several times. I have begged her to get help but she denies he meant to (after telling me that he did). This last time he broke her hip and after being released from the hospital/rehab she left the state to go live with her other son. Leaving him to his own devices - he was arrested for assault/burglary within 6 months. Just 3 days ago she called me offering to sell me the house - I gladly agreed and began making the arrangements. Yesterday afternoon - he is dropped off by 2 guys I've never seen before and is back in the house. My neighbors and I are scared to think what he's going to do next. I called her and she swears she did not bail him out and has no idea what's going on. I understand that it's an addiction and as a mother I (kind of) understand her hesitancy to throw him out. However - what are we supposed to do?? I am just at the end of my rope with this situation after 7 years and I am frustrated living with this constant dread/fear of what is going to happen next. I would LOVE to stay out of this - but he and his drug buddies get all juiced up and someone is in a fight in the yard - they deal out of the house - and they have piled trash outside that is bringing in rats!!!
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Are you still in the process of buying the house, @Bewildered? If so, until you actually take possession of the house, it's probably up to the mother to keep her son out of the house. Have you talked to her about that? Also, if there is illegal activity going on at the house, call the police. That's about all the advice I have for you. I hope things improve.
    Dominica likes this.
  3. Bewildered

    Bewildered Member

    She won't even talk about it now that he's back - and - I've talked to her a thousand times about the fear he is causing (as has several other neighbors). As for the police - I am going to try with them (again) today. He hasn't been there 48 hours and the "visitors" have already begun to show up. I'm confident that his mother has told him about me wanting to buy the house and my complaints about the rats. He was outside watching for me to get home from work yesterday afternoon. I got the death stare until I went inside. Thanks for the advice - it's all just so overwhelming......
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    I think talking to the police is your best bet here. Tell them the whole story. Does the son have permission to be in the house? If not, maybe have the mom talk to the police? Just a thought.
    Dominica likes this.
  5. Bewildered

    Bewildered Member

    Done - he's well known by them. They said that they would talk to the drug task force (again) and see if there was anything they could do. He does have her permission - she doesn't want him to be "homeless" - that's why I was trying to buy it while he was in jail.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Bewildered I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I'm sure it is quite overwhelming! Dean has given you some good advice, and I hope that this situation can get resolved soon!
    deanokat likes this.
  7. Bewildered

    Bewildered Member

    I do too - I called the local drug task force. I am waiting on a call back from them. I appreciate the feed back! This is just such a tough situation on everyone. Family, friends, and neighbors - I am 50 and I am the youngest one there. They are terrified. And - his tendency towards violence is growing - that is the scariest part.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    I hope the police or the drug task force can help sort things out. Definitely a difficult situation. Sending prayers your way.
  9. Bewildered

    Bewildered Member

    Thank you! Most grateful !!
    deanokat likes this.
  10. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Damn I don't know what to say about this one.....I abused drug's 20+year's and got into plenty of fight's but never on an substance or ever period have a sought to harm elderly individuals for anything, I have no advice other than to say he isn't a man hes a piece of sh×t preying on the weak.It makes me sick that you are going through this.Stay Strong and God Bless
    Dominica, deanokat and lonewolves like this.
  11. Bewildered

    Bewildered Member

    Thank you - I don't understand him either - but it appears that the drugs have just beaten this entire family down to a point where no one can stand up again.
  12. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    I’m sorry you and his mom have to deal with a selfish human like that, @Bewildered. I hope she heals up quick, physically and mentally, and I hope her son gets a dose of karma.
    Dominica, True concern and deanokat like this.
  13. Bewildered

    Bewildered Member

    Thank you as well. I think the most fascinating part of this puzzle is the level of denial this throws people into. If I don't look it isn't real.... I've had several people (including my family members) tell me - "you would do the same thing if it were your son". God I hope not! I hope and pray that I would have the courage to not assist him in killing himself! People honestly believe that ignoring the issue and financially supporting them is helping them!
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  14. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I understand what your saying but I don't think families seek to financially support the addict but they feel empathy for the loved one in question who abuses substance's, of course it depends on the substance but if its something like heroin which is extremely physically addicting a person with compassion can only watch a person suffer for so long especially when you know a little more heroin will instantly make the person stop puking and shi×ting and Im not talking like a "Flu"type thing that last a couple day's but try to imagine watching that loved one do these thing's for week's on end without sleep,food,the ability to carry out the most basic functions.Im in no way proud of this and infect I do feel shame for it but I sought help when I was at my worst on opiates but being poor absolutely play's a huge part in getting help so my family couldn't afford to send me to rehab and I obviously didn't have the money so I went to a methadone clinic which cost ten dollar's ever morning but only keeps you from being sick about 4-6 hour's and then your right back to suffering, so for myself I was actually told I would die either way...Quit or not I was told at best I may have a month because I would either overdose or the detox would shut my organs down and take my life.After I heard that I decided I would rather be buried sober than hi so I quit cold turkey immediately expecting not to survive I was stuck in a room for 27 straight day's, the first 13-14 days I didn't sleep other than the multiple short term blackout's to wake 3-5 minutes later screaming in pain ,my entire body cramped so tight it felt like it was breaking every bone in my body,I didn't eat anything for the first 7-8 day's because I would puke as soon as it hit my stomach, I had to survive on a few sips of broth a day,on day 15 I was rushed to the hospital nearly dead where they re hydrated me and tried to give me pain shots to temporarily stale the detox I was in ,just long enough to eat a meal the Dr said and I refused simply because I wanted to be buried sober when I died.I could go on in further graphic detail but I won't, but 2 more trip's to the hospital and on day 28 I took my first step's out of that room 55lbs lighter and barely able to take 10-15 step's. Anyways my point being how long could a person watch a loved one go through that until they break and offer to buy the drug to stop the pain.I understand not being an enabler and I agree with it yet at the same time could you watch your loved one suffer that way until they were in a box six feet under?These situations are tough for all parties involved and sometimes decision's are made quickly without much thought.This is a conversation worth having but it's not always just a either or decision often time's someone's life is literally hanging by a thread.Stay Strong and God Bless
    deanokat likes this.
  15. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    And just so there is no confusion I in no way condone the way he treats you, his mom,or anyone else he harm's but not all addicts are violent
    deanokat likes this.
  16. Bewildered

    Bewildered Member

    I am so sorry you had to go thru all of that - I am glad you fought thru to the other side though - JOB WELL DONE!!! I guess I need to clarify something though - the addict is my age (50) and his family members say that he has been a violent since his teen years. His violent tendencies came before the drug use even started. Also - I am 100% in favor of helping someone who is trying to make a change - TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY! He denies he has a problem and says it's everyone else's fault when he acts up because they don't give him whatever it is at the moment that he's wanting. It's just my opinion - nothing more - but I feel like an enabler does nothing bug ignore the actual root problem and placates the addict just to keep them "calm" - I don't see how that helps?

    Again - I am so grateful for all the comments - I desperately want to understand this situation so that I can be helpful. I've had dear friends die from addiction and some made it thru to the other side and are doing better. I just don't know how to help in a situation like this - I would otherwise just leave it alone - but everyone in the neighborhood (in our section of it anyway) is afraid to step out of their homes because of him.
    lonewolves, deanokat and True concern like this.
  17. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I understand he sound's like just a brute sober or hi so ya it sounds like him being around is a lose lose either way.In sorry you all are having to go through this
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  18. Bewildered

    Bewildered Member

    Thanks - yeah - he's not really into the whole "positive contribution to society" thing ;-)
    deanokat likes this.
  19. Bewildered

    Bewildered Member

    Me again - I got a "response" from someone in my email - "My name is denise richard. my phone number is [deleted] I need help with my addiction that has made me a really horrible person. Ive been addicted to pain pills and cocaine for 3 years now and i'm just ready to end my life so the pain will stop. i dont know what else to do. [please help me."

    What do I do with this??????
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 20, 2018
  20. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Something seems off about that considering he left you a personal message with 3 different phone numbers.I wouldn't call any of them it sound's like some sort of scam as I personally dont recall such a person reaching out for help publicly anywhere on this site.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 20, 2018
    Dominica likes this.