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In need of some advice

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by S24, Jul 30, 2015.

  1. S24

    S24 Member

    I recently posted my story about my boyfriend who has some addiction problems related to his lifestyle (money, power) and drugs.
    We broke up but have still been talking and i have been trying to be supportive while still setting boundaries in order to protect myself and to eliminate any enabling.
    But there have been times when he won't answer his phone, mainly because he is either sleeping or has just separated himself from his phone.
    Last night he was driving to his hometown 4 hours away from him and he didnt answer his phone for 3 hours. On top of this, he was also with a person who i know is toxic for him (he says this person is trying to get clean also, but i really dont think he is a good influence on him). This caused me to have some sort of anxiety attack due to past events when he didn't answer his phone while he was under the influence and in danger of harming himself.
    When he finally answered, i lost all the control i have been working on and allowed my anger and panic to show while crying and hyperventilating to him on the phone. I feel so terrible about it because i know this does not help him or myself-especially because he is showing signs of recognizing that he has a problem and wants to change.
    Has this happened to anyone before? And if so, what did you do to help yourself when you were in this state of panic?
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2015
  2. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    I am going through kind of the same thing with my OH, except his problem is with drinking and associating with toxic people. It sounds like the 2 of you need a break. That means taking time away where you don't speak to each other so that he can figure out what he wants. It will be hard for you to do, but be strong about it.
  3. juno

    juno Community Champion

    If you have already broken up, it sounds like you need to detache yourself from him to live a healthy life. It doesn't seem like it will do you any good to stay in touch with him until he gets his act together. You seem to be dealing with some attachment issues as well, since you feel the need to call him so often and check on his well being even though he is no longer your boyfriend.
  4. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    Hi @S24! :) Thank you for sharing your story. I share the same thoughts as @juno though. I think your former boyfriend is finally trying to figure out and fix his own life right now and you should also do the same because it seems like you have gotten use to worrying for him that you also need to figure things out by yourself too.

    Since you two have already broken up, I think it's no longer your responsibility to check on him every now and then because it will only make things more complicated for the both of you. Take time to focus on yourself too. You both need to deal with your separate issues for now.

    Don't get me wrong but I think it's best for you guys to really give a bit of space for each other right now. You can still be friends but it will take time before you would be able to do so until you both fix what needs to be fixed from deep within yourselves.
  5. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I have to agree with the others. Since the two of you are already broken up, now is the time for both of you to work on getting your lives together and figuring things out. You both have issues you need to work on and now is the time to do it. You have been worrying and stressing about him and that is causing you so much anxiety but now he seems to be getting his life together so you need to give him that space. In time you two can be friends again but you have to work on healing yourselves first.

    Keep coming here and posting. It will help. We are always here for you! Hugs
    S24 and deanokat like this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I'm with the consensus on this one, @S24. Take this opportunity to practice self-care and get your life back on track. You are the most important person in your life. Period. So take the time to work on you.
    S24 likes this.
  7. jwmann2

    jwmann2 Member

    Just know that if your ex boyfriend has a ton of access (money), he's most likely going to need to lose that source to wake up by either losing his job, spend it all on drugs, or being cut off from his parents before he seeks treatment. If he's still running with a bad crowd, that's a strong sign that he has no intentions of seeking treatment. There are a ton of guys out there. Move on to one that has his head on straight because you're facing a long hard fought road ahead trying to not only get back with but stay with this guy. Relationships are hard enough as it is.
  8. trevermorgana

    trevermorgana Active Contributor

    There are times when you have to be selfish for your own good. If things didn't work out with this person just separate from them even if for a little while in order to let yourself heal after such a difficult time. If he surrounds himself with a bad crowd and didn't listen to you then there's a slight chance things could go wrong and it isn't worth it. If he truly wants to change he would separate himself from these toxic people and until then it might be best to stay away. This just my opinion, best of luck to you.
  9. S24

    S24 Member

    Thank you guys for your support! I agree with everything that has been said. He recently came to my home town and we spent some time together, which we considered to be closure. He seems okay-for now.... He claims he does not want to associate with these people anymore. In fact, the kid he was with got into some legal trouble so maybe G-d answered my prayers. But I won't truly believe he will change until i see it for myself. Anyway, i still plan on distancing myself more than I have been and only time will tell what is in store. Thanks again for the support!
    deanokat and trevermorgana like this.
  10. sonia11

    sonia11 Senior Contributor

    Thanks for giving us the follow up! I'm glad your ex seems to be doing better. Give him (and yourself) some time and see if he can stick to turning over a new leaf.
  11. Ttirb

    Ttirb Active Contributor

    It is always hard not to panic when a person who you are close with, who has a history of addiction, doesn't answer their phone. So many thoughts run through your head. When it that situation it's best to keep calm and when you finally do talk to them try not to freak out, just explain to them that you were worried and that's why you called them.
  12. MoneyFiend

    MoneyFiend Member

    I think the best thing for your situation would be space and time apart from each other. Even try to minimize phone and messaging contact. Bad influences and substance abusing associates are the leading cause of relapse situations. Meeting new people and friends can be a big help in avoiding these types of events. Perhaps you could invite him to a series of different social activities?
  13. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    It seems as though neither one of you is ready to be friends just yet. You both have things you have to figure out in your own lives and he needs to kick his addiction. Maybe with time you can become friends once you have both had time to get your life in order.
  14. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @S24... Thanks for the update. Please know that we are here for you to offer help and support anytime you should need it. Hugs to you.
  15. smartmom

    smartmom Senior Contributor

    Of course this is just my opinion. If you two have broke up why are you still allowing his life to affect you? He is doing his own thing and maybe you should do your own thing. I mean why is his life still so important to you. His life obviously is toxic and still affecting you. Anxiety is a negative spirt that we should not entertain. Life is so full of opportunities and other people that want to do the right things to focus on. If he is not answering his phone when you call, this should tell you something.
    deanokat likes this.
  16. MrAmazingMan1

    MrAmazingMan1 Active Contributor

    It's great that you still care about your boyfriend and are trying to take care of him. But I think it's about time you separate yourself completely. He is no longer a part of your life, and you should move on before you get too attached and caught up in the moment. What your doing is great, but you are putting yourself in a bad position.
    deanokat likes this.
  17. Maniak21

    Maniak21 Member

    I didn't experience this, but I can try to give a piece of advice. Trying to leave him alone may harm him even more. Due to the fact that you help him, your absence might make him fall back into the addiction, or dig himself even more into it, thinking that you abandon him, as he might perceive you as the only person that helps him. So, my advice is to communicate less, not as often as you currently do, that might help the situation, as you won't know every situation he gets into and you might think it's dangerous, so it will help your anxiety problem.
    S24 likes this.
  18. Cheeky_Chick

    Cheeky_Chick Community Champion

    It can be very difficult when you break up with somebody who you obviously still care about to some extent but, hard though it is, you just have to accept the fact that you are not together any more, and try your best to move on from the relationship. It is honestly the only way that you are ever going to be able to move on with your life. It sounds as though you let everything about him stress you out, and that's just no way to live at all. So try to distance yourself a bit. He needs to be given boundaries for your relationship, so that he can learn to recover from his issues in a way that is appropriate for your relationship.
  19. S24

    S24 Member

    Thank you guys for your replies. I have been talking to him less and i do feel that my anxiety has decreased. So far, whenever we do talk (more texting than phone conversations), i talk about the good/exciting things that are happening in my life, while also reminding him that if he ever feels down or needs encouragement i am here to provide that. This feels much better than prying and constantly asking him what he is doing. I plan to continue this, knowing it is the best option for me-at least right now. I am also hoping that by separating myself a little while also showing him some support it can help him. I can only hope though!
    deanokat likes this.
  20. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    That's a great approach, @S24. Sometimes letting go with love is the only thing we can do. It sounds like you're doing that and, at the same time, offering your support. I hope it helps him, too.