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In need of some advice

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by S24, Jul 30, 2015.

  1. S24

    S24 Member

    I recently posted my story about my boyfriend who has some addiction problems related to his lifestyle (money, power) and drugs. It is titled "loving someone with addicted tendencies" in the @share your story" section.
    We broke up but have still been talking and i have been trying to be supportive while still setting boundaries in order to protect myself and to eliminate any enabling.
    But there have been times when he won't answer his phone, mainly because he is either sleeping or has just separated himself from his phone.
    Last night he was driving to his hometown 4 hours away from him and he didnt answer his phone for 3 hours. On top of this, he was also with a person who i know is toxic for him (he says this person is trying to get clean also, but i really dont think he is a good influence on him). This caused me to have some sort of anxiety attack due to past events when he didn't answer his phone while he was under the influence and in danger of harming himself.
    When he finally answered, i lost all the control i have been working on and allowed my anger and panic to show while crying and hyperventilating to him on the phone. I feel so terrible about it because i know this does not help him or myself-especially because he is showing signs of recognizing that he has a problem and wants to change.
    Has this happened to anyone before? And if so, what did you do to help yourself when you were in this state of panic?
  2. sonia11

    sonia11 Senior Contributor

    It seems like you're still really emotionally invested in this situation. If the emotional turmoil of being with your boyfriend was too much, and you broke up because of that, you need to stop continuing to torture yourself now. It sounds like you've assumed personal responsibility for his well-being, since you're checking on him and having panic attacks over where he might be and what he might be doing. Honestly, I think you need to take a step back and separate yourself from his problems more. This is driving you crazy, and it's not a burden you're obligated to carry. You're not your ex-boyfriend's keeper, only he is. I totally understand worrying for him, but you can't make him change or act the way you want him to. By all means, catch up every now and then to see how he's doing, but go take care of yourself and let him do what he's going to do. Raising your anxiety level and his by pouring your heart out to him isn't helping either of you.
  3. MyDigitalpoint

    MyDigitalpoint Community Champion

    It's painful really, but it's not longer your responsibility nor your concern, unless you are planning to get back.

    For the story that you shared with us first, I don't believe that reconciliation can change things, and only will hurt you again. So stop calling him up, because he might be aware of your worrisome and do those things (not answering the phone, meet with people you dislike) just to make sure to himself that you are still under his "power and influence."

    You are still emotionally linked to him, but keep it to yourself until you find the way out with someone who really deserve your love.
  4. MNyte

    MNyte Member

    It has not happened to me ever, but I may deduce your dedication and a hint of his growing will to stop. Instead of mentally damaging yourself, see if he really is the person you long for.
  5. Soni226

    Soni226 Member

    Hey got some bad news that my boyfriend is using cocain I no he smoke weed already how can you help me
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Soni226... I suggest that you sit down with your boyfriend and have a heart to heart conversation with him. Talk to him about his cocaine use and let him know that you're concerned. Ask him to get some help and see what his response is.