Inspiration from the Darkness

I've been addicted to alcohol and love for a long time..

Recently, I started writing again and stopped drinking daily and found worth in myself. I found myself thinking about all the labels that have been a part of me. I want to share them with you all, not because I want any applause, but because I accept my past and embrace who I really am:

I am:

cautious, labyrinthine, secretive, lost, confused, brazen, independent, indestructible, miraculous, devastating, trapped, please others for approval, scars inside and out, addiction, hiding, erasing, running but past always catches up, adventuresome, sadness, disconnect, various drug treatments for depression and anxiety, discovering, foolishness idealistic, stubborn, belief in love, sympathy for others, capable of great kindness, neglect, selfishness, poor choices, thoughts of death, exclusion, lonely, distinct, vivid, real, belief in Random Acts of Kindness, teacher, patient, supportive, contemplating, academic achievement, lost and broken dreams, second and third and fourth chances, unique, resourceful, professional, humorous, loves children, curious about neuroanatomy and linguistics, people-watcher, introspective, reader of multiple books at a time, intermittent Spanish student, disgraceful at math, hate politics and violence, non-voter,sensitive, stressed, participant in NaNo, novelist, music lover, inspiration finder, searcher for Wisdom in everything, traveler, caver, photographer, afraid of oceans, childish, awestruck, proud of my children, breathing

Well done RoseK. You sound like a really interesting person with a lot to offer. I wish you every strength in staying well!

It is great to hear that you took the time to self-reflect and know that you are making a good strides to complete happiness. It has taken me a long time to see my true self and accept who I am and who I want to be. I send good vibes your way.

A Glimpse from Inside the Monster: A Meditation

"What is stifling you?"

My inner monkey mind drawing on false conclusions, paranoia, uselessness, laziness, unproductivity
Afraid to open pandora’s box into my inner subconcsious to see who I truly was and am without censorship
Afraid that I am as mentally ill as my youngest sister
Afraid that I will never be successful in anything
That I will someday slip back into the darkness that I fought so hard to climb out of
That I wont ever feel normal that I will be battling thse demons forever

”Now that you’ve cleared the way, what is it you want to say?”

I want to be able to relax myself and be strong enough to overcome my long habit of alcohol
I want to learn what it means to be part of a family all of it..the fighting, the long-standing history, permanent personalities, and love…yes, love
I want to say that I am more than the sum of my bad decisions and that I accept the consequences and I will learn the lessons eventually…just like everyone else on this planet

“What must you be patient about?”

With my mind-how it flits from one concept and idea to something completely different
With my body-my tics, depression and anxiety as well as my addictions
Type of work-not to be worn down or frustrated by menial tasks..to not give up
Daily routine-not only get used to it, but embrace it and find joy in ordinary moments

Thank you for sharing that. It is very insightful into yourself and also jump starts introspection in me when I read it. Seeing others taking these steps and considering these things is inspirational for me.

I can find a lot of myself in these labels, a lot a lot a lot. I also participated in NaNo! Was great.
I am not an addict, but I do have an obsessive personality that leads me to compulsively get absorbed into something for a while -- but then if I get distracted it's something else. I sometimes wonder if the only reason why I'm not an addict or an alcoholic is because of my family's influence -- the bad examples my dad and his family set forth, and the greed of my mom. I really sometimes wonder if I'm not just too greedy to spend a lot of money on something that will be so soon gone as drugs... Haha.

You are indeed not the sum of your mistakes; you look like a very interesting person, one I'd get friends with without a second thought. Have a good one.

Encouragement should come first, and they should primarily come from the ones closest to you, your mother, your sister, your grandmother, your cousins, your best friends. Once they've encouraged you, you'd know that you are not fighting alone, that with them you fight. So, you get inspired, not for yourself, but for the people who believe in you, that you can do it. More than that you don't want to disappoint yourself, you don't want to disappoint the people who are important to you, those people to whom you are willing to give your life.

I spent a couple decades bottling up my emotions, thoughts and experiences just to fit into a nice, presentable "box." Looking back at all the time spent seeking approval and letting others make my decisions...I am tempted to let anger overtake me. I am beginning to realize that I have a choice in how I respond to my past: scorching rage or lessons that shaped me into who I am currently. I remind myself everyday that I have a choice how I can respond to life.

RoseK, you are the author of your own life, just like every other man, woman, or entity that is and has ever existed! Like a seed that finds the best soil to grow itself into a strong and massive tree: one must know self first, dream of your existential goal and purpose, make a plan, find standards to which one wishes to position upon, and then plant oneself firmly into one's believed foundation in order to grow oneself towards a better and healthier life! I used to listen to other people's advices and opinions, but that can only get one so far because they do not live like one had experience and what one wishes to live for, they have their own dreams and desires. And for all the naysayers and haters who put one down, such people are simply afraid of one's potential to achieve more than they ever did in their pathetic lives!

Take care and stay safe, and continue persisting on your goal to be a better individual RoseK.

Don't worry Rose. The way I see it, you're back on track. Love is definitely an elusive thing and it has the power to drive even the most prim and proper of human beings to the brink of self-disdain. Still, more than anything else, you must also learn to love yourself. When you finally come to terms with your own person - flaws, warts and all - you'll be able to find the love you're looking for. All the best!

Wow, I can identify to this, too. I used to be a pretty bratty kid who spoke loud and all, up to the day someone mentioned it was annoying. Since then, I have mumbled more than I spoke, and I always overthink my words and end up not saying them because I think, What could I have to contribute? and I don't want to inconvenience anybody.

And it's so easy to drift away from your path in the flow of all the comments you get from the outside.

I'm happy that you, like I, don't drift anymore and took back control. Anger is a waste of energy better spent on tracing your path. And writing your stories. Emotions should not be repressed! Let's do this, huh? This is truly an inspiring post.

I'm glad you took back control It's amazing that more people don't realize how dangerous anger really can be. Awareness and clarity can be a blessing and a curse, can't it? How do you like to express yourself? Do you write?

So true! I've been practicing the art of being able to stand myself lately I've also been proactive about different aspects of my mental and physical health and so far has been very positve! Just wish I could have come to these conclusions with my family. Think there will always be a pang of regret hiding in my soul.

Yes, I write. I also participated in NaNo this year! Lots of the time, my writing is mixed up, but much more clear than if I try to talk it out loud. Many times, if I have too many feelings, I have to write it down, it's like an exorcism for me, just pull it all out of my mind to make sense of it! I write fiction and nonfiction, poetry and essays, etc. I remember reading an article about how people regularly writing got over their pains, mental AND physical, faster and easier!

I never had drug addictions or anything, but I let myself spiral down a lot, isolating myself and just making a mess around me until I disgusted myself so much that I had no option but make it better. And I have my issues with myself, with my confidence and all. Which is why I can identify with your words, as well as the experiences of other people. It's important to regain self worth and direction!

Do you write daily? I've been taking prompts out of "Old Friend from Far Away" by Natalie Goldberg that has helped me call up past events and memories..sometimes humorous and sometimes painful. Those are hard for me to write about but after I put them all down and consider them as separate, it feels so good.

Thanks for sharing RoseK, that was beautiful. Congratulations on your recovery. I would wish you luck in maintaining it, but I'm certain you don't need it at all!

If everyone could self-reflect and assess themselves honestly like you did, the world would be a much greater place!

I used to write more than now. In November, I wrote like a fury every day for my novel, and some poetry on the side. These days, I picked up writing again, but I've not done this much creative writing. Slowly getting back into it. I write a lot of nonsense to explore the new characters I want to work with. But in a way, I consider talking to people on different forums also an act of writing, in a way. Conversing with others is almost as effective for me as walking alone in the dark, when it comes to inspiration!

It seems to be a book to buy. Interesting. What are the most interesting prompts you've gotten so far?

A lot of descriptions here... I used to do the same. I wanted to "label" things somehow. To put them into perspective. But one day, it occurred to me that silence is the key for me. I didn't want to search any longer for any kind of logic in all the things that had happened to me. I just wanted silence. I went to a quiet place for a long time. In that time I practiced conscious awareness. Being in the moment, not trying to analyse anything. Only gently moving from one moment into the next...

Very cool Silence can be so delicious! I try to bring mindfulness into my day as much as possible. I liken it to a soft place to rest.

That is a hard answer to pin down One of the more unusual prompts went something like this:

“People are complicated. Don’t expect to understand the whole of them. They are like the French language. They delude the American mouth. Those vowels, those breaths. You try to capture on the page a woman you love and she springs from your hand. The third you left out is the real third. You add it and it splits into an unknown fourth. There will always be a dust mote, a bird hovering, a cloud drifting-something ungraspable.” -Natalie Goldman

“Draw a gesture in words about five people you know.”

One of my responses:

Tabitha: my daughter, first born, sweet baby/angel baby, has gone through a lot of hard times since she was little, big sister, jealous, brilliant, video gamer, daddy’s little girl, quiet, private, wears emotions on her sleeve, not a big phone talker, thirteen, finally a reader, sees a counselor about her feelings for me, lived with my mother off and on since she was little, close to her grandparents and great-grandparents, loves her aunts and knows her cousins, lives with her father and his girlfriend, excels in school, loves to run, very good in math (something I’ve never been good at), currently interested in Marvel comics