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introducing myself

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Aodafml2, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. Aodafml2

    Aodafml2 Senior Contributor

    I recently picked up a new habit that has me at the end, I found this forum and thought it would be a good place to start.
    so..Hello and thanks.
    I'm in my 40s and been aoda for all my adult life. been on opiates daily.. ben on sub.last 6 yrs that always a constant, it's a part of me that I'm stuck with, I've tried getting off and cant..not now anyways.
    so with that as a constant. I drink like a Fish. I can go days even months without it. I am a full blown alcoholic.. sometimes drinking is better with a little blow. had my battles with that. in my 30s. more recently started doing meth, NEVER in my life thought I'd have a meth prob..its been 30ish days since my first bump..and havnt stopped since. lmao ( me thinking I'd never have a meth problem) more like. it was just a matter of time..anyways this new drug has me.
    I could never really help my depression or all the negative shame,guilt. feelings..tried meds. didnt give them a fair chance with all the vodka and methadone I consumed. at the time. But since I lost my pops 2 Jul.ago I've been struggling, On top of that my moms been drinking herself to death on purpose, she has maybe has 3 months but really could be any day now...
    what I'm getting at is. I really want to give up. the last few years have been **** piled onto a bigger piece of **** life that I alredy lived..we have all been depressed..this doesn't let up for me and wont unless I make a change, I wish i hadn't isolated so much, maybe i wouldn't be so socially retarded..and could give meetings another try. I'm sure there gonna be in my near future. I'm surely not going to one tweaking and as soon as I'm done weaning down and functionable prob. go

    That's me outlining it. theres obviously alot of great aspects of my life. most of them Ive destroyed but I think I can fix my family. and that's really all that matters to me...going to be a long road. thanks for reading.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Welcome to The Forum. Thanks for reaching out. I'm glad to hear that you're ready for a big lifestyle change. I'm curious as to know if you've ever been to a treatment center. Either inpatient or outpatient. I think either one of those will be necessary in order to get you walking steadily on the recovery path. A counselor too. Of course you can add meetings to that and do a good bit of inner work everyday on healing and recovery. I'm sure you're aware that it's a process and a journey, and recovery is a zig-zagging uphill and downhill path, and we will be here to support and encourage you the whole way.

    It's going to take a real gut level honesty with yourself and others. And hard work.... But recovery is possible, so don't ever give up on it.

    Underneath all that addiction is a good soul....start peeling back the layers.....

    and know that we're here!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Hello and welcome, First off I am sorry to hear about your dad,I don't know what it feels like to lose a parent yet but my dad is fighting several forms of cancer so unfortunately I will know sooner than later, also sorry to hear about your mom,I know all to well what waiting on that day feels like as my mom has been diabetic over 30+year's and I have been lucky enough to pull her back from death more time's than I can remember and emotionally that fuc*s with me a lot, I also know what it feels like to feel like your at the end,I have struggled for over 20 year's with everything except sunlight, so ya isolation..socially retarded all to real for me.I cane to this site almost 10 month's ago and it has honestly been a life saver,being socially retarded being able to start on this 4.5 LCD screen has been a big help.I just recently started going back to N/A and it helps but I definitely feel uncomfortable, I hear the stories and somehow they help,just to not feel alone like I'm the only one and to hear another person describe what I feel..but in their life really is like a lifeline to the rest of the world.I know your in a dark place right now,very similar struggle but I want you to know there is hope,it's not easy, in fact it's the hardest thing I have ever done but it's worth it,I am going to share my story with you just so you can have an idea of what I have been through and I want you to know I am on this site everyday at one point or another so if nothing else you can reach out and just say whatever you need to say.The people on this site are great,they will always be uplifting, I didn't believe it in the beginning but I am now a believer.Stay Strong my friend you are not alone.

    This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, @Aodafml2. I'm glad you found us and decided to join us. And I'm thrilled to hear that you want to make a change in your life. That desire is a huge first step and I'm proud of you for taking it.

    Like @Dominica said, it's going to take hard work and gut-level honesty. It definitely won't be easy, but I can guarantee that it will be incredibly worth it. And I know you can do it!

    We are here to help, support, and listen. You are not alone!! So please consider us part of your recovery network and come and lean on us anytime you need to.

    Sending you lots of hope and encouragement.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  5. Aodafml2

    Aodafml2 Senior Contributor

    Hi Dominica
    thanks for the kind supportive words. yes I have been to rehab
    inhouse 2 Julys ago.prob. was mt dad was laying in the hospital and needed me..he passed now. but I couldn't concentrate on didnt go well for me when I was there. 45ish days and I couldn't stand being me..I dont know who sober me is..been on opiate daily20+yrs. only time clean was that time and 2 -30day stays jail...and I dont expect to snap back, but it's so easy for me..I am feel good again and that's my problem..I feel it's to late. I truly am at my rock bottom. no $ no insurance. isolated to the point I quit $68000 year job. moms killin herself with vodka.(anytime now) my kid hates me I think.or shes disgusted with me at the least. says it to me all the time..girlfriend just wants me to work and be the old me..the problem is the old me was drunk and drugged too, unless go back to 16yrs you can see I'm backed into a corner oh and I have a new addiction with meth..been a month now...realy am not a strong willed person..without money or ins. no support. I have nowhere to go..I'm probably gonna try state insurance. hope that works..did last time. Im a real gem right now
    really hard to find any good. I'm sure u hear this all the time sorry.... keep my pity party to myself..thx to you and all you do here on this does help...its just not I said to late most likley... .thx
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  6. Aodafml2

    Aodafml2 Senior Contributor

    WOW thanks man..
    your story is inspiring. I do feel it's to late. 2 julys ago I was at an inhouse treatment center 45ish days the longest time I've been clean. and I couldn't stand the feeling of being in my own that was when my dad was in the hospital. it was and always to easy to feel better. well you see how that worked out for me. this bigger than me. and I'm not strong willed, I've pretty much decided that I need to give it 1 last try. when I wont be distracted from recovery. last time my pops now my mom. but with her its different. After she refused a liver from the transplant list and grabbed the bottle..after 4 years sober. I've been saying my goodbyes to her for a while, it's a selfish and shity way to go. and we all have to watch it..this sounds really bad...but I hope she goes sooner than later, for her , I've seen it before with my dads girlfriend 10 years hard to see someone u love not know who you are..sorry getting off point..b
    So I know I need to get better my problem is, besides being weak and negative. I quit my good job :to isolate w/meth" so no$.. no support.
    I am gonna try and get state aid.its really my only option. unless I catch a charge to get locked up. Sounds dumb I know but I would love a 2-4 month lock up. how desperate I feel. but that's 2nd..1st try the insurance.
    I just feel stuck, ya know.

    I really am thankful you shared your story with me and most of all, "that nurse" wow ... and the twist of who her son was..
    This forum really does help alot.
    I seen an article on the home page about how forums are bad for rcovery,, i thought?????? you have a forum why is that here..regardless I'm glad..thanks so much to you. and everyone else too. 1 more makes a HUGE difference to know that you had similar story. alot more comforting to open up..I hate book smart counselors/people that try to tell me how I feel..I'm sure theres great counselors...I just havnt met 1...maybe it's my negativity.....thx bud
    deanokat, True concern and Dominica like this.
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    I think the best healers are those that have been through the fire fires of Hell themselves. Deep levels of pain, and have crawled out inch by inch. Techniques help too though!! ;)

    If you have to go all the way back to 16 years old, try to remember that guy. Or maybe even 13 or 14 or 10 or 12 when there was an innocence about you and the world hadn't tainted your spirit so much. So we've got to look at your whole life, and perhaps even your parents life and their parents. What kinds of legacies have they left for you? What kinds of unhealed wounds have been trickling down your lineage? Addiction is one. Your mom couldn't heal it, but you still have the opportunity to. I'm not sure if this will make sense to you, as I can't always paint the picture I want and words on a forum.

    I came here to have the opportunity to heal what my parents couldn't...and i'm busting my a$$ on every level in order to do so... for me, and for my lineage....

    If you started using as a teenager, then emotionally you're probably coping with life as a teenager would. And that's even if you learned how to cope in healthy ways as a child. Most of us don't. I grew up with a alcoholic father and a clinically depressed mother and I learned unhealthy ways to cope with life and feelings. In the way that I refused to feel feelings and pretended everything was hunky-dory. Until I hit my emotional breakdown in my mid-30s . You can only stuff things down so far until you blow up like a balloon and bust open. Right?

    That's kind of the way us humans were designed. You know we come here as these pure innocent babies, as little precious spirits and then we hit life and sometimes we're in dysfunctional homes and our parents are doing their best but their parenting at a certain Consciousness level, oftentimes passing their unhealed wounds onti US and the cycle continues. But we're always given opportunity throughout life just stop, take a look around and take a look inside and say what the hell? This is not how I want to live on this planet because I'm only here for a certain amount of time. So I'm drawing a line in the sand and doing whatever it takes to make some big changes!!!!

    I didn't become addicted to drugs. Well, I had my bout with alcohol in my teen and college years. I became addicted to people. But that still landed me in a lot of emotional pain, so I get emotional pain and the feeling like you want to kill yourself or numb out or run or Escape. I'm not a stranger to numbing my emotions via alcohol either. But I'm also not a stranger to working the hell out of a recovery path, a healing path, peeling layer after layer after layer and sometimes screaming out a hot mess in the process.

    I encourage you to keep trying. If you can get state aid then get it and go to treatment. There are other options as well. Therapist are helpful. If you're not feeling as if you're getting help, try another therapist. They're are spiritual directors. (That darn inner void, huh?????)

    There's psychics and intuitive people. There's Community groups dedicated to helping people get free from emotional woundedness and step into their more authentic and Powerful selves. There's thousands of helpful books and videos that can be useful. They're support groups. Modern day shaman (very interesting)

    And there's even this little forum for encouragement. It's nice to know that you're not alone and that there are strangers who want the best for you. We don't have all the answers and we're not even therapists here, but we do have huge hearts. And we've been through some tough stuff! And we don't judge no matter what. We're going to mirror to you your good soul and hold space for you while you work your way toward getting back in touch with it.

    Peace, blessings, and big friendly hug coming your way!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  8. Aodafml2

    Aodafml2 Senior Contributor

    ...I like your wording I think that is almost exactly what I was getting at with the reply I just posted.
    starting with the most important an fight through all these vices
    thx again : )
    deanokat, True concern and Dominica like this.
  9. Aodafml2

    Aodafml2 Senior Contributor

    Hey again
    I was coming back to let ya know I got my insurance. my caseworker extradited for me. so....I get to go to detox mon. morning for approval and start immediately. then from there go to Chris s Farley House of Rebos.
    That's where I was 2 julys ago.and was distracted with my dads cancer. I really couldn't focus on my probs.I know the guy that runs that and a few other institution types...either way. I'm relieved.
    .When I opened this message originally I thought it was done where the emoji is. it lined up on my screen to look like a complete message. So I just read the rest. and once again thx.( I am not used to all the kindness and positivity) I hope you dont think I meant anything by the comments I made on other posts about having ex/ users that can relate *(counselors and support people) seems like maybe you were hinting a little.
    You have to know..I'd never intentionally down play the significance of all the other aspects of recovery. that are much more important than understanding the physical pain.the emotional pain is something I need help with.that is far more important in my case..I have no clue how to operate those things... never have.....I can relate to users and dont feel judged. I'm intimidated by smart people who know how/why I am, the way I am better than I know myself. I believe it's my insecurities knowing that I'm half dead from the choices I've made. and regrets of not trying to better myself sooner. THATS JUST DUMB...I never was good at think I'm wandering,sorry...i hope i wasnt off base with what you wrote and how I interpreted it. And this goes for anyone on this forum thanks for taking the time for me. and All that seek the scary reality of a new begining..thx
  10. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Beautiful post, @Dominica! :)
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  11. Aodafml2

    Aodafml2 Senior Contributor

    I agree!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  12. ozy_comfy

    ozy_comfy Member

    Good for you! Good luck! Will be rooting for you!
    deanokat likes this.
  13. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Aodafml2... How are you doing, my friend? If you get a chance, let us know. Thinking about you and sending you tons of positive juju. :)
    True concern likes this.
  14. Aodafml2

    Aodafml2 Senior Contributor

    Hey @deanokat
    going on day 4 no meth....the withdrawl from it is nothing compared to the misery of opiate withdrawl.
    It really is a relief, definitely feeling down, but hopefull, so far so good.
    Friday I go to inhouse sober living. I hope to go where I was back in2017, theres a possibility of 4 different places. I'd definitely be less uncomfortable at the others being that they are co-ed.
    (no offense ladys)...
    To much drama, I hear, from counselors,and other addicts.
    I hope everyone else here is doing there best and wish anyone who's going through this battle or any other, The best of luck. 1 long a$$ day at a time..I will check in with the forum after I get settled into my temp. living quarters...Thanks again for the support and encouragement to you guys/gal..yall know who you are..sincerely.....THANK YOU I'm gonna go back to bed...Have a good day everyone.
    deanokat, True concern and Dominica like this.
  15. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Aodafml2 wait, what? women are emotional? hahahhahah

    I'm so glad to hear that you're going to an in-house living arrangement. I think that will definitely help you! Yes, check in with us once you get all situated. Know that we're rooting for you and praying for you!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  16. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Proud of you my friend, extremely proud.
    deanokat likes this.
  17. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Congrats on Day 4, @Aodafml2! That's awesome! And it's great that you're going to a sober living house, too. I think sober living homes are a huge help to people in early recovery. I hope you get to go where you'd like. I think it's always better if you feel as comfortable as possible.

    Definitely check in with us when you get settled. And continue to use us for support. We are here for you and we care...a lot!
    True concern likes this.