So I've been struggling with addiction my whole adult life. I've gone from cocaine to xanex to opiates to now adderall. I'm so tired of this obsession and the fact my life revolves around this drug use. What a waste of life! I'm 34 and I'm still young. I don't want to look back when I'm older and look at how I threw my life away the way I already threw my 20s away. I've tried everything from rehab to psych hospitals to out patient iop. I see a substance abuse counselor now who is helping me figure out the root of my addiction. I believe it comes from emotional trauma and I'm numbing emotions. The problem is I'm not a group type person. My son is mildly autistic and I think I am as well. I have bad social anxiety and when I go to meetings I try to raise my hand and talk, I try to reach out for help. But then I start to panic and think I'll be taken as a joke (I KNOW that people won't think that way about me. But part of my brain I don't have access to believes that and it overrides what I know), my mind begins to spin and the people in the room start to echo because my ears start ringing. I get dizzy and put my head down and try to breathe before a panic attack takes over. Sometimes I really think it is a DEMON living in my body and reacting that way in meetings on purpose. So I stay quiet, leave the rooms as soon as it's over then light up a joint to calm down from the anxiety I feel after being in a room full of strangers. I know this sounds bizarre or like an excuse but it's true. Yes I should accept I have social anxiety and deal with it. Yes i know smoking a joint isn't really helping me. Facing my emotions is what I need to learn how to do. But everyone says the only way to beat this demon once and for all is to go to meetings. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. How does one do that when getting to a meeting, sitting through one and actually opening up to strangers causes so much anxiety?