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Is it Ever OK to just say to a person; " I'm Done with you"?

Discussion in 'Questions About Treatment' started by bigbrain50, Nov 28, 2014.

  1. bigbrain50

    bigbrain50 Member

    Ok I have a question, what if you have a friend, or a member of your family, whom you've helped so much, contributed time effort and money in order to help this individual get better, but they always slip back, and its like they're not even trying to get better, they have this devil may care attitude, they go on drunken rampages, they steal, they're always in trouble, at what point can you just say"enough" and turn your back on them.
    CpXi7z1 likes this.
  2. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    Everyone has limits beyond which they can't go. While one should stick by an addict 'through thick and thin', once their actions prove that they don't appreciate what they are getting from you then what's the point in wasting your life trying to help someone who isn't willing to be helped? If you feel someone is unwilling to change then just let go.
  3. sammy

    sammy Active Contributor

    Yes, I think it is. I mean not in those exact words but I think it is ok to let someone know that you have done all you can for them at a certain point and won't be able to help them anymore until they can help themselves. I think this is easier said then done and the guilt that can come with it leads people to stick it out longer than they should.
  4. stariie

    stariie Community Champion

    I think that when a relationship/friendship starts to wear you down, drag you down, and stress you out, it is time to make a change.

    I don't think it's turning your back on them so much as it is standing up for your own life. Putting some distance and borders in place where your life can bloom and blossom. Contributing to the growth of your own garden, so to speak, as opposed to giving away your goods to help someone else's garden grow, and they don't appreciate it.

    Standing up for your own life, your own happiness, your own peace of mind, your very significant right to keep your money, and protect your time, as opposed to helping enable someone else, well, that's powerful stuff.

    Sometimes it's very mandatory to let someone know, "I love you, but I love myself too. Therefore, in order for me to care for myself better (because your actions are really taking a toll on me), for now (and maybe forever), I have to love you from a distance.
    A 'no-call, no-contact, no-text, no-communication-at-all' distance"
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2014
    Teresa likes this.
  5. JoshPosh

    JoshPosh Community Champion

    I am all about tough love. That's the way I was raised and I still use it til this day. You have to set limit to how much you can afford mentally. When one person's problem start to hinder your personally well being, then it's time to cut the cord. It's not that you're being insensitive or cruel, it's just that you are can identify a ongoing problem that is consuming you, and it shouldn't be that way. Your problems shouldn't be mine. Simple as that.
  6. NikkiDesrosiers

    NikkiDesrosiers Senior Contributor

    yes and no. Sometimes - a person will not realize how bad things can get until they reach rock bottom - a place where they have nothing and no one because everyone has stopped enabling them and their addictions. You have to keep in mind though -that is a very dark time for most people. Addicts who have no support system or at least one person who cares enough to try and make a difference in their life are likely not to have as much of a chance of recovery as those who do.
    RoseK likes this.
  7. Ohyesuare

    Ohyesuare Member

    I think when you've had enough then you've had enough. There is only so much you can do for someone who is unwilling to be helped or change. At least you can look back on things and say that you tried your best to help someone who is in need. I don't think you should ever feel guilty for trying to help someone who just refuses to be helped. A lot of people do though which is sad. I hope you are able to resolve the matter in question so that it works out for everyone.
  8. notodrugs

    notodrugs Community Listener Community Listener

    This is a very tough question. I can't imagine turning my back on either one of my daughters even in worst situations. God forbid but if that happens, I cannot just leave her alone. I won't back off but I will be tough if I need to in the sense that if she has to stay in rehab for years, then she has to. But I will still be there to support and love her no matter what. I will follow the rules set by the program and all the after-treatment and support I need to provide. If the program says I need to step aside for her to see her mistakes, I will do it provided that I know she's safe and it is the only way for her to recover. But I will constantly coordinate with the rehab and make sure she's progressing. I am not even sure if there is indeed a treatment like that. Anyway, what I'm saying is I'll do whatever it takes but I will constantly be there. I don't know but I am coming from a mother's point of view. I won't give up.
  9. Teresa

    Teresa Senior Contributor

    I think it is ok to say "I'm done". In some situations you have to to save yourself. I spent years trying to "save" someone and it was a never ending nightmare, a 20 year long nightmare.
    stariie likes this.
  10. Mockingbird

    Mockingbird Member

    Your right Nikki, it is very hard when you are in an active addiction to know how bad things can get because the mind is working very different then a sober persons mind. Support systems are very important to people who have addictions, but sadly love alone is not always enough to help a person break the cycle. I think first of all there has to be an understanding as to why there is the addiction to begin with, and as we know those reasons can vary.

    One of the best things that can be done if you want to be supportive is try to get your own issues dealt with first, like addiction sometimes mental illness can really slant a persons perceptions on the reason why things are like they are. I have one friend that has a personality disorder that you would think was because his father was an alcoholic, but as it turns out that was just the tip of the iceberg. Seems dad had a personality disorder as well i would be hard pressed to abandon someone with an addiction simply because to me it is like a disability. Would you leave a blind person? It doesn't mean you can't set healthy ground rules.
  11. geegee

    geegee Active Contributor

    This is a difficult situation. I'm sure it's painful and you'll feel guilty when you decide that your effort is just being wasted but sometimes it has to be done. He/she is not your only responsibility after all. You also have a responsibility to yourself not to surround yourself with toxic people. Sometimes a break from him/her might not only be good for you but for the person as well as he/she might realize just how big the effect of his/her use is.
  12. Onionman

    Onionman Active Contributor

    I think it's hard putting yourself out there for someone that clearly doesn't have the capacity to show you respect in return. The trouble is ultimatums don't always work for people that a quite willing to destroy themselves, never mind drag other people down with them.

    I tend to be a big believer in being there for someone in their time of need. But not at the expense of yourself. If you find yourself being dragged down, let go - don't let them do that too you. But if you're able to stay strong, by there for when they need you. They just might not be ready to hear the message that is obviously clear to everyone else.
  13. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    I think you have the right to cut off the relationship once you experience harm from that person, and it would only be up to you how long you'd want to put up with it further, but surely you wouldn't need to and no one would expect you to. It's good to help but it shouldn't come to the expense of your own life because you also have your own problems. I'm not saying you shouldn't help your friends at all, I'm just saying it's not required and anything further is purely grace.
    Teresa likes this.
  14. stariie

    stariie Community Champion

    I agree with you here. I think that when it becomes a situation of "it's either you or me" you have to put yourself first and say, "I chose me."
    Some people, not all, but some, will continue to use you, and use you, and use you until you have the guts to say, "I'm done." It's sad too, because the whole reason that we help someone for so long is because we hold out hope for them, only to have them show us that we were wrong all along... that we should have been done a long time ago.
    Charli and Teresa like this.
  15. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    There will be a limit on anything like your patience, resources and care.
    Hard to totally let go of someone that you used to cared and loved but there are just times that setting them free will be better for you. If your life is also becoming a mess because of holding on, better to let go or have a break.
    Teresa likes this.
  16. ally79

    ally79 Member

    Yes, it is okay to just say I have had enough. Addicts have a way of worming into your life to the point that it negatively impacts your own personal life and family and sometimes there comes a point where you just have to walk away. It doesn't mean you don't love them or you don't care it just means that you have to put your own well-being and that of your family first.
  17. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    Good point. To be fair, though I think the people who choose to obsessively help those types of people are doing it for their own selfish reasons and thus it makes the relationship symbiotic. For one reason or another they do this, probably to feel needed or something similar, and it's why we get so many if what we call enablers in society.
  18. mimsee

    mimsee Active Contributor

    When it comes to a point that their actions and their unwillingness to help themselves overwhelms you and you feel like you're reached the end of your rope, there's really nothing you can do except remove the person from your life. It may be harsh but you've already done everything in your power to help them and it's not working. You have to live your own life. You have to do what is best for yourself.

    A lot of the time if you keep going back and helping the person who isn't even willing to help themselves it is really just enabling them to continue what they're doing. If they feel like someone is there to pull them out of the water they won't want to do it for themselves and they're stuck in a cycle. Sometimes the best thing you can do for an addict is leave them to figure things out for themselves.
  19. Davienna

    Davienna Community Champion

    There has to be a breaking point in our lives, that point when we can do but no more and we feel the need to display some tough love. Surprisingly, this may be the very thing that will cause that person to acknowledge how serious you are and how tired you are of the particular situation. When they care even a little about the relationship you two share, then that will be an eye opener as they will not want to lose you.
  20. Zyni

    Zyni Community Champion

    I probably wouldn't use those words, but yeah, I think there does come a time when we have to cut ties. You can't help people who don't want help. It doesn't mean you don't care, but you can't let yourself get dragged down with them.