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Is it Ever OK to just say to a person; " I'm Done with you"?

Discussion in 'Questions About Treatment' started by bigbrain50, Nov 28, 2014.

  1. Teresa

    Teresa Senior Contributor

    I think your way off on this, more likely reason that someone will stay and try so long before saying I am done is because the addicted person cares only about themselves and their own needs and are very manipulative. I actually should edit this because in reading my comment I realized something, I am relating things to one specific person that I had to be done with for my own safety, would he have been a manipulative abuser without being a dope addict and pill popper..probably. I have been away from him for four years but as recent as a week ago had a call that he is once again in the mental hospital and I "HAVE" to go see him or he will kill himself. When I talk about addictions and how to help someone if relation to this person, I am sure I seem very bitter, but I DO believe you can not make someone change or get well if they do not choose that for themselves. in the context of my sons addiction, I did not give up on him but he willingly went to a rehab facility and wanted help, yes he messed up and was kicked out of rehab, yes I have trust issues with him, but I see he has and is making an effort to be and stay clean.
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2014
  2. mimsee

    mimsee Active Contributor

    Exactly. This is what I was getting at with my post but I just couldn't figure out how to word it. I love the way you worded it, though. "You can't help people who don't want help."

    They have to find that moment when it just clicks for them that they can't continue the way they're going. They will never become clean until they have that moment for themselves and it cannot be forced upon them.
  3. amethyst

    amethyst Community Champion

    I think to drop someone like a "hot potato" is not exactly nice. If you have helped someone out who just keeps slipping back into the same old patterns, your energy and other resources get drained quickly. You have to protect yourself and set limits. Perhaps, if you offered a helping hand in the past, it's time now to only give a proverbial "resolute handshake". It doesn't mean that you are giving up on the person. You are only changing some things, making it clear that you are not to be taken for granted.
  4. primalclaws1974

    primalclaws1974 Senior Contributor

    Unfortunately, some people are not going to hit rock bottom until they lose every friend, every family member, and feel like they are completely alone in the world. Some actually are. This is what is needed for some people to pick up the pieces and start moving up again. Would I feel good about saying it to someone? No. I would probably feel guilty, but in the end, it might save their life.
    Teresa likes this.
  5. CpXi7z1

    CpXi7z1 Member

    Caregivers and friends become emotionally invested and often disappointed during a loved one's struggle with addiction. It's painful to cut ties, but for your sanity and so you can move on with your life, it's in your best interest. When to do so depends on you. Are you so emotionally and financially depleted that you've lost who you are and your direction in life? Are you fed up with the broken promises and failed attempts at living a sober life? Before you turn your back, if you are willing to commit to this promise, tell the addict you will be there to support him or her when that person sticks with the commitment to remain sober.
  6. jade870

    jade870 Active Contributor

    I don't know if I would say this to a person that I loved or even a family member. In the past when I was growing up I had many friends that were either drinking are doing some type of drug. And yes the situation was most aggravating I saw my loved ones and my friends go downhill so fast in life. Often some of them would come to me for help and place to stay or bed to sleep in. There are many times that I have said yes to all of this of always fed them and given them a place to later head at night. It got to the point where some of them were stealing from me and different other things, so I stopped for a while. Once I realize that nothing could be done in order to strive to help someone that didn't want to get off drugs, I started to be much tougher on them. In so many words I would tell them that I will always love them, I will always pray for you, but as far as anything else I cannot allow that type a lifestyle around me. As much as it hurt to say those words I knew I had to be tough and show them tough love.
  7. calicer1996

    calicer1996 Community Champion

    Sometimes, it's better to just let go. You can't reason with everyone. Some people are just like that. So be it. Move on. Those are my two cents.
  8. Nate5

    Nate5 Active Contributor

    It's difficult, but everyone has limits. If they're not appreciative of your efforts and don't even try to overcome, then you're technically not obligated to continue. You have your own life, dreams, and aspirations, and you probably put them on hold just because you want your friend or family member to get better. If they start taking your actions for granted, then there's no point in staying. I urge you to make your own judgement. Some addicts need help but have trouble expressing it, but some are actually truly selfish and terrible people.
    Teresa likes this.
  9. joe

    joe Active Contributor

    I believe there is no such time as to give up. Their actions may be propagated by them seeing that it's impossible to leave the alcohol. If the approach can change; appreciate them when they make trivial improvements. With continual encouragement, they would eventually stop. No man likes condemnation. We should not give up on them, let's treat them as a mother would do to a baby. They are helpless. Thank you.
  10. joe

    joe Active Contributor

    I agree with you, we can't let them drag as down with them. But before giving up, consider all the possible ways to help him. Even if you will call a third party. When you have exhausted them, then make your decision.
    Zyni likes this.
  11. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    Yeah this is definitely best because if you don't feel as though you've tried everything then there might be a chance of you getting some guilt over the situation, which of course isn't healthy or practical but these situations are rarely clear enough for everyone to come out without any psychological bruises.
    joe likes this.
  12. ayywithemm

    ayywithemm Member

    It depends on the person. Somep people, after hearing that, may have a reality check and clean up their act. Sort of like an ultimatum, me or the drug.
    Other people, and this happens most often, with a false sense of bravado (bought on by the drugs) will say they don't care if you leave. Later on, their habit will just get worse as they are beyond it all.
    If you know someone like the second person, never give up on them because they can be helped. Everyone can be helped and everyone deserves a chance.
  13. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    Turning my back is not even an option. I'll end up regretting my decision later on. It's easier for me to leave them be when it involves petty things, but substance abuse is a serious matter that could well cost the person his life. So I feel a sense of responsibility for family and friends who're caught up in this dark path. I don't think I'll ever say "I'm done with you." I'm more likely to snap and drag them to a government rehab center by force, oblivious to their protestations.
  14. princepts

    princepts Member

    No, it absolutely is not okay to say that to them. I can see where it would be easy to want to throw your hands up. Give up. Just let them reap the consequences of their ill-decisions. What you need to remember is this. An addict is like a puppet. You are no longer dealing with the person you knew; prior to the substance abuse problem. This is not the person who would give you the shirt off of his/her back. It's not the same guy/gal you could always depend on no matter what. This person has gradually sold themselves to this monster. It erodes moral boundaries. It completely obliterates ethical guideposts. You can slowly see these things happen. Generally, this slide, or spiral downward, will continue until they have hit their rock bottom. This low-point is different for everyone. Personally, my low point was being arrested for robbing a drug store for their opiates. I received a 10-year sentence for my part in the robbery. I ended up doing 40 months all together. I still struggle. My addiction is not as paramount as it was when I pulled that robbery. It isn't as catastrophic, but I am aware that it exists. I try not to give it any room to breathe, to grow, to bud. I understand the anger and confusion that you must feel toward your friend. But don't ever, ever give up on him/her. I'm not saying to enable them either. Just be available if the time comes and they hit a wall, or they reach the bottom. You be there for them, if it is to just listen, or let them sob uncontrollably on your shoulder. But to turn them away, that could prove fatal. This addiction belongs to them. It is theirs. They made the decisions which drove them further down that path. But there are more victims than you realize. Being a man with a drug abuse problem, for me was similar to being in the middle of a hurricane. In the eye of the hurricane it is calm. You seldom feel the effects of the chaos going on all around you. Yet, the storm exists, because you create it. I created such a storm that I was blinded to the degree that I was unaware of the hurt I was causing. I had no idea, or just didn't care that I was pushing loved ones away. Those things, those relationships did not matter to me. The addiction had already spoken for me. My desires were established based on the needs of an opiate. It is an enormous battle; a struggle that you cannot possibly fathom until you are either personally afflicted by someone who is an addict or become an addict your own self. Voice your concern. Be angry if you must, let your friend know this. But don't severe that tie. You may find out, all too late, that it was their only life line.
  15. jeremy2

    jeremy2 Community Champion

    The moment you realize that they're not even trying to get better on their own is the best time to throw in the towel on them.I mean,you can only assist them up to a certain point beyond which all your efforts will be in vain.
  16. Francisco

    Francisco Member

    Wow...that's a deep question. I have found myself in a situation like that where I had to decide in myself should I or should I not give up on this person. I believe it all depends on our tolerance level and there is no set amount of "strikes" for an individual to have before you say they are "out". I believe we just have to continue pressing and hoping for the best in them. The thing about life is that we don't know what will happen next and what will cause a person to change. I may be trying to drill into my friend that he should stop this reckless living, yet it take an incident to happen in his life which changes him forever. My words may or may not have influenced my friend for the better, but at least I did not give up on him.
  17. Francisco

    Francisco Member

    It is through that there is a certain point wherein your efforts would be in vain. I mean...things like these have a way of draining your energy and resources...sometimes you have to just let go of a wayward person. That doesn't mean however, that we have to close our hearts to them. We may stop being proactive in reaching out to them...but if they start reaching out to us...what do we do? We cannot close our doors of compassion.
  18. Francisco

    Francisco Member

    I agree with you. Sometimes we need a break. I do not believe that we should let our compassion drive us to the point of ill health.
  19. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Right, if it is already affecting you much and others who also care for you, better to let go or have a break. Better to set limitations and evaluate things.
  20. Vook

    Vook Member

    If this person doesn't want to change, they won't change. You can help them financially, you can get them treatment, you can offer moral support, you could lock them in a room until they stop, but in the end if they don't want to stop whatever it is that is hurting them, they won't. Who knows, maybe when they hit rock bottom they will accept that they need help, but until then all you can do is support them. Cutting ties can be difficult but it can also be very effective. If this person starts to see their friends and family (those people that have always stood by them) slip away, then maybe it will be the push they need to get help. You can always reconnect when they are in a better place and time.