An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the Forums?Join or

Is it Ever OK to just say to a person; " I'm Done with you"?

Discussion in 'Questions About Treatment' started by bigbrain50, Nov 28, 2014.

  1. rga1999

    rga1999 Member

    I believe you have valid points. It is okay to say you are done with them. I wouldn't necessarily look at it as you are turning your back on the individual. You are mainly putting your foot down and saying enough is enough.
  2. Saraldra

    Saraldra Member

    That is a difficult question to answer.

    I think there is a definite limit to tolerance, especially if a person has consistently shunned advice and continues to act in a similar manner to the one you describe.

    If their lifestyle is self destructive, it's not ideal but it's their choice. However if that lifestyle begins to affect others in such a detrimental way, then enough is enough. I think everyone has the potential to recover and return to some semblance of normality but equally there is a point where you must leave them to their own devices.
  3. hellonamesdana

    hellonamesdana Senior Contributor

    I've done it with my mom who is an alcoholic, and I always go right back to being close with her. It's almost no use. We're actually not talking at the moment because she called me on Christmas day and said a lot of nasty things to me, which she does a lot, basically any time I'm somewhat happy. Of course then she called me the next day pretending like nothing happened, because she never remembers or chooses to remember the things she does and says when she's drunk, and I completely blew up at her. It's been almost a week of me ignoring her phone calls and texts. I have no interest having her in my life she she obviously continues to choose alcohol over her kids.
  4. LitoLawless

    LitoLawless Senior Contributor

    I think when you notice that someone really doesn't want to help themselves, and it's really taking a toll on you in all ways (emotionally, physically, and spiritually) then you should probably be done with that person. It's hurts people on the outside looking in as much as it does to the people themselves. It's like watching someone you love kill themselves well...that's exactly what it is a majority or the time.
  5. RoseK

    RoseK Active Contributor

    I agree with your post. No aspect of addiction is ever is heartrending, emotionally deadening, it's like trying to save your friend from drowning while they are desperately trying to save themselves. It is truly a rare person who can be there for another regardless of their behavior or addiction. Speaking for myself, I had no support system and hardly any friends that weren't connected to some aspect of drinking. I have also been that person who stuck with another person who was going through his own level of hell. I realize that not everyone is able to give support to that degree. That's completely fine :) In my humble opinion, each time you show someone else compassion, you are reaching out to help.
  6. ZackeyMane

    ZackeyMane Member

    A lot of good points are being made here. Definitely find your limit and once it is crossed when trying to help someone you love and care about, find either someone else to help them or find a rehab place for them, if possible. It's a tough question and situation.
  7. Teresa

    Teresa Senior Contributor

    I think it is much easier to stick with and not give up on someone when you know they want to change, they want help or they at least realize there is a problem. Some have to hit rock bottom to realize there is a problem and maybe letting someone hit rock bottom is a way of helping them. but some will be like trying to save a drowning person who is fighting you to the point that instead of keeping them above water..they are pulling you under and drowning you. Ultimately, it is each individuals choice to recover or not. I would rather support and help someone who backslides a million times but is making an effort than waste time on someone who has an addiction for many years with no acknowledgement of having a problem because according to them, they are a drug user and not a drug abuser or addict.
  8. angel_lou

    angel_lou Active Contributor

    Its hard to help someone who doesnt want to help themselves. God bless you for trying though. Maybe its time for you to take a step back now and see what happens then. You're missing out on your own life, worrying about some one elses and thats not fair.
  9. karmaskeeper

    karmaskeeper Community Champion

    When you have reached the end of your rope with someone. It's okay to take a breather from that person. It doesn't have to be long term or forever. You merely need to step away to preserve your own sanity. If you have to use touch love then so be it.
  10. Mackmax

    Mackmax Active Contributor

    Yes, absolutely. Everyone has their boiling point, and if someone were to continue to take my efforts to help them for granted, I would turn my back as well, even if it is painful. You cannot help a person who doesn't want to be helped, and it is senseless to even try.
    You can decide to turn your back at any time, really. But most people don't turn their back until they realize that their attempts to hurt the person are actually hurting themselves. For example, you may not realize it is best to walk away from your friend until your heat gets cut off because you spent so much on their rehab that you didn't have enough to pay the bill.
  11. juno

    juno Community Champion

    If it is starting to effect your life and harm you, then it is absolutely of. That is what holding an intervention is about. You give the user an ultimatum, they either get professional help and you will be waiting for them or you will shut them out of your life. You can only do so much.
  12. mwixief

    mwixief Member

    I agree, no one ever wants to lose the support of the only person who cares for them. Tough love works.
    Davienna likes this.
  13. RobertNick

    RobertNick Member

    Giving up is always a hard thing to do, especially when giving up on somebody else. It's always painful, but sometimes you have to do it. It's not okay to use those words, there's always room for nice words and a deserved explanation, but yeah, it's ok to give up and worry about your own issues in life.
  14. MarkM34

    MarkM34 Member

    It can be difficult, but I do believe in tough love. You have to know how some will react to that before saying it. You don't want to be surprised, especially when everyone is a bit emotional and tired. You would have to mean it too so it's a very personal thing. If the time ever comes around, chances are deep down you will already know the answer
  15. globulon

    globulon Member

    Everyone has their own limits, both the person being helped and the person helping. Sometimes you've done all that is within your capabilities. Perhaps I wouldn't say it nearly so bluntly, but maybe help them find another source of support. If you cannot help any longer, a kind thing to do would be to help the person transition away from you.
  16. 003

    003 Community Champion

    No, if you can't take it anymore, just shut up or avoid him. It's really painful to be said that phrase. It feels like that he's a burden to you. And I think, it's something he should never feel, because instead that it draws up strength from him. It's only going to make him weaker and weaker than before. Instead of pulling him away from his addiction, you are just pushing him deeper that it would be hard for him to uproot from that.
  17. Tournique

    Tournique Senior Contributor

    I never liked to give someone an ultimatum. That being said, I like to gradually break things of instead of going cold turkey. But that differs from person to person.
  18. JonMark

    JonMark Active Contributor

    I say do it and don't feel bad about it. If you've given all you can give, don't beat yourself up about it, you've got issues of your own to deal with. It simply can't be helped. I think the issue might be that at some point, they're making a choice after they've passed the moment of clarity. The choice is that bridge from one addiction to another. Even if they question themselves if they should do it or not.
  19. JonMark

    JonMark Active Contributor

    Right @JoshPosh but if you're all about tough love than you're basically using a hammer to treat every problem as a nail. Each situation should be treated according to that person and other elements that play a part in it. You can't use tough love with everyone and expect that to solve the problem every time. Some might have a callus to it at which point you either have to increase the toughness, try something else or leave it as it is. It doesn't translate the same all the time.

    One should also be careful with the techniques used from when you were raised as well. Their tough love strategy was likely triggered by something else or happened for different reasons altogether, which in the case of tough love, especially, might also have been internalized by the person who delivered that strategy.
  20. lulu

    lulu Active Contributor

    I always say theres a point you stop giving things and just be a shoulder. I don't think they should ever be alone. That's when bad happens. You should keep your distance and have an attitude back. But never turn your back on them. Then when the time comes that they relize they need perfessional help they will have someone to talk to that truly carws