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Is it Ever OK to just say to a person; " I'm Done with you"?

Discussion in 'Questions About Treatment' started by bigbrain50, Nov 28, 2014.

  1. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    This can be a tough one. A family member or friend. It sounds like they are a suppressed person. Someone is suppressing them in some way I guarantee you this. They seem like everything is their fault and they are prone to this but there is someone amidst this that is attempting to push that person down. If this person looks for other people to blame for their mishaps and dumb decisions. This is more than likely the case.
    I know it might not make sense to you, but this is why people try but always slip back. You want to look for a person in the problem person's life that says to them things like, "you can't do that. you'll never do that. you'll never amount to much. you are a fark up. you are a drug addict and a mess." whatever they say. This person is the one that is agitating the problem person into being a mess. They are actually more of a problem than the one you want to disown. In order for your friend or family member to get ahead or make any progress is for them to stay way from the suppressive person. It's either handle or detach. Handle the negative chatter and make it stop or help that person step away from the suppression.
    If you want more information about this sort of thing or a program. Narconon or Criminon are good sources. One is for drug problems and the other is for criminal rehabilitation.
  2. Matthodge1

    Matthodge1 Community Champion

    Completely agree. People will use you if you enable them to do so. They can manipulate and threaten you into a corner if drugs are involved.
  3. Owlwright

    Owlwright Member

    To be honest, sometimes there is no other way around it.
    To be helpful people need to accept your help, otherwise there is nothing you can do.
    You can offer your help and try your best, but if the person isn't ready to make a change yet, or just doesn't seem to care, then the only thing you can do is walk away. Even if it hurts. People need to be ready for change themselves.
  4. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    I'm sorry, but I've done this in the past, but mostly to friends who I knew would never quit using until they die. And actually the person did. Some people just can't imagine their life without the drug... they just can't and end up being a true victim of it... dying by their own hand aided by their addiction.
  5. angel_lou

    angel_lou Active Contributor

    To save yourself sometimes you must disown others.
    deanokat likes this.
  6. SashaS

    SashaS Community Champion

    I think that once you reach that breaking point, you should probably acknowledge the fact that you tried your best and leave it to someone more capable than you, if possible. If you know that you have done all that is in your power to help this individual, then you have to realize that the job should be handed to someone else.

    Even if the addicted individual does not acknowledge the fact that you tried your best, they more than likely will once they've kicked their addiction. And even if they don't and stay addicted for the rest of their life, you have to acknowledge the fact that you tried and that it's not your fault if something bad happens to them. If anything, be proud of the fact that you did all in your power to help them.

    My family was particularly ignorant and stubborn and as a teenager, I tried my best to make them better people. My father had no respect for anyone and was a very rude and selfish man. I tried all I could to change him but it ended up being impossible. My mother was simply stubborn and incompetent of living daily life because of her ( there's no other way to put it, ) stupidity. To this day, I live away from them, letting them do their own thing and letting them fail because I know that I tried all I could to change them and they didn't accept that change.

    As long as you've done all in your power, you know that you've done enough.
  7. Kyler

    Kyler Active Contributor

    There is an absolute justification for someone walking away, that is only when limits are reached and it is doing you more harm than you could handle. I know people in the past have gone through hell because of other people, they've lived their life miserable when they didn't have to. I think the limit is a subjective standard which one can know deep within. That question is a question you should ask your inner self.
  8. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Funny, yeah there are some people like this. First you have to take account for the part you've played in the behavior really. I've experienced this in an opposite way really, but I understand the type. I think when a person steals or this devil may care attitude that you talk about. They are looking for attention. They didn't get enough love from mommie and daddy so this is the only way they know how to behave. Its learned or taught. The only way to get attention is by acting up, doing something wrong. It's quite a messed up way of thinking. This not even trying to get better attitude is chronic. Almost explicitly not going to change. There is a marked difference between someone who genuinely wants to create harmony and please another person. Make themselves a better person and those that don't. There can be a hand in hand much up though that makes that person worse. This is why you need to take note to your part in it. Because if you are contributing to the hand in hand theory which means you encourage it. You are part of the problem and perhaps another person would make a difference. It has to do with which of their parents you are most like. The one they had the biggest problem with if you are close to identical to them. This is a hand in hand, match made in hell. But there is an immature attraction to this scenario unless one gets the whole dynamic. There is restimulation and a whole re-inactment of the game for attention. And even a vice versa when it is parent to child. A parent acting out the same relationship they had with the one they had a problem with when they were a child.
  9. Yes. There comes a point in which you invest so much energy and so much time into a person, but you see no change whatsoever and it hurts you more than them, and there's when you have to cut ties, for your own good and your own mental health. That doesn't mean there is no coming back once they get better from whatever life-destroying addiction they have, but that has to be a point far in the future, once you're certain they're not just trying to get you back out of desperation.
  10. JohnBeaulieu

    JohnBeaulieu Community Champion

    Whether it is okay or not depends on the situation and it is a personal situation. I had to make the decision myself once, It was years before we spoke again but he got his crap together and stopped damaging the family.
  11. Belovedad

    Belovedad Active Contributor

    You can only do so much and no more. If you are the only one trying then it doesn't make sense. You can continue to waste your time on someone who puts in no effort to change themselves. There are boundaries and they don't need to be crossed for invalid reasons.
  12. Villiam

    Villiam Member

    If someone is hurting you or is negative to you, some times this is the right thing to do. It is usually better to not use the exact wording that you have shown in the thread, but some times you need to do what is right for you.
  13. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    You can't ever quit being a parent, but you don't have to allow an addict to live with you for instance. You don;t have to give them money. You don't have to even live in the same city if you don't want to. You have to take care of yourself first, and if someone doesn't appreciate your good efforts, what can you do?
  14. Villiam

    Villiam Member

    This is a very good point. Trying to do too much can hurt more than help
    deanokat likes this.
  15. JohnBeaulieu

    JohnBeaulieu Community Champion

    There is only so much you can do if a person is unwilling to change. The cost to you and your loved ones in time, energy and damage to relationships is equally important and you have to measure these for yourself. Sometimes walking away is all that you can do.
  16. obliviousme

    obliviousme Member

    Going by the scenario you've provided, i say, yes it's okay for you to toss in the towel and quit being the supportive family member. We all have limits and if the person you're trying to help doesn't appreciate you and is not helping himself to get better, then it's time for you to leave and go your merry way.