Hi Everyone, So you know I've been up here in the mountains and not been having the easiest of times. I am thankful I have no idea how to get any drugs here and grateful for a meeting that's 5 days a week at noon in the next town that I have gone to for years...using and clean. I know the people and it is the best meeting group I've ever been to. I really am dreading going back home to the meetings there. I am now spoiled by the quality and just everything about this group...even the chickens walking around outside! Hillbilly heroin, meth, alcohol and opiates prevail in the the types of drugs used and each day there is a newcomer who is usually a relapse which of course I relate to. Tons of clean time women and men spilling solutions that I never hear at home and just raw honesty. Refreshing. No high class whining. But I've been struggling and made progress from having basically an emotional breakdown with my husband who I am getting yet another "do over" with. I think about using all the time. I know they are feelings and not facts and will and do pass and it is natural as I am not even 90 days clean and as you guys know, there was no pink cloud coming back from this last long run I had. So I thought I'd share some miracles like tonight. We went out to eat and the table next to us was a girl having a cosmopolitan. Now alcohol was never a drug I went to first...it was something I would just have if I felt like it. I liked chemicals...all my life basically. But I said to my husband that I wish I could have a cosmo...it was a thought and not something I would do. I looked over 2 tables and there was a lady from my meeting from the next town. Just seeing her and saying hi immediately removed the desire for a drink...or rather for something to change the way I felt. Recovery is everywhere, hope is everywhere except when I stay in my head or in non surrender and acceptance. I can't honestly say I have surrendered yet. I know recovery can't begin until I do and the fight in my head will then ease and anxiety will lessen and I can open my heart more....only good can come from complete surrender. I am praying for the willingness for that. I will be up here until Jan 4 and then that 15 hour drive back. I plan JFT to do the things that promise me I never have to use again and to remember that I wasn't pleasant when I used or particularly happy...it is just all I am used to. I preach this new way of life to people here and in my gut I still have reservations. I guess I have smart feet that keep taking me to my meeting and move me more towards the freedom from active addiction. Just checking in and telling on myself here.