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Is my father doomed?

Discussion in 'Cocaine' started by Davienna, Oct 25, 2014.

  1. Davienna

    Davienna Community Champion

    My father has been a cocaine addict for years, even before I was born. He carry himself like a mad man or street person and even act like he is mentally ill most of the times. Today he will talk to me and the next day he would just malice me. He does not think he needs help and has also been to rehab centers twice in his life but came back the same way. My dad is now 46 years with no family or friends giving him any form of support. Is he doomed? Should I just leave him alone as I know not what to do anymore?
  2. SuphaflyUK

    SuphaflyUK Member

    Hey Davienna,

    Although I was never a cocaine person I have met many recovering addicts who have had cross addiction with drink and coke. I can relate to his behaviour. One day I would be talkative to my family but other times I would ignore them for weeks on end. Sounds like he is in a fog and needs to get clarity before deciding how he feels about what he's doing.

    So when someone is still using it's almost impossible to help them. My family spent years and thousands of pounds on 2 rehabs for me and after many attempts I am making some progress. This may be hard to hear but you have to detach with love. That's what my parents were told to do by therapists who have lived on the receiving end of someone else’s addiction.

    I don't mean ignore him but don't try to save him. Family members might think they HAVE to because no-one else will but it’s not down to you. He has to come out of this himself, but, he can’t do it on his own i.e. he needs the help of recovering addicts. Getting addicts to meetings, like CA (cocaine anonymous) is the first step but you can’t make him go. Sounds like he isn’t ready to give up and I can see how you feel powerless.

    Just as you feel powerless, he is also powerless over his addiction to cocaine. For yourself I would say go to or keep going to meetings for family members (al-anon) and talk with others to gain some strength for this is a family illness. Good luck :)
  3. notodrugs

    notodrugs Community Listener Community Listener

    I read that a person who is addicted to drugs or alcohol needs support from family aside from the medical treatment and mental health that he can get. So after rehab, your father needs you because addiction is chronic in nature. Family support is essential and a part of the treatment process. The family is needed to ensure that the immediate environment of a recovering patient does not have alcohol or drugs. Special occasions are no excuse to have these handy. Even the causes of stress have to be lessened as they tend to get easily stressed. It is really difficult to live with one. The family will always be affected so it is important for them to also get help and be educated of their responsibilities.
  4. SuphaflyUK

    SuphaflyUK Member

    Yes, in a recovery situation, if the individual has just come out of treatment then they will need some time to readjust. However Davienna is talking about a family member who is still using. It is almost impossible to treat someone or start them on recovery if they are still using. They will need to decide to stop. That's the first set. Some people can come off drink & drugs and be clean & sober for long periods of time, even their whole life. Everyone's path is different.

    These days, my family leaves me alone when I relapse, literally, cut off all communication until I'm clean and back to normal. First priority is medical detox to get rid of what's in the body then it’s a mental & spiritual treatment after. It's always been this way for me and everyone I know in recovery. You have to deal with the physical effects first and the care after.
    notodrugs likes this.
  5. notodrugs

    notodrugs Community Listener Community Listener

    But I'm just wondering SuphaflyUK, if he has been hooked for a long time already, could it have now affected his normal mental functioning such that the approach to leave him alone won't work? Davienna said he acts "like he is mentally ill most of the times", can he sensibly decide to stop when he even thinks he does not need help?
  6. SuphaflyUK

    SuphaflyUK Member

    Years of drug/drink abuse can severely affect the brain so it’s hard to judge. Leaving someone alone is for both parties really. Sure, the user might abuse & harass their family in which case something else needs to be figured on. If a boundary has been put in place i.e. don’t come near us or ring us if you are using then at least the user has something to think about. They can choose to stay away, which most would because families get in the way of their using. I was like that. I would hate to see or talk to a family member because we would end up arguing and getting nowhere.

    When someone is using they can decide to stop, yes, but if someone is in denial about their problem then it’s unlikely they will choose to stop. Denial is extremely powerful. I remember my denial being so strong that is convinced me to carry on as I was despite my drinking causing big problems in my life. As things weren't too bad then it was acceptable behaviour. Also, just plain refusing to admit there was a problem. For me it took a while as I felt guilt and shame, very strongly. My denial just blocked out what was happened so I didn’t have to face it.
  7. notodrugs

    notodrugs Community Listener Community Listener

    I know somebody who is of legal age and has really strong addiction and mental problems. She was tricked to go to rehab by her parents. But that can be done from where I am from. It looks like this has to be done to Davienna's father if it is allowed. All the best in your continuous recovery by the way SuphaflyUK.
  8. Davienna

    Davienna Community Champion

    Thank you my dear, everyone else in the family has already given up on him, so maybe now is my time to break free as well. He is a grown man and now I need to be focusing on my child, if he wanted to stop he would've probably made an effort to. He keep saying that he is not addicted to it.
  9. Davienna

    Davienna Community Champion

    In my country there is no way to force him and it would be a challenge finding the funds to send him there anyway. After the first two times going there, his entire family gave up hope. No one would help me to come up with the money and no one would force him to go. I wish there was a way that they could detain and force him, but then when he is back home he may start taking it again, being that he did not negotiate going to rehab.
  10. DancingLady

    DancingLady Community Champion

    Your father is only doomed if that's what he wants, and unfortunately it sounds like at this time at least that is what he is choosing. Only he can decide to recover. People who are forced into treatment only succeed if at some point in the process they realize they do actually want to recover. Sometimes that does happen because they realize once they are off the drug that it really was a problem, but I do agree, you need to focus on your child and taking care of your immediate family and yourself. If your father decides he wants help, you'll be there for him.
  11. notodrugs

    notodrugs Community Listener Community Listener

    Yeah, your primary responsibility now is your child. Let's just hope that when nobody else is there for him, maybe he'll find it in himself to take care of his health and set his priorities right. If you are a believer of God, I strongly suggest that you pray for him. The rest of the family can join you in prayers. There is power in joint prayers. That's the best thing you can do right now. All the best to your dad and to you as well.
  12. Davienna

    Davienna Community Champion

    They won't even spare him prayer as this has been ongoing for over twenty years. After his second time at rehab I felt so good, thinking my father was finally clean but within a few weeks he was back to square one. I love him but I guess I will have to show tough love and keep praying for him. God can move mountains so I am sure he can move my dad too.
  13. Davienna

    Davienna Community Champion

    I do know that but he is unwilling to even seek treatment, which would be the first step. He is still denying his addiction and that makes it even harder for me to help him, I will still be there for him whenever he decides to admit his addiction and seek help. For now I will just back down and let God.
  14. LostmySis

    LostmySis Senior Contributor

    Dancing Lady is right. Only he has the answer to his fate, as you do yours. You have been waiting for 20 years for him to get clean, do you want to wait 20 more? People sometimes think that once someone is sober, they are clean and that is it. End of story. Addiction is a daily struggle for life for some people. Often once someone gets clean then relapses, the new urges are even stronger than the ones of the past. I have friends who were sober for decades then slipped and it took years to get back to where they were. Someone who chooses to stay in the life of an addict must understand this.

    Having a child, I would not want my child to associate with an addict who could cause them physical or emotional pain. What if grandad is great for a year, the child gets close to him, then he disappears back to drugs? How would you feel if you let your guard down and he relapsed? These are things you need to think about.
  15. cynamarie

    cynamarie Member

    Hey Davienna,
    I can relate to your post as my father faces the same struggles. His addition is meth rather than cocaine but the outcome is still the same. The addiction takes over their life and they lose everything. You say that your father "acts" mentally ill, but the truth is that he is mentally ill. Addiction is a disease. I am sure that he would like to change but probably feels that it is impossible, and who knows, maybe it is. My father has been an addict since before I was born....I am now 32. He's lost his family, his job, his house, and basically his entire life. He lives secluded in a trailer and we see him only on holidays. This is his choice and I do not believe that there is anything that we can do to help him. I've come to accept my father for who he is and when he calls and asks for something that is within my means, I give it to him. It's the least that I can do for him since he did raise and provide for me as a child. But I still keep up a wall and keep a safe distance from him as I cannot have that kind of drama in mine and my children's lives.
  16. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    I don't think anyone is ever really completely doomed, but it will be up to you if you still consider it worth the effort to intervene. I'm sure you have your own life and worries so I'm guessing it won't be very practical for you, but if it really is your wish for your father to be cured of this illness then it is your choice to make to keep supporting him. There are no clear methods on how to go about this, unfortunately, as chances are his issues are probably deep and way before you were probably born, but there's always a chance to change for everyone and it does help to have someone believe in you.
  17. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Wow yeah that is something to deal with. He sounds like my mom, but she is a prescription drug addict who likes to drink. You are making me want to engage in helping her. I say my peace and that's it. I mean at this age what can you do? Show concern and compassion, express your love. Just say what you think about the drugs and let them know that you are there for them. Whatever they decide.
  18. MrAmazingMan1

    MrAmazingMan1 Active Contributor

    Your father may be so deep into addiction that he may never fully recover. The chemicals in his brain and the things cocaine do to you will leave permanent scares on him for the rest of his life. If he has already tried rehab to no avail, there isn't too much more you can do. It's hard to walk away from your father, but remember you have your own life to live, do not get too hung up in his mistakes.
  19. Matthodge1

    Matthodge1 Community Champion

    He needs help. Like, an intervention type help. He may not be doomed, but he is certainly not in a good place right now. I would say that you should definitely try to talk to him about this addiction.
  20. Smarty

    Smarty Active Contributor

    What you say is key: "he doesn't think he needs help." Well, as long as this is the case, your efforts will produce minimum results. But I'd definitely not say to give up on him. There is always hope, sometimes we just don't see it! I assume you have talked to him a lot about it... If necessary, don't be afraid to go to more extreme measures... Like getting him to a specialist no matter if he wants it or not.