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Is my mother a lost cause?

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by akiram13, Mar 1, 2016.

  1. akiram13

    akiram13 Community Champion

    I do not mean to put so much doubt on my mother but I really am started to believe this to be true. I love my mother even through all her flaws. I am no where near flawless to judge what or why she has continued to abuse herself they way she has pretty all of my life.

    Ok, so my mother hasn't really been apart of my life because her addictions to drugs (various) and abusive boyfriends. My mother suffers some mental issues because of abuse from her childhood and from herself as well as others.

    She has always made an effort to contact me every once in a while but she never has anything positive to say. My mother now has cancer. I am afraid that I will lose her to soon and it saddens me that she has never been able to break away from the cycle that she has continued for so long.

    I do not think she enjoyed her life I am to far to be there for her and I honestly don't know what else I can tell her without breaking down myself. My sister has claimed that she has disowned our mother and will not have anything to do with her. I love my mother very much but I think she is hopeless and trapped in her storm. :( I can't help but cry and feel useless as her daughter.
  2. darkrebelchild

    darkrebelchild Community Champion

    I feel sorry for your situation; I cannot speak well about my mother either because she has some past demons that keep telling her people want her dead and her family is the enemy. Anyway, the thought is all that matters in this life because that is what we'll all be accountable for.

    The bitter truth is that it is hard to help our parents because they always seem they know better. There really is nothing you can do but to pray for her. To experience peace before her passing in the after life.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @akiram13... I'm sorry that your mother continues to struggle. I don't think that anyone is a lost cause, but your mother has to be the one to make the decision to change her life. It doesn't matter how much you or anybody else wants her to change. It has to start with her.

    Please don't feel useless or guilty. Like Al-Anon teaches, you didn't cause your mother's addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

    I will keep you and your mother in my thoughts and prayers, my friend. And please know that we are here for you to support you any way we can.

    Peace and big hugs to you.
    MrsJones likes this.
  4. akiram13

    akiram13 Community Champion


    My mother says that all the time that someone is after her and trying to kill her or us. That most of her side of the family have plotted against her. But I could always see even through her struggle and addictions she always thought of us and loved us from afar. I think she left because of this and her addictions mainly so we wouldn't have to witness it. I hate it when I feel like I have to talk down to my mother about some of the things she says to me. Not because I feel superior to her but because she breaks my heart telling me somethings that I rather not know of. I don't want to watch my mom suffer until she suffers her self into the ground. I keep this all in and rarely speak of her but lately when I was told she has cancer I just wish I could see her overcome it all.
  5. akiram13

    akiram13 Community Champion


    The sad thing is she has been in and out of rehab and seen doctors because she does want to get better. But she keeps getting pulled in. I blame a lot of the guys that entered her life. All of them abused her and fed her addiction and did more damage to her than the last. Any man she introduced to me automatically caused warning bells in my head.

    I know its out of my hands but how I wish it could be something I could control. I can't protect her from herself especially being so far. I just love my mom and feel like I will lose her completely. If she only knew the heart ache I carry and how I am thinking of her. :/
  6. Geeka

    Geeka Member

    Thank you for having the courage to share your story.

    I admire that a lot because I myself have trouble with my mum. To tell you the truth, it took me a long time to be able to speak out. Even when I first started to express it out loud, I was often reminding myself to skip as many details as I possibly could and to be really careful as to who I was sharing it with. I guess I was more afraid to share for what others might think more than anything else.

    For what it's worth, I don't think we have the power to control anyone else rather than ourselves. To simply be able to control ourselves alone in itself is already tricky enough. To control others, we ought to be able to control ourselves first.

    Remind yourself that your mum is in that situation because of her choice. And it's also her choice to get out the same way she got in. The last person you ought to be blaming is yourself. If anything, you should be patting yourself in the back for not following in the same footsteps at her.

    Despite the pain and the memories that I had to deal with, I'd very much like to think that I'm fortunate to have experienced that because I now know what is best to avoid.

    I know how sad you must be feeling, but it's important that you stay strong for yourself.
  7. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    You never should give up on anyone until the very end. While yes even if everything you do might seem to be useless you don't want to in future wish that you could have done just a little more. You have to do what has to be done now. Just continue being there for your mother. She might decide to change or opt not to. It's her choice and you too have a choice to make. Be there for her or worsen things by stepping back.

    “Real courage is when you know you [won't win] before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.”
    ― Harper Lee


    All the best!
    MrsJones likes this.
  8. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so difficult when you love somebody and they are destroying their lives and they can't seem to break the cycle. I don't believe that anybody is hopeless. I have hope for everybody. I am sorry that she has cancer now. That may only cause her to drink more. Your mom and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Never give up on her. She needs you.
    MrsJones likes this.
  9. akiram13

    akiram13 Community Champion


    I have always been supportive of her aĺl throughout my life. Now I barely hear from her since I am very far away and communication is had to keep. Also she just disappears all the time where I won't be able to track her down. It breaks my heart that until now she is fighting her battles on her own and without anyone who can say they love her. She is still going in her cycles that she has always done. Find a guy and tell me she is doing good and everything is getting better, then tell me this guy is abusive and she is losing in to insanity, goes back into drugs and disappears only later to redo. I keep telling her she doesn't need these men and that she can be happy without one. Also it builds up anger on my side because well no one wants to see a man treat her mother wrong. After all these years I think that she might leave a world of only suffering. I usually am not so negative but her now having cancer is put me in a panic mode.
  10. akiram13

    akiram13 Community Champion


    Thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate them. She is more into drugs than into alcohol though. She has always needed me and always sought me out in her worse times for comfort. It does take a toll on me and break my heart all the more. But I just do what I have always done and love her simply because she is my mother. I pray that she can be find happiness without the drugs and men of abuse. I pray that she will not suffer.
  11. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Hi @akiram13. From what I've read I honestly believe that your mother truly loves you. She may not keep the lines of communication consistent but they are open. She may not have much positive to share but she is sharing. I know it must hurt to listen but she trusts that you will and not turn her away. Continue to tell her that you love her each time she calls and never end a call without saying it.
  12. akiram13

    akiram13 Community Champion


    Yes, even through insanity my mother never failed to remember me or try to talk to me. I think I am the only one in her life who has the heart to always listen and not judge. It has always been hard on me growing up like that but in has made me see people differently. I pray constantly for her sake. Thank you I appreciate your words.
    MrsJones likes this.
  13. I encourage you to continue to do whatever it takes to get through to your mother. It's very hard because in doing so you have to take all the hits she throws at you. You have to stay stone faced, compassionate, and loving. I agree with your thoughts about why she left. No parent wants there child to see them go through that. Her addiction may also be a fight to keep away the mental demons that could be plaguing her. Her choice in men is a constant search for whatever she's trying to find. The harsh reality is that she may very well pass away from her habits but she will always know that you cared and you never left her on her own. Sometimes we have to prepare for the inevitable while still holding onto hope. The daunting responsibility of making the hardest decisions in life while trying to control the pain that bites at us. I am 100% sure that if you knew the full story of all the things your mother went through as a child you would not only wish you didn't know but you would fully understand her actions. I hope that your mother is able to muster up enough strength to do what can be so hard and allow you to help. I also hope that you remain positive and strong no matter what so that you can be there for her when she finally does.
  14. akiram13

    akiram13 Community Champion

    Thank you so much for your words. They are the words of truth and hash reality. I do know alot of what happened to my mother as a child and as an adult. She has always confided in me what happened to her and what she has been fighting. My only wish was for her to overcome it but I also know not everyone is the same and can handle past occurences the same as well. I find it hard chatting with her mainly because I can no longer understand what she attempts to write or type. My mom has more than one problem and I hate that I had to watch her destroy herself.
  15. Momma9

    Momma9 Community Champion

    I hate that you are going through this heartache with your mother! Please take care of yourself. This is a large burden for you to carry alone. I hope you have someone who cares to talk to about all this. Please keep sharing with us, but I think it would be wise to have a real person(s) who you can vent to and can support you.
    MrsJones and deanokat like this.
  16. bluesnow

    bluesnow Member

    I really connect with what you're going through right now.

    My step father who raised me was an addict my entire child hood and had alot of other problems.
    He's currently dealing with both Cirrhosis and liver cancer.
    I feel the best thing you can do is be honest at this point in their life. The biggest thing you want to avoid is having any regrets about things left unsaid, even if you're afraid to say it. I say this, but unfortunately I'm having trouble doing it myself unfortunately.
    Its also good that you're here to talk about this though! I wish the best for you.
  17. tgthewriter1

    tgthewriter1 Member

    I understand how you may feel about the situation. Your mother is dealing with abusive and drug related problems. But, I need you to understand that it is not your problem. Your mother is an adult and she has a right to make bad choices. Do not feel sorry for your mother. You need to move on with your life. I know it’s hard to do because I know someone with similar circumstances. I wish people would cut off the toxic people from their life. But, it is not that simple to do. But, you have to do it anyway. Some people just want everything to be miserable. You have to get rid of people like that. Life is too short to be dealing with toxic people. They tend to mess up good moments or good events. They are just people that you need to cut off. It does not matter if they are family. People should not treat others like crap. People should should know better. Sometimes, you have to cut people off to make them know better.
  18. remnant

    remnant Community Champion

    You are such a brave lady not to get tired of your mother. You see, whether we like it or not, we are part of our parents. It seems, Akiram that you have a genuine interest to care for your mother. I would approach various agencies both governmental and NGOs to intervene. You can summon the intervention of a local church to try to purge her moral foundation in order for her to be able to handle her drug problem. Have you ever taken her for rehab? Don't give up no matter what.
  19. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    @akiram13. How are you doing? It's been a while since we heard from you.
  20. TungstenCube

    TungstenCube Member

    One of the best resources might be group therapy -- I recently went through a series of sessions for adults from dysfunctional families and there was a member who had a similar story. As more members discussed their troubled family, we all realized that you have to set up healthy boundaries and separate yourself from them. Check out the support group for Adult Children of Alcoholics. In reality, it's more about dysfunction than alcoholism, but I have a hunch this might be helpful.