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Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by cmt, Mar 21, 2019.

  1. cmt

    cmt Active Contributor

    Before I post my story, I wanna know if this forum is one that I need to be worried about. If myself or anyone posts things such as medicine abuse/addiction or anything else relating to drugs that may be viewed as illegal (in the past), do I have to worry that cops will be at more door shortly after posting? I'm not accusing, I'm just worried about that. I want to post my story, my problems and my goals. This will be the first time I've admitted to ANYONE , but I'm scared it could backfire.
  2. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @cmt hello and welcome. Anyone can read the posts which is why many of us keep things anonymous. You can post your story without revealing personal information about yourself. This community helped me to seek out the help I needed to get clean. I doubt law enforcement is reading this site but they can. Are you able to tell us your story without posting personal information? I've done so and so have others. I hope you do so you can get help.
    deanokat, cmt and Dominica like this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @cmt hi there. welcome. that's a good question... you can post here about your life, but yeah, just don't post your name or anyone else's name or personal information. plenty of people post about their past and/or current drug use... we are here to support and encourage you, and inspire you to go after your goals!

    would love to know more about you!
    deanokat and cmt like this.
  4. cmt

    cmt Active Contributor

    I'm a mother, a wife, a sister...and an addict! I have battled Lupus for 11 years and in the beginning, I took my meds as prescribed. 10mg Oxycodone every 4 hours and 40mg Oxycontin time release every 12 hours. It got to the point where the correct dosage stopped working for the pain so I had to take 2 at a time. I eventually decided to try to crush a 10mg up and snort it and in that moment the euphoric feeling was something I cant describe. I questioned myself on how I had access to this feeling before without ever knowing it. From that point, I never took my 10mg orally again. I would take more at once more often until eventually the entire months supply of 180 were gone in a weeks time. I'd then use the 40mg time release to offset the withdrawls but couldnt snort those because they were time release and the consistancy of plastic. They didnt give me the euphoria that the 10mg quick release did, but, it kept the withdrawls away. I was then prescribed klonopin for stress, anxiety and stress seizures. I got 270 1/2mg each month and I could polish those off in a matter of days. Eventually, I got called in for a random UA through my drs office and a med count. I clearly flunked and they took my meds away. That was a year and a half ago. I find myself chasing the oxy....looking for it anywhere I can and when I get it, I ache for that euphoric feeling again. I will snort as much as 5 10mg at once and, if given the amount nessasary, can take up to 20 in a day. My tolerance is so high, I often wonder why I'm not dead yet of an overdose. I often think back on a time before pain pills were Introduced to me and how I felt energetic and normal. Now, I have a hard time getting through the day without some type of narcotic. I get bad anxiety, and my body hurts worse than it ever has. I would love to get back to the energetic, clean person I was...but, honestly I dont have the will power or self discipline.... if I'm around them or have access to them at all (which is relatively easy 75% of the time) I fall into habit and snort again.
  5. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @cmt our stories are so similar they are almost the same. My chronic illness is different but the amount of meds we were
    prescribed is the same. The Drs need to learn they can't cut you off like that and let you go. I ended up snorting Heroin since it was cheaper then pills but even that got too expensive. I'm lucky I never got laced and my urine showed no Fentynal. We are both lucky to be alive. Google addiction specialist in your town. Where I live there are waiting lists so I started going to a methadone clinic about 6 weeks ago. I've been clean for a week.
    You reaching out here and admitting you have a problem is a huge step. Now you can take the next steps to get off the opiates. There are great people here and in fact this website helped me find the clinic. You can read what I've been doing in the thread my journey at the methadone clinic.
    You got this! We are here for you.
    deanokat, Dominica and cmt like this.
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @cmt hello there.... it sounds like you may need some help from a professional.... it is dangerous and i'm glad you haven't overdosed.... please be careful. are you willing to reach out to an addiction specialist? clinic?
    deanokat likes this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @cmt... Like @DoxyMom and @Dominica said, this forum is safe as long as you don't disclose personal information. Stay anonymous and you should be fine.

    As far as your issue with oxys and Klonopin goes... You are definitely playing a dangerous game of Russian Roulette. Abusing those pills is not safe, and it will likely catch up to you eventually. I really think the best thing for you--if you want to get and stay clean--is to seek the help of an addiction specialist. They can assess your individual situation and recommend the best next steps for you. That could mean inpatient treatment, an intensive outpatient program (IOP), therapy, or other options. But honestly, I don't think you'll be able to find sobriety without professional help. Would you be up for going that route?

    You may also want to find a Narcotics Anonymous (NA) or SMART Recovery meeting in your area and check it out. You can find a lot of comfort at those meetings because the people there know exactly what you're going through and feeling. You will quickly see that you are not alone.

    You are not a bad person. You are struggling with the disease of addiction, and there are millions of other people out there like you. You've come here and shared with us; that's a huge first step and I'm really proud of you for taking it. We are here to offer you help, support, advice, and a listening ear. And we will always listen without judgment.

    I hope you'll keep coming back and using us as part of your support network. That's why we're here. In the meantime, I'm sending you tons of love, light, hope, and encouragement. And a truckload of healing vibes, too.
  8. cmt

    cmt Active Contributor

    Thank you for your response. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply. My grandmother went into ICU Saturday and was released today on home hospice. They don't give her long to live and she signed a DNR so there will be no heroic measures taken if she has any medical emergencies. Tuesday my life long friend died from complications of her diabetes 1. Needless to say, it's been a long 7 days.

    I would love to get back to the days of not craving and/or needing narcotics. The embarrassment of admitting this to my husband, children and family is something I dont look fwd to. I cant think about an inpatient, or even outpatient treatment at this point because I've got to be available to take care of my grandmother. I have been clean since Sunday as I've spent every night in ICU with my grandmother and haven't had the means to indulge since she was admitted Saturday night. It's been hard, but I've had no other choice. I still know I'm an addict and I know I can easily be swayed to Indulge if the circumstances were right... but, as long as I'm responsible for my gma I know I cant because her life is in my hands.
    Please pray or send good vibes or whatever it is that yall do for healing, comfort and patience. I know everything happens for a reason, I just hope God isn't calling my grandmother home as a way to clean me up because I cant live with myself thinking that.
  9. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @cmt I'm sending you prayers and healing vibes. I'm so sorry for all that you are going through right now. You are stronger then you think. I believe you really want to be clean or you would find a way to use during all of this. I'm surprised you aren't going through withdrawal so that is good news. You don't need that on top of taking care of your GMA. Hang in there. We are here for you.
    deanokat likes this.
  10. cmt

    cmt Active Contributor

    I don't take them daily as I dont have my own script. I take them when I can find them. I'm feeling anxiety, restless legs and feeling like I can't catch my breath but I'm not sure if that's got to do with withdrawls or if it's just the overwhelmingness of taking care of my gma. She does have her own pain meds that I've been administering to her every 4 hours, and honestly, I have no desire for them. They arent my preference of kind , but, I would NEVER steal from my gma. She NEEDS them..so, maybe I'm doing better than I thought. All I know is that I cant be high while taking care of her and I WONT be!!! I did wake up this morning craving oxys pretty bad after having a dream about them. *just for the record, my gmas pain meds are NOT oxy*.
    I'm going to keep pushing through the day without any indulgence . Wish me luck.
    I love this board. You all are so supportive and because I've never admitted to my addiction, I've never gotten any support from others in regards to it. If I'm posting too much, please let me know. I find that sharing things in my daily life helps me.
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  11. liliann

    liliann Active Contributor

    Hi both DoxyMom and cmt,

    I haven't been on here in a while but there are no coincidences. My first read is this thread and that is my story!
    I'm sure it is on a thread somewhere but the bottom line is once I started snorting the oxys I went straight to a lower bottom. I could not even feel them towards the end. I was doing about 180 mg a day mixed with coke.
    I had to tell my husband. I had had a script but was spending a fortune supplementing the amount I needed off the street at $30 per pill! Plus, taking Somas.
    I had to go to detox. I could not stop and was in withdrawals if I didn't constantly do it.
    I went into detox for 6 days and they used suboxone which I then had to get off of!
    I felt awful for about 6 months. The cravings went away but physically I was going through it! Mentally drained with no energy or hope of energy or being happy (meanwhile I wasn't so pleasant to be around on drugs either).
    I actually had rotator cuff surgery on March 4 and am now on Tramadol and believe it or not Soma but am taking as directed from the doctor.
    I also go regularly to NA meetings and could no way stay clean and not tempted (and I have no desire to do opiates which is a miracle) if it weren't for that safe place to go to and to have the support and just be with other addicts.
    The fact, cmt, that you say you are an addict is huge.
    Thats all you need is the willingness to stay clean and surrendering to the fact that you can't just do one.
    I think you would get so much from NA.
    Are you in a city? Look online. You can find meetings at NA.org or Intherooms.com
    I'm amazed also like DoxyMom is that you aren't going through withdrawals but glad you aren't. The anxiety is probably a mixture of your grandmother and no oxy. I don't know but I do know you are on a path where you can do this!
    We are all here for you...clean, not clean, getting clean, etc...all stages!
    Dominica, DoxyMom and deanokat like this.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @cmt... I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother and friend. You've no doubt had a very difficult stretch of time. Unfortunately, life oftentimes hits us with multiple challenges all at once, and we just have to do the best we can to get through them. I pray that you will find the strength to navigate your way through this storm.

    I hope that you can look into getting help for yourself soon. And please, try not to feel any shame or embarrassment about your issue. Remember: You are not a bad person, my dear; you are a sick person, with a disease called addiction. I have a feeling your husband/children/family will appreciate your honesty and be very supportive of you.

    I am sending you lots more love, light, hope, encouragement, and healing energy. And I will pray not only for you, but for your grandmother and the family of your friend, too. Please know that we are here for you anytime. If you need help, support, advice, or just want to get some things off your chest, come back and lean on us. We will always listen without judgment, no matter what.

    Big hugs coming your way.
    Dominica likes this.
  13. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    MUCH LOVE but absolutely law enforcement or At least the Fedds "Misspelt purposely"watch this site,however look at it from their point of view... They want people off drug's it helps the planet in its entirety so if sharing gets you're head right that makes their job easier....and trust me I'm not hiding anything for them just read my life
    Dominica likes this.
  14. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @cmt there is no such thing as posting too much. Come here as often as you need to. In fact if we don't hear from you we get worried. I'm so happy to see @True concern posting as I've been concerned about him.
    deanokat, Dominica and True concern like this.
  15. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @cmt true. come here as much as you want and share what you need. we do care about you! you are choosing to be "present" with your grandma right now...and that's special.

    we are here for you- every day!

    check in and let us know how things are going...

    i pray for your gma. peace. comfort. hope. many angels surrounding her.
    deanokat likes this.
  16. cmt

    cmt Active Contributor

    This scares me. I hesitate to engage any further. I cant have anything else on my plate right now.
    My grandma has brain damage from hypoxia and is now being combative and doesnt know who we are...breaks my heart. But, knowing the fedds watch this scares me. Much luck to all of yall. Thank you for your replys
  17. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @cmt... I really don't think you have anything to fear. Can I guarantee that law enforcement doesn't watch this site? No. But I highly doubt that they do. That said, it's obviously your choice as to whether or not you post. And, if you do, what you post.
    Dominica and cmt like this.
  18. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @cmt you can always post things that the feds wouldn't be interested in :) maybe we can support you on other things... like emotionally. i'm sorry your grandma is struggling.. bless it.
    deanokat likes this.
  19. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @cmt I really think true concern was being a little paranoid. I think law enforcement has better things to do than watch this site. We are not dealers, we are addicts trying to get clean. Most of the good ones would want to help us.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  20. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I do guess the word "Watch" is the tricky one here,I wasn't trying to suggest they are fully engaged with prying eye's 24/7 what I was trying to say bluntly because I was a 12 pack in and I'm an arrogant assshole when that's the case was I believe they check in on every site periodically I was hoping by ending with "I'm not hiding anything read my life"would have made him realize I'm still typing and literally everyday for over a year I burnt this site up typing...With unflattering honesty at time's and so.e very personal trauma.....etc:)
    deanokat and Dominica like this.