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Discussion in 'Alcohol' started by True concern, Dec 22, 2018.

  1. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I pretend a lot I have this figured out...that's just not true

    I read a book or a paragraph of a book honestly and what I read shock me.

    "A man who can deliver Hope and inspiration to other's but can't find it himself"
    Well that's partially true for myself, I know what I should do.See a counselor or find an addiction specialist, however I will be honest that's not going to happen.I trust few people, @Dominica I would be lost without you @deanokat the same goes for you @Liola you're quickly becoming another I trust but my life is complicated.
    Loneliness is getting ever so hard to deal with so unfortunately I have started drinking again.I need to explain that statement because it hasn't gotten out of control,literally about 2 beer's every other day,however I hear you dean in the back of my mind speaking the truth"It's just a matter of time before it consumes you"
    When I first posted my story I spoke of alcohol making me full of hate,extreme anger and rage...Well here is why.When I got married I was on every drug I could find and then that thing called "love"took hold of me like a drug couldn't match.I got sober and went to making a bit over 65k a year,my wife had 3 kid's already which I didn't care about this was and in my heart still is my family.The part I left out is the other man my wife was seeing,I met him once while I was drunk and more or less told him if he valued his life I better never see him again.Well I never did however after work one day I came home and the wife had a brand new 45'000 dollar truck...i didn't buy it but I'm sure anyone can figure out who did.I never saw the man again but my wife would go meet him...often and I figure over 15 year's he probably gave her close to 300'000 dollar's, oh I guess I forgot to mention he is worth a bit over 10 million dollar's but the kid's hated him and loved me.The more I grow,mature,analyze fu*k I'm stupid she kept me around for the kid's and kept him around for the money.50 to 65k a year is a respectable living but it's nothing compared to millions.

    Through all this I never had or grew a jealous bone,I never followed her or questioned her beyond,"How was dinner?"My stepkids thought I was crazy,they asked why do you trust and believe her?The answer for me never changed "because I love her and trust her"Still today I love this woman, I still would try again...Or would I?Now 38 I'm not sure.When we got married I was just turned 19 she was 30 and still today she lives like a 20 year old,her heart is genuine, her soul appears sincere,she owns me like I'm a fuc*ing slave and she knows it.

    Over the next 15 year's I tried to get us a house of our own 3 time's, I hid 25'000 dollar's 3 time's and begged her to move out of her mom's with me,I had found us a starter house 3 time's and was told no.I gave up and we went to Vegas and burned 25'000dollar's 3 time's and by then I was so deep in self destruct mode I couldn't figure out away out.
    When I say "I pretend a lot I have this figured out"I don't mean it's all been a lie because it hasn't. Something set me off recently and it is in no way the fault of the person who's word's I read.Please don't blame yourself for this,you're belief in me broke my heart and the fault is all my own. @Dominica You told someone recently " @True concern has overcome several addictions and he is a good man who you can learn a lot from"You weren't completely wrong, I have crushed 4 of the 5 but at the same time I can't live anymore lies.I have beat meth,heroin,Oxycontin, cocaine, and for the most part alcohol, meaning I no longer feel hate and rage when I drink however I realize that is temporary.

    Holidays are hard for me...obviously this is 4 year's alone,well not completely alone you all have been as good a family as I could ever hope for but I think you understand what I'm trying to say when I say alone.

    I was upset for a minute over not getting that job but still I dig and honestly I have seen first hand I can't buy love nor did I ever truly try nor would I and though I could go back to construction and come close to 80k a year..I don't care it doesn't make me happy, I could go back to being a commercial sales manager, after a trip to court to reverse that misdemeanor charge which would be easy considering the judge dismissed the court reporter for lunch before sentencing me which means there are zero official record's and make around 50 to 60k a year I don't care because that doesn't make me happy either.I am not sure if I need or qualify for a true rehab center but honestly in my heart and soul what makes me happy is delivering some sort of hope to those who can't see it or find it,even though I struggle with finding it myself.Helping Addicts....That is what makes me smile,that is what makes my soul glow.I love you all even if no one else doeso_O:):):)
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @True concern hey you. good morning. thank you for sharing all of that. you fell in love....hard. and i'm sorry that became such a struggle over the years. i don't think any of us can come from a "relationship expertise" kind of thing... b/c the truth is that relationships are........... challenging...(at times)..... confusing....hard work....etc. ;)

    i'm sorry you are lonely. this time is year is so tough on so many people. even people who having loving and supportive partners are so sad missing loved ones.... it IS sad.... missing loved ones IS hard.... feel it. try not to self-medicate it....and reach out as you are.

    the job... glad you don't tie your worth to a paycheck. many millionaires and billionaires are miserable and selfish A-HOLES... (ha. some are.) and greedy....narcissists.... and yes, some are amazing and givers... but my point is that money does not buy lasting happiness. and sounds like you know this.

    sorry about not getting the job. but yes, keep your chin up. it'll happen when it's time.

    you are making a difference here.... your heart. your honesty. your consistency. it all matters.

    you might see a therapist one day... :) and i do believe it can help. if you're not ready, it's ok.

    please keep coming here..and esp now at the holiday season. i'll be here on and off throughout.

    we love you too arthur!!! so much!!!
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    No I have no life.Not by choice but I take care of a 72 year old dad who can barely breathe, a 59 year old mom who can't walk due to two back surgeries,a 41 year old brother who has autism and the mind of a 6 year old,and a hyperactive 7 year old sister who goes absolutely wild all damn day long:eek::eek::eek:Nope no social life at fuc*ing sucks
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Arthur... Believe it or not, I struggle with the whole "A man who can deliver Hope and inspiration to others but can't find it himself" thing, too. A lot. My life is not all unicorns and rainbows. Both of my adult sons are pretty much incapacitated by depression and anxiety. One has ADHD, too. The other battles addiction and bipolar disorder. They both live with me and my wife. Chronologically, my sons are 23 and 29. Emotionally, they're not even close to those ages. My wife and I have done everything we can for them, but we've made little progress. All the doctors, all the meds, all the things we've tried because "This might be the thing that works." And we're still stuck. We had two good years, while my youngest was away at a special boarding school for ADHD kids and my oldest was clean and happy and living with a girlfriend. Then the wheels came off again. And I oftentimes wonder if we'll ever be able to get the wheels back on. But we keep trying. And we don't give up. But man, I struggle like hell many, many days. And sometimes, I wonder if there's any hope.

    My point is, my brother, you are not alone. Not by a long shot. But you--we--have to persevere and do everything in our power to keep hope alive. Not only for others, but for ourselves. I find that helping others helps me, too. That's one reason why I do it. And I think that's probably why you do it, too.

    I can't help you with your relationship. I lucked out and found a person who is my rock, my best friend, and my soul mate. We celebrated 30 years of marriage last month and I thank God every day for taking care of me in that department. When I hear of the difficulties others have in their relationships, I really have no idea what to say. But I do believe that you can't make a person love you. Or change the way they feel about someone.

    I think I'm just rambling now. And I hope it doesn't seem like I'm trying to make this post about me. That's not my intention. I just want you to know that you're not alone. And that even though it may, at times, be almost impossible to believe, there IS hope.

    "Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." ~Anne Lamott

    Don't give up hope, Arthur. And don't rely on alcohol or anything else to numb what you feel. You are a great man. I know that about you. You take care of your family. You care about others. You have a HUGE heart. And I know that good things will come your way. You just have to be a little patient.

    Love you. Care about you. Sending you bigass man hugs.
    True concern likes this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Thank you,and I'm sorry for being so self involved as if I'm the only one.I am sorry you struggle in much the same way minus the addiction (for yourself)I don't know why or maybe I do...I have to accept my marriage is over and move on but I just can't do it for some reason
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @True concern no apologizing necessary. your pain matters!! you matter. so come and vent anytime...

    it is hard to feel and accept the loss of a marriage.... you truly love her... and that doesn't just go away. i wish i had some great answer or insight, but i'm trying to figure mine out half the time! lol

    you have a lot on your plate, being caretaker to a lot of people. that's not easy, i'm sure. this season in your life is still going to be about you healing at a deeper level...and learning balance even in caretaking. you're doing it, but balance is golden.

    keep doing what you know to do...and keep coming here. acceptance might have to be a choice right now. the serenity prayer...say it often ;)

    @deanokat i'm sorry about the challenges with your sons. as a parent, i have a glimpse of the weight this puts on you, as you want only the best for them.... and esp peace and joy. i admire your courage, your generosity, your very kind and compassionate heart.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Moderator