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It's Been Awhile

Discussion in 'Alcohol' started by True concern, Sep 17, 2019.

  1. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    So those of you who know me best know Alcohol is my downfall, yes I have used everything I could get my hands on but they all have the same nexus...Alcohol.I absolutely love Alcohol to the point I hate it,by that I mean there is no better feeling than a few drinks but if I have a few drinks I'm going to end up with a little bit of everything (Like Pulp Fiction)status,it's sad,it sucks but it's almost always a fact.I created this thread to say I haven't drank hard alcohol since I was arrested last month and I haven't drank at all in over 2 week's. I have been here before but this site is how I document me.. My progress, my failures,my struggles to gain control again. I suffer from ADHD And Bi-polar disorder with severe depression....this mix of mental health issues often times interferes with my ability to make a good rational decision, I can't always tell when I may make a bad choice,but I always remember how to regret said decisions. I have been fighting for many many years,nearly 3 of them are here for all to see,what I'm trying to say is no matter what holds you down keep fighting to get back up,never accept failure rather acknowledge where you failed and make it a point to get past that point next time,each and every fight to push forward creates momentum,each and every hurdle you jump leaves less hurdles to worry about.Never Give Up,Endless Effort and greatness will be what you achieve. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS

    I Believe In you all,please believe in yourselves
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  2. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    So, I want to tell you the truth and get this off of my chest.
    I want a drink really bad right now. REALLY REALLY BAD!
    Its not my drug of choice and that's why I'm trying to justify going to get 3 tall boys. Like now.
    But when I drink, I change. It doesn't matter if I say I will not do anything else only drink. The first beer changes me.
    It takes away that line I draw. Without fail, Everytime.
    And I have tested this daily for 14 or so years. That's how long I was an active alcoholic. But if no other drug existed and I couldn't get any dope, id drink away. But ill drink the 3 tall boys. Then ill go back to the same gas station knowing I'm getting gas (and more beer) for the road. Because I will go to Atlanta- which is now a pretty good drive, to get coke. Then on and on and it never stops until someone stops me or I can't keep going.
    But I know how 3 tall boys will make me feel and I want that buzz, that fake happiness. Why can't I have it.
    Why am I even spending time talking myself out of this. I'm not even drinking and I'm wasting my time on alcohol because I'm wasting time talking myself down.
    I'm really agitated. I don't like this. I want to be normal.
    I have so much drive, so much-nothing can stop me attitude- why can't I have 3 beers? (Ok 3 very large beers)
    Mentally I push myself to the extreme in everything and everyway, so why us it not a simple thing for me to have self control.
    Someone, I just want a few drinks before bed..why is this so hard?
    True concern likes this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Damn brother, this reads like my thoughts.I obviously don't have a good answer or reason why,some people especially recovering addicts can use alcohol as an excuse for what comes after(Sadly I have done this on purpose)in the past....Have 3 tall boys to have a "Thing"to blame for why I did meth or shot a 20 of H or a 80mg oxycontin (Which we all know you can't shoot oxycontin anymore)And off topic kinda but Purdue the maker of oxycontin filed chapter 11 today because they can't afford all the lawsuits they have been hit with
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    STAY STRONG MY FRIEND YOU know the alcohol is a trap
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I think you are normal,you know what it will do to you,you've played the tape through and perhaps you want to drink so bad because someone you love very much is gone for the night or a few days....not really sure
  6. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    I know. My son went to see his mom unexpected. And so here I am, all my animals are up and equipment is shut down early.
    This is so rare, and I am so tempted.
    Plus my sister had a baby last night so its like another reason, although its like a reason not to I am just tempted.
    I know I want a speed ball shot. I do.
    I know the only way I'm gonna get it is if I drink and then I won't say no. I've been battling this for, well I don't know-you know when I got sober. I just needed to admit it. Confess it. Rarely do I feel,week as I do now.
    Now that I have said it I know I won't. But dang if I can't stop round and round and round. And then I get mad because I'm so mad -because I'm going in circles, and its like ok well just do it then you can move on.
    I know it doesn't work that way tho.
    But I'm saying to everyone now I am weak. And by saying that I am going to be strong.
    I detest the things I used to love.
    But you know that pink flord song.....
    "Just a little pinprick and you'll feel,no more. Ahhh, but you may feel,a little sick."
    Man I will do,good. But I had to say this. And I had to say it now.
  7. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Bro I'm glad you got this off your chest and you know I'm here for you/WE ARE HERE FOR YOU
  8. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    I don't want do,tdrink really. I would take anything, any drug. It is because he's gone. You remember how I was when we were playing uno.
    I had a happy cheerful voice. I've been alone for a long time now. But sometimes it gets to me bad.
    Onceaddicted77 and True concern like this.
  9. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You know I would've thought someone,anyone would have responded to this sh*t because it's sincere,heavy sh*t.Well maybe it will take time for people to see or join the site,I'm not really sure it seems strange though
  10. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Bro I remember and I know how being alone sucks,I'm going on 5 years alone,just recently got a cat for some companionship but it's not the same as a human companion,so I feel your pain when it comes being alone
  11. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    Your right it is sincere. And very heavy. I cried typing it.
    This is from the bottom of my heart.
    But I am going to go respond to other people who need help. I hope I'm responding to real people. Because I'm back. I'm here. And I care.
    However I'm only back as long as the dope pushers are gone. Otherwise its a joke.
    Onceaddicted77 and True concern like this.
  12. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I will be back in 20 minutes or so that way you can do your thing and respond.
    STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I will return
  13. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Moderator Community Listener

    How are doing brother. Dont do it man you know where it leads. You have so much going for you, just gotta stay positive and not lose focus I know its not easy. Man I'm glad your back missed seeing you guys everyday on here.
    Joshstillclean and True concern like this.
  14. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    I have been here everyday. Just refuse to post where dope pushers are selling.
    Missed you as well.
    And I do know where it leads for me. But I w as honest. Its the H and coke I want. And ill only do that if I drink. So, I was telling on myself
    True concern likes this.
  15. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Proud of you for eliminating the possibility by telling on yourself, ahhh I have had to do the same in the past myself but unfortunately for me it depends on how high my anger gets(Thanks Bi-polar Bullshit)
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  16. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Moderator Community Listener

    I feel ya, me and my wife have a saying like if somebody cheats on ya drunk or not it was already in there head to do it. Alcohol justifies it to yourself.

    Well I'm glad you came here to get it out it helps and you know we care about ya.
    Joshstillclean and True concern like this.
  17. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    So I created this thread to update my status,but what it did was start the conversation.....This is the point,this is why I have created so many threads..For me?Yes but to start the engagement. This thread served a purpose I didn't intend,it gave a relevant platform,relevant place for a very dear friend and I would go as far as to call said person a brother,but it aloud him to open up,bare his soul,admit his thoughts,wants,and cravings.Without knowing it this thread gave him the opportunity to release the beast,the beast being "THE THOUGHT OF I CAN"Without any adverse effects, we engaged in a conversation, he spoke truthfully and the end result was he counted another day sober and that's what makes this place different from the rest,we can be real without to many rules dragging us back,if you cuff our thoughts with rules and guidelines you open a window to failure.I am glad we were able to talk it out my friend,I'm honored to know you and I said it on day 1...There Is Greatness Inside Of You You Just Have To Find It and I believe you have. I am incredibly proud of you my brother and so happy you were able to remain sober,keep pushing forward @Joshstillclean You still have some layers to peel back as do I and many others but as you peel we get to know the real you more and more.Your a good man,your a good friend, your a good dad,and your a good son I can't wait to see what else your good at but I believe the sky is the limit for you my friend(Don't jump off a building and try to fly because you can't your human)lol that's not what I mean by the sky is the limit,what I mean is I believe your potential is beyond measure, anyways keep pushing forward and continue to overcome and everything will fall into place. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2019
  18. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Moderator Community Listener

    @True concern That's beautiful brother. I wish I could speak like that but as my wife says I'm damn near devoid of emotion even after I quit opiates so you could imagine how bad I was before. The only time i have cried i think in the past 10 years was when my dog died and while I was withdrawing lol
    Joshstillclean and True concern like this.
  19. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Thank you my friend, every once in awhile I can really say what is so damn hard to at time's
  20. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You know the sad part is I never could show emotions while I was with my wife,part of the reason she left but it's definitely my fault.Dominica worked with me for half a year until I was able to really access and deliver an emotional message lol so I kinda suck at emotions as well,I just get lucky sometimes I guess